Face for Grace

Six Years

2009-09-16T06:55:00.003-06:00

Six years- since I posted last? No- but it sure feels like it. To say it's been rough since Lilli was born is the understatement of the century.

Six years. The number of years since we welcomed our first little girl into our longing arms.

Six years. The number of years that my heart has been outside of my body.

Six years. The number of years since I've been able to be a little selfish.

Six years ago I didn't have a little girl to tuck in at night. To giggle with. To hold when my arms feel empty. I didn't know nor could I possibly fathom the true meaning of love.

Six years ago our lives changed drastically. It was the most amazing, fearful, wonderful, scary day of my life.

For six years my life has not been the same...and I've never been so grateful!

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!

Yesterday when we were running errands for your party I said sort of hesitantly, "Bayli- tomorrow you are going to be SIX YEARS OLD!" And you replied, "But Mommy. It's ok because I will always be your little baby"

You have no idea how true that is little one!

Before I forget...part II

2009-06-13T17:32:00.004-06:00

Backing up a tad from my previous ending...I wanted to share my thoughts on when I first caught a glimpse of my little baby. For Bayli I pushed for 3 hours and ended in an emergency c-section. I didn't get to see anything until about 15 minutes after she was born b/c her heart rate had dropped so low and so suddenly that they had to take her away to check on her, clean her, etc. So I had never seen a birth. Ever. Unless you count A Baby Story. Which I totally don't. So this time when I made it to 10 cm and the nurse asked me to do a little practice push to see how things were going and I barely pushed and she literally told me not to breath, cough, and certainly don't push b/c the head was starting to crown with my 1 little practice push, I was totally in awe. She set up the mirror and I have to be honest that I got a little freaked out at the sight of it all. So I closed my eyes during the first 2 pushes. Well, thinking that I had plenty of time to push it didn't dawn on me that I might actually MISS the birth if I didn't hurry and open my eyes. Can you imagine how disappointed I would be if I had missed it! After all this! Luckily when I had pushed the 2nd time Dr. Lafranca asked me to stop so that she could suction. I realized that the head must be out or there would be nothing to suction. So I opened my eyes and was able to see her swollen, scrunchy little face coming out of my body. I don't think there are adequate words to describe that feeling. The feeling of seeing life coming into the world. Life that you have been hibernating. Life that I brought into the world, literally while risking my own life enduring a high risk pregnancy. Life that you have been waiting for years to meet. Realizing all of this during this overwhelming moment, I said what any mother giving birth to their long awaited baby would say..."Oh my Lord! It's a BABY!" Not too eloquent, but it's all that I could think of. It was really a baby...and it was incredible. I will never forget that moment, the look of that little face. When dreaming of that moment the years leading up to it, I thought I would be on pins and needles with anticipation of whether or not it was a boy or a girl, but to be totally honest with you the thought never even entered my mind. Not once. It simply didn't matter. All that mattered was that it was a baby.

After she suctioned they asked me to push again, and suddenly I heard..."It's a Girl!" my Doctor announced. Both of our jaws dropped and I heard Jason say, "A what?!" and she repeated "A girl!" I looked at him and asked if he was ok b/c he had really wanted a boy. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and said, "How could I not be ok...she's beautiful!" Then his dream came true- he got to cut the cord. After that she laid the most beautiful creation on my chest for us to fully investigate. It was the most amazing moment in my life! I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming emotions that flooded both of our hearts. Tears streamed down both of our cheeks. There were deep cleansing tears, tears that washed away the hurts of the past. There were tears of joy. We were so overwhelmed with emotion. The only thing that I could think to share with my little girl at that moment was that we loved her so much and I kept telling her over and over again that we had been waiting so long to meet her. This pregnancy had lasted over 5 years; it was so much more than just a regular 9 month journey. This was years in the making.

I remember the nurse coming over trying to take her away to begin cleaning her and doing the Apgar testing, but my Doctor kept telling her to stand back...to give us more time. I also remember telling Jason that it seemed as though we already had her forever. She immediately felt like the perfect fit for our family. Of course she was a girl. Of course. At that moment with her laying on my chest in those few moments of life it made perfect sense. All was exactly as it was supposed to be. I couldn't wait to introduce her to Bayli- it was a moment that I had dreamed of for years. God is truly in the business of making miracles; and He cares about details. I totally "get" the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." In the words of my doctor, we couldn't have written a book and had it played out any more perfect.

One of the funniest moments of the day is about 10 minutes later when my doctor is busy fixing me up a tad, and suddenly she pops her head up and said "Holly, did we cover everything in your birth plan?" Like as if we could re-do anything at that point! It was so sweet that she was so concerned with making everything go according to plan. She also showed us my placenta in great detail, which was totally a little weird. Jason got totally into it, but I just decided to keep my eyes fixed on the little life I was holding.

When we were ready the nurse went to the waiting room to get Bayli and brought her back. That is another thing that left me speechless. I can't put into words the feeling when I saw her walk into the room. I immediately began bawling all over again. I couldn't wait to embrace her and love on her and show her the little miracle we'd been blessed with. But, she pulled a fast one on us and began crying unconsolably because she had wanted a brother. I was so confused and was trying so hard to understand, but we went from the most incredible experience of our lives to a crying older sister b/c she didn't get her way. Whatever. She got over it, and now she thinks that Lilli is the most amazing thing ever, but it was pretty much a touch and go situation there for a few minutes.

After Bayli calmed down and got to hold her new little sister, the nurse went out and got the rest of the family and friends. When they came into the room Bayli got to announce to them, "I'd like for all of you to meet my new little sister Lillian Rose Moran!" Everyone broke out into cheering and clapping, then crying. It was another amazing moment, one I am so glad my sweet little Bayli got to be a part of.

I'm sorry this post is so long also, but I had to share every detail. It was a most incredible day. One we will never forget.

New Lilli Pics

2009-06-12T11:38:00.005-06:00

Today Lilli is 4 weeks old! Already! And I haven't even finished her birth story yet...time to get my act together, huh? Anyway- I thought I'd share a few pictures. I got an awesome new camera for Mother's Day and for giving birth (yes my husband is amazing...he gives great gifts for giving birth!). Anyway- love the camera and I've been having a ball playing around with it. Now we just need to invest in a good software to edit a little more. Right now I'm just using what came on the MacBook. They turned out pretty good to me, I guess when you have such a cute little model you can't go wrong!

Sweet baby girl!! I think I'm in love!

Before I forget...

2009-06-05T04:24:00.005-06:00

When I titled my last post before Lilli was born "Before we meet...part I" I totally assumed I'd be able to do a Part II. I guess I forgot exactly what full blown labor pains really felt like. So, forgive the lack of posting on that particular day. But, even though I didn't get to share my thoughts and feelings on that exact day, I still want to document them before I forget.

I guess I will start with technicalities, then go to the sentiments. Just to keep things organized. I can't seem to keep anything else organized at the exact present moment- so I may as well start with this! :)

I had been having problems with my amniotic fluid levels dropping. When I went to the doctor on Monday May 11th, she almost put me in then. She was very concerned about how rapidly my levels were declining. But I was only 36 weeks, and I was also very sick from a sinus infection. She gave me an antibiotic and put me on semi-bed rest for the week. I had an appointment with the specialist on Friday which she made me change to Thursday so that she could have more time to react if they found my fluid levels low again. She suggested that I bring Jason with me on that day and also suggested that we come with bags packed just in case. They gave me a kick count log, and gave me specific instructions on how many kicks I should feel per day and what to do if I didn't feel movement, etc. I had to log the kicks because that is the easiest indicator of whether or not the baby has sufficient fluid to move around in. It really was an overwhelming time- we had already been through so much. I wasn't about to lose this baby at this point in pregnancy because of low fluid levels.

Now, personally I found it hard to lay on the couch and relax knowing that the baby might very well make it here in 4 days and we didn't have the first bag packed, much less even have a car seat installed. But I was pretty sick from the sinus infection, not to mention that fatigue had totally won over. The whole nesting thing went out the window. The closest I got to nesting was giving Jason a huge to-do list and watching him from the side lines. Which, come to think of it, worked rather well for me. Anyway, we managed to get things done, in between much needed naps.

By wednesday I had been on the antibiotic for 3 days and was beginning to feel a lot better. I picked Bayli up from school, we came home and I helped her with her home work. I started fixing supper and all of a sudden I totally thought that my water was leaking. Knowing that I didn't have any extra fluid to spare I called my Dr in a panic. They wanted to see me ASAP. I was so afraid of being the woman who cried labor- but yet I knew that if I was losing more fluid and it went undetected that my baby would be in a very stressful situation. So I rushed myself to the doctor (Brilliant plan, I know...) and when they did the ultrasound it turns out that the fluid had risen by several points. I was very relieved- and the Doctor that I saw was very pleased, but they still wanted me to keep the appointments we had scheduled for the next day just to be safe.

By Thursday I was done for. I had been counting kicks all week, worried about my fluid levels, etc. I was ready for the baby to be here. I was fearful of making it even another week dealing with all of the stress and pressure we were already dealing with.

We went to the scheduled appointment, and as I lay on the ultrasound table the technician measured that my fluid had dropped another 5 points from the day before. I was so frustrated. My fluid was now at the absolute lowest it could be without causing harm to the baby. To make matters worse, they couldn't get the baby to respond. We spent almost 10 terrorizing minutes, moving me from my right side, to my left, back to my right again- she had the buzzer from the ultrasound machine that she kept trying to wake the baby up with. Buzz, buzz, buzz- no response. I would change positions. Repeat. Nothing. The heart was beating, so was still alive- but the no response totally freaked me out. She got so desperate to see movement, she put both hands on my belly and shook it for all it was worth to try to get this little one to move and do the practice breathing they needed to see. I can still see the look on my husbands face. I was trying to stay calm, so I kept looking in his eyes for strength, but all I found was fear and confusion. I have never felt such pain and fear in my heart before- and I hope I never experience it again. Finally, we were able to see a small flicker of movement and a few practice breaths. Relief swept through everyone in the room.

We waited for the report, then hopped on the elevator to see my OB. I felt certain that these would be the last few hours before we'd get to meet our little one. I knew that when she saw the fluid levels and that when she heard of our harrowing tale from the ultrasound room that she would act quickly. And I was right. She checked me and I was 1 1/2 CM and 70% effaced...which for 37 weeks is moving right along. She was a little concerned about inducing bc of my past C Section, so we talked and weighed our options. At this point, as much as my heart desired a nice, normal birth; I was totally ok with whatever needed to happen because I was so afraid something would happen to the baby. After talking for about 15 minutes, my Dr stepped out of the room to gather her thoughts and pray about the decision to be made. (I LOVE that woman!) And she came back in, calm and totally in charge and laid out the game plan. We were to head straight to the hospital and begin the induction.

By this point it was 5:00 in the evening and we were exhausted and starving. We walked over to labor and delivery and began the process of checking in, starting the IV (Never an easy process for me) and beginning the slow drip of Pitocin. Dr. LaFranca was on call that night, which made things even better in case there were to be any complications or if my labor were to take off suddenly she would be there to handle every thing. I had total peace that we were making the right call and doing the right thing. There was, however, one brief moment when I heard Dr. LaFranca on the phone reserving 4 units of blood in my name and also telling the nurse to have an OR on stand-by just in case as well. Not long after she left my in-laws came up with Bayli to visit us. I had her lying in the bed with me and I thought- is it worth risking this, and the possibility of something happening to me or the baby, and poor Bayli could be left without a mother? But then peace swept over me again. There is always risk; I just had to remember who was ultimately in charge. I knew He would protect us. Even if we would have decided to to a section, there still would be risk.

They ran the Pit from 7:00 until 11:00, then I was able to eat and try to rest. I had contractions on my own until about 1:00 in the morning which were mild enough that I could doze off and on during them. At 1:00 I was finally able to get some sleep until 3:00 when they came back in to start the Pit again. From 3:00-7:00 was still the slow drip, mild contractions that I could sleep through but not able to totally rest.

The entire night I kept thinking about how incredible it was that we had finally made it full circle. We were finally going to welcome another baby into our lives. The moment we had been waiting for would be just around the corner. I laid the entire night with both hands on my belly, wishing and praying for the magic of pregnancy not to end, but yet for it to hurry and end so that we could finally be face to face with the little one growing inside of me. There was so much that I wanted to say that night, but every time I would try to speak tears would flow. I was absolutely in awe. I have never in my life felt the hand of God so firmly in my life. There was peace in our room that night and God's love and power could be felt so strongly upon entering the room. He was there.

At 7:00 am there was a shift change. A sweet little strawberry blonde haired girl named Allyson became my nurse. She was adorable and so supportive of my trying to deliver vaginally. She was a Christian and listened to the story of our years of struggles. She was an absolute blessing to have that day. At one point during the morning she even came to me to pray for her sister in law who was pregnant and threatening to miscarry for the 2nd time. While she was in my room she called her sister in law and told her that she had a patient who was about to give birth after having had 4 miscarriages and numerous complications. She just wanted to encourage her with my testimony. I totally did not sign up for this testimony, but I am honored for God to use it at any given time. What an honor to be in labor for this sweet little baby and have your nurse ask you to pray for someone she loves because she knows that I've been there- and I understand. I totally love God and His plans...He really is incredible.

Soon after my Doctor came in and broke my water. That is where the real fun began! They cranked up the Pitocin because the baby was fine and I was tolerating everything fine. At 9:00 I got the epidural and by 10:30 I was 9 CM and almost ready to begin pushing! I had to frantically call my husband who was taking a coffee break, and also call my dear friend Christine who was to be the photographer that day. Within 15 minutes I was complete and ready to push.

The problem was, I couldn't push because we had to wait for Christine to make it to the hospital. I wasn't having this baby without proper photographic documentation! It took her almost 45 minutes to get to the hospital; during which the nurse took her time getting things set up. Christine finally made it at 11:45, Dr. Lafranca made it a few minutes later and by 11:55, only 4 short easy pushes later, they announced the words we had been waiting to hear!

It's a girl!!

more to come...I promise.

Introducing...

2009-05-21T07:41:00.004-06:00

Lillian Rose Moran (can you believe it's a girl?!)

7 lb 9 oz

19 inches long

Born Friday May 15, 2009

11:55 am

In summary, one of the most amazing moments of our lives! God has certainly heard every cry and petition and made all of our dreams come true! She is a blessing, nothing short of a miracle! I have not updated because I am completely enthralled and captivated with her sweetness and beauty! I promise to share more as soon as I can manage to get all of my thoughts together. Thank you all for your prayers and support!

Before we meet you... part 1

2009-05-14T22:33:00.003-06:00

I went today for the scheduled appointment with the specialist then to my OB. She was not pleased to find out that my fluid had dropped again. We discussed the options available and basically decided that it was not worth the risk, after all that we've been through, to allow the pregnancy to continue. We decided upon a course of action for delivery, which is basically that we will induce slowly, mild pitocin for a few hours tonight. Followed by a little rest, then we will pick back up in the morning. I will be limited as far as how much actual "inducing" we are able to do- as there is the chance that my c-section scar might rupture if the pitocin is too strong. I am well aware that we might end up doing a repeat section at any point during this time frame. And I am totally ok with it.

The past 4 days of monitoring every kick to make sure that the baby had adequate fluid, combined with today's visit when they had to use the buzzer about 10 times to try to get the baby to respond was enough to do me in. I was physically and emotionally spent and couldn't handle much more. I was so afraid of losing this baby after we've gone this far. Needless to say, as much as I hope and pray for a vaginal delivery- I am totally ok with whatever happens just to be able to hold this little one in my arms.

11:45 PM- the nurse just came in to unplug the monitors and remove the "pit"- as it turns out I am contracting pretty regularly on my own right now. About 3 minutes apart, but only lasting about 40 seconds or so. This will make resting difficult tonight, but will be good for the desired end result. I tried to load a pic or two, but Blogger is being difficult...I will be back sometime tomorrow with an update.

Why everyone needs a little girl...

2009-05-14T11:21:00.005-06:00

Mother's Day was Bayli's dance recital. And because I absolutely LOVE and adore any and all things GIRL- I didn't even mind sharing my special day with my special little girl.

She was precious- as were the other 150+ little girls who attend her dance school. And, even though it was a very long, hot, day- we had a ball watching her in her element...showing off while looking cute! It's what she does best. And, as she put it, "Mommy- this was my best Mother's Day yet!"

The state of the union...

2009-05-11T21:09:00.003-06:00

I went today for my weekly biophysical ultrasound and OB visit. I am now 36 weeks...and will either be 37 weeks or a new Mommy on Thursday.

Let me catch everyone up. Last Thursday I went to the specialist for what I expected to be my last appointment with him; where I assumed I would pass with flying colors, be released back to my OB to take back over my care 100%, and finish up the remainder of my pregnancy. Instead, he didn't feel comfortable releasing me because my amniotic fluid had dropped from 13 to 9, which isn't a bad level but he was concerned because it was a big drop in a short amount of time. So, we scheduled another appointment for later this week, just to be safe.

So, today when I went to see my OB- we did the scheduled ultrasound just to find out that my fluid has dropped again; to a 7. 7 is still safe, 5 is not- so we are very close to a not so safe range, and my Dr. is concerned that it might continue to drop.

So, I go back to the specialist Thursday at 2:00 for another biophysical ultrasound, then to my OB to determine whether or not we will deliver or be safe to keep going through the weekend. As of today, the baby is measuring 7 lbs 9 oz, which isn't very small at all for 36 1/2 weeks, and the lungs should be developed; so I'm not sure why I'm still a little freaked out. Currently I am 1 cm and 60% effaced, which is great progress for 36 weeks. The jury is still out as to whether she will let me labor or just do a repeat c-section. It depends on where the fluid levels stand, and probably how much progress I make between now and Thursday.

And, of course- I might go Thursday and the fluid levels have risen to a safer level and she will let things ride a little longer. Either way- God knows...He has all of this under control. I know that none of this is a surprise to Him, He has this baby in His hands- He will continue to make a way to keep me and this baby safe; whether we give birth- or continue to be pregnant for a little while longer. Either way God will make a way for His perfect plan.

I do have to say...the thought of meeting this little life in just 3 short days is a little exciting! Finding out if it's a boy or another little girl. How exciting!

God I pray that you guide my Doctor- give her wisdom, that she will know exactly what to do given the circumstances that we might face on Thursday. Father God, I know that your perfect plan will come to pass- and that we will be blessed with a happy, healthy baby. God we pray for a good delivery and a happy experience- regardless of how the baby gets here. Thank you for blessing us and for giving us the desires of our hearts! We look forward to meeting our "New Moran", whether it be Thursday or maybe a few more weeks. Either way- we continue to put it all in your hands! We love you and praise you!

I'm making a list and checking it twice

2009-05-06T08:28:00.002-06:00

The time is getting close! I will be 36 weeks tomorrow and according to my Doctor on Monday- she thinks the time will be sooner rather than later. I am almost 1 cm & 40% effaced already! Now, for clarity- I am perfectly aware that I could totally "Hang out" here at this point for the next couple of weeks without any change at all. But she seems fairly certain that will not be the case. I do pray she's right- because I'm getting pretty uncomfortable. Especially at night.

Last night I only slept about 4 hours. And, while we're on that topic- let me just say that there should be a clause somewhere that pregnant women should not have to get sick. At all. Ever. It's totally unfair to take a 9 month pregnant woman, who has to work very hard to breath while sleeping to begin with, and give her some sort of sinus infection that makes her gag, choke, cough, sniff, gasp for air- all at the same time. My husband was rather panicked last night a couple of different times because apparently I woke him up with my gasping for air technique that I was working to perfect.

Anyway, I finally decided to lay on the couch so I could possibly prop my head up a little better. It finally worked, but not until 3:00 am. Meanwhile, I lay on the couch and instead of counting sheep or anything like that, I decided to totally stress myself out with all of the stuff left to do before this baby comes. I began thinking about the glider that I'd like to purchase, then I started thinking about maybe packing a bag or two for me & Jason at the hospital; and for Bayli as well. Then that led my brain totally in a different, but equally important direction. And I totally made a list of things that I plan on eating AS SOON as I give birth to this here child. You see, the other thing that's totally unfair about pregnancy is when you are borderline Gestational diabetic, and can't have anything good or fun to eat, since i have been 22 weeks. I am so tired of eating the same old things and apparently I've had a mental file going somewhere of things I plan to eat as soon as possible after the birth of the baby.

So, without further adieu, and totally in the exact order of importance:

A piece, or 2, of Chantilly Cake from Whole Foods
A Snickers Blast from Sonic
A Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Cake (Ok- maybe not the whole cake :)
A Reese's Peanut Butter Egg
A 3 Musketeers
An Orange flavored snow ball with condensed milk...make mine a large please :)
18 grapes. You laugh- but I can only have 17 a day right now. I feel like being a rebel!
Some caramel dip with my apples.
Blue Bell Cherry Amaretto ice cream
A Broccoli and Cheese baked potato from Jason's Deli
More than my fair share of noodles from Tokyo Cafe'
Also, I was totally ripped off during King Cake season, so maybe we can work something out there too.

Call it retarded, call it random. Call it whatever you may. I simply refer to it as getting all of my ducks in a row. I feel so much better now that I have a clear, concise plan. And, anyone of you who live near by and plan on visiting us in the hospital- forget the baby gift- I would LOVE a snickers blast from Sonic! (I tease! Ok, maybe I don't! :) Just play it safe and bring food...no telling what these hormones will be like those days!

Ultrasound Pic

2009-04-23T14:35:00.005-06:00

Well, I figured since it took me a month to post, I might as well post 2 days in a row. At least that way I can get a head start in case I accidentally take another break.

Since we've been doing weekly ultrasounds for a while, I decided it was time to finally scan one and put it up for everyone to see. This is a sweet little picture of the chubbiest little face I believe I've ever seen!

Can't wait to meet you little one!

Lest all 2 of you forget that I actually Blog here...

2009-04-22T11:19:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been almost 1 month to the date since my last entry. That has to be some sort of a record. I think I've mentioned before that whenever I have a lot on my mind I tend to close up, rather than just spilling my guts here. Something about the thought of actual people possibly reading my thoughts makes me a little nervous about recording them at times; even though I'm mostly pretty transparent.

Clear as mud. Doesn't make a lick of sense at all...just call me Paula Abdul.

Sorry...couldn't resist. ;)

So, we are 33 weeks 6 days. I've been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions over the past week. I guess that's a good sign. As much as I am anticipating seeing this little baby, I am sad to see the pregnancy come to an end. I love being pregnant and I'm pretty sure this is it for us, not by choice- but medically speaking. Regardless, we are blessed!

I am starting to get a little nervous about fitting this new life into our existing lives. Bayli is 5 1/2- she doesn't slow us down one bit. I am scared to death about starting over with an infant. Not sure if I even remember how to change a diaper, much less calm a screaming infant and the whole getting up to tend to the baby in the middle of the night thing- it's been a long time since we've done any of those things. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to pieces- but I am also fearful of the reality of it all.

I would also ask for all of you to begin to pray for me regarding the delivery. It is my deepest desire to have a good experience this time. My delivery with Bayli was simply awful. Emergency C-section after 3 hours of pushing, forceps, etc. As a matter of fact, if for some reason we had been filming for "The Baby Story"- I'm pretty sure they would have cut our story completely from the line-up. I'm not known for doing things the easy way- ever- and this was no exception.

We have a lot of complicated issues to work out regarding stopping the heparin in enough time, but not too soon; and the borderline gestational diabetes thing (which tends to produce a bigger baby plus after 38 weeks the placenta might begin to fail) so because of that they normally would induce, but because of the previous C-section they don't like to induce because of the trauma on my uterus.

So many people have given me so much grief over it all. Just forget my desires and schedule a repeat section. I am ok with that if that's what absolutely must happen. Trust me when I say that I haven't made it this far to mess it all up now over a delivery story. However, I also know that God cares for my desires. He is the one who placed the desires in my heart to begin with. I have a very strong to desire to experience a non-surgical, non- complicated birth. I desire to have an easier recovery than the 2-3 weeks that I experienced before; after all I have a 5 year old to consider as well. I think that the God that I serve is big enough to work all of this out, after all- He has blessed my womb after years of heartbreak. I'm sorry if it comes across as selfish- that is not my intentions. I simply want a good experience. I am blessed with a Doctor that is willing to work with me- regardless if a section is inevitable, then she has asked me to write down a few desires/wishes so that she can meet me half way in trying to create a positive experience. What a blessing and an answered prayer she is! How many Doctors would care that much? So, I am still praying and believing for Plan A, but we have some things in place to make Plan B better if necessary also.

Regardless of how it all pans out- we will be having a baby in a few short weeks! I have spent years trying to come to terms with the fact that I might never be able to say that; but God is faithful! And here I sit as proof that God does care, and He does answer prayers!

We have a nursery

2009-03-23T22:05:00.003-06:00

Well, we finally took the time to set up the nursery. Of course, it looks sort of scarce considering we have no comforter or anything, but all of that will come soon enough.

I will be 30 weeks this Thursday- my Doctor told me a few weeks ago that she probably won't let me go too far past 38 weeks- so we are really entering the home stretch! We finally have decided 100% on a boy set and a little girl set for the nursery- so after the baby is born my husband will head down the street to either Babies R Us or the local Baby store to make our purchase- depending on whether it's a boy or a girl.

I have to say, it was very emotional for us when we set up that baby bed. When we took it down a few years ago, we had just lost baby #3. I was so angry over having to take that bed down and find a place to store it. I can promise you that a big piece of our hearts was put away along with the baby bed that day.

When I came home from the neighbors house Friday night Jason had just got the bed down and was wiping the dust off it. He had tears in his eyes when he looked at me and said, "We have waited a long time for this...too long." Honestly, as hard as it's been for me over the years dealing with all of the loss and heartache- it makes it even harder for me when I am reminded how much my husband and daughter have hurt too.

Since Friday night I have passed by the nursery about 50 some odd times, and it still takes me by surprise when I catch a glimpse of that baby bed out of the corner of my eye. I thank God that He has brought us so far in this journey. And I am very excited to be able to welcome a new little one into our lives in just a few short weeks!

The Anatomy of a Bladder

2009-03-12T07:21:00.004-06:00

Has anyone out there ever wondered why the heck the bladder is made of such a material to be confused as a trampoline by a growing fetus?

Well, at 2:30, 3:45, and 5:00 this morning...I wondered that exact thing.

Cause here's the deal. I mean, He's God. He designs perfect creations- without any flaw. Who are we to questions His intentions and/or designs? However, I distinctly felt a foot pounce onto my bladder more than once last night. And when you are jolted awake by such things, so many times in one night, you can't help but question God's choice of material used in the making of a bladder. I mean, right off the top of my head... steel might have been a good choice. I'm thinking that wouldn't cave under the pressure of a 2 lb 9 oz baby's foot. My other, very logical suggestion that came to me during yet another sleepless night of bathrooms breaks, was that maybe, just maybe God could have figured out a way to have a woman's bladder be a tad higher up. Oh, I don't know... say just a little higher in the chest cavity area- or maybe under your armpit. He's God...He could totally make it work!

Who knows, maybe before Eve sinned the bladder might have been in a different location. Or maybe made of a little tougher material. And ever since the fall of man pregnant women have been running to the bathroom all hours of the day AND NIGHT; because let's face it... the current bladder positioning is perfect for the foot stomping.

You know, now that I think about it- it's all just part of the training. Waking up 4 or 5 times a night for the last few months of pregnancy, when you could actually be banking some serious sleep hours, is good training for when you have to get up in the middle of the night with a hungry crying baby. And, getting your bladder stomped on by a little bitty foot is just practice for the times that you'll get kicked, bowled over or toes stomped on by a moving child. Yesterday I substituted for Bayli's kindergarten class in an emergency situation, and I kid you not my feet and toes got stepped on at least 6 times in 3 1/2 hours. (Which is really saying something considering they napped for 1 of those hours.)

I guess that's all part of God's plan...it's just a practice run for the journey ahead. Not a bad trade off, now that I think about it!

And as much as I'd love to finish my thoughts on this delicate subject...I must run...F.I.B. (foot in bladder :)

A Hidden Jewel

2009-02-27T10:54:00.005-06:00

A few days ago my sweet little girl got into the car with a huge grin on her face. She had a surprise for me hiding in her pocket. Since we were in the car pool line, I told her that I would love to see it as soon as we got home.

So, we walk through the door, and with a big smile she produces my prize.

The picture isn't the best, but it's a little heart shaped candy. She found it on the playground during recess. It was full of dirt, so she cleaned it with her spit. Now it's shiny and good as new! And it made her think of me. She kept it in her pocket all day, keeping it safe for me.

Who said motherhood is not a paid job? Because, my friends, little gifts and tokens like these are priceless, irreplacable jewels! This little beauty has a place of honor on the window sill by my kitchen window. Every day when I'm washing up some dishes I think about that little smile, or the sweet little girl who took the time to spit shine it for me!

Funny, when you think about it, we were taken from the mirey clay too. But now we have a place of honor. We all once were hidden jewels, now we can shine for all the world to see!

For Her

2009-02-25T09:29:00.004-06:00

I lay in bed this morning thinking of a sweet little girl; who incidentally, was lying in the crook of my arm. This sweet little girl is about to have the only world she's ever known rocked to the core. She's also about to experience the greatest joy- and something that she's asked for since she learned to speak.

I remember very clearly the times that she was barely a few feet tall- yet begging for a little sister or brother. I remember very clearly her asking why she couldn't have one. I remember my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy when we were struggling through those couple of years of unexplained infertility. When pregnancy had come so easily before, yet now just couldn't happen. And I would spend many of hours crying, pouring my heart out to the Lord, like Hannah. Praying that He would hear my prayers and answer them. And that little intuitive spirit, in that tiny 3 year old little body... wise beyond her years. One day as the tears stained my cheeks she looked up from the TV, came over and wiped my eyes and said, "Mommy, I know why your heart hurts today. Because you want a baby and you can't have one." I was awestruck as I was very careful not to ever say anything in front of her to indicate there was a problem.

Still, she continued to ask. And we had to come to terms with the fact that it might just be that for some unknown reason a sibling would be the one thing on this earth that we wouldn't be able to give to her.

I never wanted to be the mother of an only child. I never wanted her to grow up alone. My heart would ache. With every milestone, every new thing she learned to do; everything that should have been celebrated, was only celebrated superficially. Deep down inside I grieved her growing up. The only baby that I was able to bring to this earth was growing up before our very eyes and I just couldn't stand it.

I remember the months of unsuccessful fertility treatments. The crazy hormones. The times that my patience was way too thin for such a sweet little girl. With each and every unsuccessful round of treatment- hopes dashed yet again. My heart was filled with such grief, yet so much love for the one that I had been blessed with, the one that was so sweet and perfect, the one that kept asking for a sibling to love and to play with... for her.

Then, finally! Success! The positive pregnancy test! We never hesitated to tell her the news! That finally- we were going to be able to grant her greatest wish! The sibling that she desired for so long was finally on it's way. It never even dawned on us to guard her little heart, even though we had already had 2 miscarriages at this point. Certainly after 15 months of trying this one would work! We talked about baby things, and baby names... and she was over the moon with excitement for this little sibling that she had been desiring! She was going to be the Big Sister!

The strong lab results, the strong heartbeat, the beautiful ultrasound image. Followed by pain. A life too short, taken from us again. But this time it was different. It didn't just hurt me, and it didn't just hurt Jason, it hurt her. We thought that since she had just turned 3 years old that she might just forget about the baby if we stopped talking about it. Not this girl, not the one with the memory like an elephant. She remembered, and remembered well. Daily she spoke of the baby with such excitement, unknowingly pouring salt into my seeping wounds. One day out of the blue, that all too smart little mind finally caught on to what was happening. Out of the blue she said, "Mommy, do you have a baby in your belly or what?" I was rendered speechless yet again. Her beautiful blue eyes piercing mine, waiting patiently for a response. We had already decided upon adoption, so we lovingly told her what we should have shared with her a few weeks ago. That the baby we all had wanted for so long was gone. It was in Heaven with Jesus.

Yes, sweetheart, I know that you wanted it here. So did we. My grief was so strong I could hardly comfort her.

For her. The one who, still to this day, has a helium balloon for a day or so, then decides to let it go to fly up to heaven for Jesus and for her sibling that she wanted so badly.

For her. The one who quietly sat in the backseat with tears streaming down her face and chin quivering as we left the hospital when visiting her new cousin 18 months ago. She spoke up finally, with voice trembling, and said, "But... Mommy and Daddy...I wanted us to be the ones who were so excited! I wanted us to be the ones to have the new baby to hold!"

My resolve had worn out years ago. I was weary from this fight known as infertility and miscarriage. My arms were tired from holding them up during the battle. My heart was shattered one too many times. I had decided that I was going to just love Jesus and trust Him. And that regardless if He ever decided to bless my womb again, or if He ever decided to grace my arms with the warmth of a newborn little life that was my own... I was going to serve Him and love Him and praise Him. Regardless of the outcome of it all. After all, He had already done so much.

But, for her. I just couldn't stop myself from trying again to give her the sibling that she wanted, the child that of course we wanted too.

The sweet tender spirit who talks to my belly, then listens in my mouth waiting to hear the baby speak. The sweet little girl who can't keep her hands off of my growing belly. The one who tells me how beautiful I look every day. The one who prays for me and for this little life without any prompting.

For her... my firstborn, my love, my heart.

25 Weeks

2009-02-20T18:01:00.002-06:00

My heart is smiling. That is the only way to describe the joy that I am feeling right now. This little life is moving constantly. He or she is now kicking so strongly you can watch my belly move! It is such an unbelievable feeling. And as difficult as this pregnancy is for me, I am still so very blessed and honored that God has allowed me this opportunity. And it is an opportunity that I absolutely refuse to take for granted.

Also, let me apologize for sounding so whiny last week when I bore my soul about the gestational diabetes issues. Whenever life hands me lemons it usually takes me a week or so to figure out how to make the darn lemonade. That just seems to be how I roll. Things are much better now. I had a small problem this morning where after breakfast my blood sugar was 185 instead of 120 or below- but I think I've figured out the problem and aside from that I'm doing well. I have only had 2 times this week where my fasting blood sugar has been at the right level, so I have spoken to the nutritionist and she has me logging all of my food so they can analyze the problem to see if I need to be on medication at night. I certainly hope that we can figure it out. I REALLY do not want to take any more medication. I have to tell you that after I vented last week and got all of my frustrations out, I was able to think a little more clearly and I simply made the decision to speak life to this situation. It has made all of the difference in the world. My attitude is better and God is able to move through it.

Last night a friend of mine blessed me with two sweet little onesies! Since we aren't finding out what we are having I've been panicking a little bit because it is SO hard to find neutral things. And I don't want a ton of neutral things because we have so much little girl stuff if it's a girl, and if it's a boy I want to be able to buy a bunch of sweet boy things. But- the child will need some clothes in the hospital- clothes that are washed and ready to go! So I was so excited to receive my first baby gift last night! It really hit me...we are going to have a baby! And it's going to be either a boy or a girl! And he or she will inhabit our house and our hearts! How blessed we are!

I know this is short and sweet, and rather boring too- but I just wanted to check in to say that I am doing so much better. My heart is smiling, my belly is swelling and I just love every minute of it! Y'all have a wonderful weekend!

PS- did I mention that I'm 25 weeks?!

Emotions on the loose

2009-02-13T15:45:00.003-06:00

It's no surprise to those that have known me for a while that I am an emotional girl. I have always been very sensitive and have always worn my heart on my sleeve (Is that the correct phrase?)

But Lordy Mercy! The hormones, they are ragin'! And the tears- sheesh- they know no boundaries!!! The bad thing is that I'm crying over nothing at all, and it's totally the 'ugly cry'. This has been going on for the better part of a week or so. And I'm ready to try to get a handle on it already. Part of me thinks it has something to do with these blood sugar issues that I've been dealing with. The other part of me thinks I'm just a freak. Not sure which is true.

I have been having a very rough time getting the glucose junk under control. It's a lot harder than I thought. It's taking a lot of self control and discipline, but even more planning and preparation than I have time or energy to deal with. I am trying so very hard, but even giving it my best efforts I'm still failing miserably. I have been testing my blood sugar 4 times per day for the past 7 days. Out of those 28 times, my blood sugar was high 14 times! Everyone has told me that it takes a couple of weeks, but I am very frustrated right now. I am only getting the desired results 50% of the time, even though I am doing things right 100% of the time! See, in the back of my head I keep thinking that if I'm going to try this hard and work this hard and my blood sugar is still going to be high then I might as well just have fun and forget about it and just eat what I really want to eat and forget the stupid diet. But I am such a rule follower, and I'm totally stressing myself out over it. And I don't want to do anything to harm this baby.

This is why I think my hormonal outbursts are due to the stress of this situation. Not to mention that whenever my blood sugar is high I just don't feel very well. It just makes everything right for a good cry.

But I am determined to not let the devil steal my joy. We have prayed for this pregnancy and we have fought for this pregnancy! I am determined to not let this trial over shadow the joy that lies within.

As I sat doing my quiet time today I asked God for His help in this situation for the first time this week. Isn't it crazy that I would all but kill myself trying to figure this out on my own and it wouldn't even dawn on me to ask Jesus to help me? Knowing He's been wanting to help me all along. So, now at the top of my prayers and petitions each day will be asking God to guide me and direct me with every food choice, measurement and craving throughout the day. After all, if He can help Barb do this; He can certainly help me!

Just to make things fun...

2009-02-08T15:16:00.001-06:00

So, it appears that I am borderline gestational diabetic. I was borderline when I was pregnant with Bayli, but way back then in the stone ages 5 years ago they didn't do anything about it. Apparently now when you are borderline all sorts of flashing lights and sirens go off and you are treated exactly as if you had failed the test 100%.

I met with the dietician Thursday to learn how to try to control my blood sugar through diet. I also met with a nurse to learn how to check my blood sugar. Currently I am monitoring my blood sugar 4 times per day.

Can I stop now and whine just a little bit?

Good. Because I know that I have wanted this pregnancy for a very long time, but it's just daily becoming a more and more difficult pregnancy. I am very excited and super blessed...but I'm tired of the drama. Honestly, I knew several miscarriages ago that I would never just "have a baby" I would always be considered high risk, and that I would never ever have a normal pregnancy. But I did not expect this to happen in addition to all of the other stuff we've been dealing with.

However, the nurse explained to me in great detail that when my body can't tolerate or absorb the sugars properly it goes straight to the baby, mainly in the form of extra pounds. Simply put, it just really isn't healthy for the baby. And considering that all that I've prayed for is a healthy baby, then I have simply resolved to suck it up and do whatever needs to be done to bring a healthy baby into the world.

And honestly the diet isn't too bad. I really haven't been craving sweets all that much. My problem is that I love fresh fruits. So, my excess sugar is coming from fruits and other carbs; like pasta and baked potatoes. I haven't just been overloading on junk food. But now I can't just grab an apple or a handful of grapes like I'm used to. So it's taking a little bit of discipline. But, since the beginning of the pregnancy I've lost 22 pounds because I was so sick. I've been joking all along that I would be the first pregnant woman in history to deliver a baby weighing less than when she got pregnant. I guess God heard me and decided to help me out a little bit! :)

I also have been having quite a bit of pain due to my sciatic nerve. Never knew that thing existed until a few weeks ago. Luckily it only comes and goes, I know some people who suffer with it constantly- mine usually only bothers me 4-5 days out of the week. The problem is, since I'm only 23 weeks, and it's been bothering me since about 18 weeks, they are afraid it might only get worse as time goes on. So I am going to a physical therapist tomorrow to learn some exercises that I can do to relieve the pain.

On a happy note, we went Monday to the perinatologist for another ultrasound and to my regular appointment with my OB. We got another great report from both Doctors. (The ultrasound showed the baby as weighing 6 ounces larger than normal, but hopefully getting the insulin thing under control will help keep the baby's weight under control as well. ) Bayli was with us and she was so excited to see the baby on the screen. She kept pointing out that she could see the heart "beeping". She is so cute and so curious right now about everything baby related. She always asks things like, "Mommy, does the baby know that we are watching Max and Ruby right now?" Or "Mommy, does the baby know that you just washed my hair?" Too sweet! My favorite still is when she talks to my belly, then listens in my mouth to 'hear the baby answer her'... how cute is that?

Well, that is the long recap of "New Moran- 23 week Update". I am a little bummed about some things, but I will make it through this as well. I just keep trying to remind myself of the old saying that when you have an easy pregnancy you have a difficult delivery, and when you have a hard pregnancy you usually have an easy delivery. I am hoping to cash in on that one! At least it's something to look forward to. Regardless, when I was talking to my OB, and was very upset about the 'borderline gestational diabetes' thing; I told her...I just want one normal thing! Just one thing! And she gently reminded me, "Your baby." And so it is. I can take and live through just about anything for that!

I Am Free to Dream

2009-01-26T15:13:00.008-06:00

It's no surprise to anyone that I've been fearful to become excited about this pregnancy. But over the past few weeks I have actually found myself sitting and dreaming about who this little person will become. For so long I have had to guard my heart. Pregnancy wasn't something to celebrate for us- it almost always meant a death sentence...no matter how hard we prayed, begged or pleaded it didn't always seem to go our way. This time, praise God, is different. It's been different all along, I just couldn't embrace it. When we passed the 9 week mark I knew we were on to something because we'd never made it that far, except with Bayli. When we hit the 2nd trimester, I was still only cautiously excited; I was just so afraid that something would happen.

Now here I sit, almost 22 weeks. I feel movement several times a day. I am relaxed, especially now that the heparin issue is resolved, and it hit me a few days ago...I am free to dream! I can sit back and enjoy this pregnancy as it is intended to be enjoyed. I can embrace it as a mother knowing I will welcome another child into my arms. The fear of this life leaving me and joining it's many other siblings in heaven is all but gone.

I am free to dream of... boy or girl? I am free to dream of big huge baby like it's sister? Hopefully a few pounds smaller :) I am free to dream of midnight feedings, just me and a sweet little one (yes- even that sounds exciting right now!) I am free to dream of a head full of hair- or soft, warm peach fuzz? I can sit and rub my growing belly and just wonder. And not wonder if he or she will stay with us this time. No, I am blessed enough to just be able to sit and wonder about the wonder of this life. The miracle of what is going on inside of me.

I am so glad that the fear has been replaced with wonder and excitement. I am so blessed that God has allowed this to be part of His plan. I am so glad that we didn't give up just one pregnancy ago... never to "try again"- because I can promise that I vowed that more than once!

I got giddy with excitement a few days ago when I went to Wal Mart to pick up some Gain and I passed the bottles of Dreft. I remember a post back this summer when we were waiting for God to move. When I was just recovering from yet another loss that we told only a handful of people about. When I shared my verse, the one that kept me going. When I shared my definition of armload of blessing... read more here

I am free to dream!

I'm Legal

2009-01-23T14:05:00.002-06:00

Yesterday my dear friend, who is also our Pastor's wife, texted me to congratulate me on becoming legal. I was so confused...but, let's be honest...it doesn't take much to confuse me most days. Anyway- she has been keeping as good of records as I have regarding anything to do with my pregnancy. And, she is correct- I'm legal...I'm officially 21!

21 weeks that is!

21 weeks! I never dreamed this would be possible again. We have suffered so much loss, it just never seemed possible. Yet here I sit with a little life doing it's daily aerobic activity inside of me as I type this. Honestly and truthfully- with God all things are possible! He has made a way where we just couldn't imagine even a few short months ago.

The past couple of weeks have been very emotional for me as I've been constantly replaying the discussion I had last with my OB, trying to decide whether or not to continue with the heparin or heed the advise of the Perinatologist and get off of all blood thinners completely. I would love to be free from the limitations of the heparin, but yet I have been so fearful to do so. It just seems as though the heparin is working. We've never made it this far except for when we had Bayli...so something is different. The only changes we've made is the heparin and the increase in folic acid. So I couldn't understand the reasoning behind stopping it. My heart would literally ache with fear when I would think about the possibility of stopping the medicine that I felt was keeping my baby alive. It was an awful decision and I just couldn't feel a peace regardless of which way I leaned.

Thankfully I didn't have to make the decision. My OB met with the perinatologist personally to discuss the matter, and she wasn't convinced that there was enough evidence to take the risk in stopping the medicine. Why risk a late term loss? Why fix it if it isn't broken? It's working- so lets keep doing it. I began to weep when I spoke to the nurse as she relayed this information. I knew that I had been worked up and fearful, but I didn't realize quite how much it had upset me until she called me and advised me to continue. I was quite suddenly overcome with peace; and as it washed over me the tears began to fall. What a relief! I know that God's hand is upon this life, but I also know that God uses the wisdom of doctors and he also uses medicine. I finally feel such peace.

On a side note, my Pastor's wife has been praying that if we needed to continue with the heparin that God would renew my tolerance for it. And He has been so faithful to do that. I haven't had a painful injection for several days now and I haven't had an injection site give me any problems for almost 3 weeks. This is indeed a blessing! Of course I would endure anything at all that was necessary to keep this life thriving, but the fact that the injections are a little easier right now makes it so much better.

I feel so blessed to be past the half-way point. Thanks to all of you for praying with us and following along with us on this journey! We are so excited!

A Few Thin I"ve Learned Along the Way...Part VI

2009-01-14T13:16:00.002-06:00

continued from previous series of posts....

During my pregnancy, I kept telling everyone that I didn't want to know the sex of the baby until delivery. We even went as far as looking at and picking out a neutral bedding set so that I wouldn't be tempted to find out sooner. However, we both wanted a daughter so badly, and a few weeks after our miscarriage my Dr. called with all of the test results. They were able to determine that the baby had been lost due to a Chromosomal abnormality and they also determined the sex. Without thinking I told her that I wanted to know the sex of the baby we lost. It had been a little girl...our little girl. The girl we had always dreamed of.

Needless to say, when we were pregnant the second time, I kept thinking about the little girl we lost, and could only pray, hope and dream that this one was a girl also. And even though the romantic notion of waiting to find out the sex was something I had always hoped for- the reality was that the closer we got to being able to find out, the closer I got to just exploding with excitement. I couldn't stand to wait another second. When we went for the ultrasound, the whole way there I kept saying that we weren't going to find out. But when the time came I just couldn't stand it- and I caved.

We were thrilled to learn that this was another little girl! The feeling was so overwhelming. God had restored that which we lost! I just knew this little girl was going to be my right hand. I had so many dreams of teaching her things, spending time with her, watching her grow and raising her into a Godly young woman. God was so good for giving me the desires of my heart! And I think I've mentioned a time or two, that Bayli was the first little girl in 52 years on my mother-in-law's side of the family. To say that the family was excited would be an understatement. We couldn't wait to bring home that little girl clad in pink!

We left the Dr that day and went straight to pick out another bedding set. Neutral green and yellow would hardly do for my little girl! We were so excited!

Aside from the normal baby showers, decorating and making room for baby, the remainder of the pregnancy was rather uneventful. Delivery, however, was a totally different story...

to be continued...

Just Sayin'...

2009-01-08T23:35:00.003-06:00

Well, the gender that lies within is really beginning to intrigue me a tad. I still want to be surprised, but the guessing is quite fun. And I'm just sayin'...that if a high heartbeat is truly indicative of a girl; then it appears that Princess Di might have indeed taken up residence in my womb. Either that or we happened to catch "new moran" right smack in the middle of his/her afternoon Jane Fonda Workout. Because...

I went to visit my OB this afternoon and the heartbeat hovered in at around 183 beats per minute!!

Either way- we are blessed- and that is one high, strong heartbeat! And this little life is thriving and is growing stronger by the minute. I had a really good visit with my Doctor. After our little incident Monday with the Heparin she is going to speak personally with the perinatologist regarding whether or not we continue with the heparin therapy. She made no mention again at all regarding switching to Lovenox, apparently we are either going to discontinue blood thinners completely, or just stay the course we're on. I trust her judgement totally and completely. I am very grateful to not make a change to Lovenox- after confirming with my insurance company exactly how much that liquid gold would actually cost out of our pocket; you know- pay the house note or switch to Lovenox. Sheesh! That stuff is costly!

Also, on a side note. I slept through all but the 1st quarter of the National Championship Game tonight. Y'all...this is a record for me. There was not a single Bowl game this season that I didn't catch some good Zz's during! It's quite offensive to my husband. He is very much used to me not missing a minute of any important sports matter~but the National Championship Game! Seriously- I am ashamed of myself. (But what is a girl to do when she is busy growing another human inside- I have to get my rest whenever I can...and I am T.I.R.E.D. all of the time!) However, I did wake up in time to catch some nice post game interviews- if that amounts to anything at all. Here's to hopin' that he doesn't disqualify me from future sports watching events!

Also, to seal the deal on making this the most random post in history- this is my 100th post! I am probably the only blogger in history to take 2 years to post 100 times! Oh well, so it takes me a while to finally be a part of the 100 + post club, at least I made it!

Have a good evening!

If anyone is listening...I'm tired

2009-01-05T11:22:00.003-06:00

I think I mentioned before that as part of the plan to keep "new moran" thriving, I am on quite a bit of medicine, including 2 heparin injections per day. Well, either I'm at the end of what I can tolerate, or it's just getting more difficult to administer. Heparin is supposed to be given in the belly, in the fatty tissue. Well, at first there was way more than enough fatty tissue to go around. But now that my belly is growing and expanding we are so limited to areas to give the injections. The problem with that is that my body doesn't exactly tolerate the medicine that well. I always bruise and I'm always left with a huge knot about the size of a marble, if not larger, underneath my skin. It usually takes about a week for the knot and bruise to clear, and with already limited spots in which to inject- we are in a real pickle.

Well, last night I realized that I was sleeping on my back so I woke up to roll over on my left side (the preferred side during pregnancy), at which point I was met by a horrendous pain from the Sunday morning injection site. I put ice on it, which helped with the surface pain, but this pain was different. It would be the equivalent of what my mind would think that touching an electric fence would feel like. It was so tender and on fire! Jason woke up and I asked him to feel it. The gentle touch of his fingertips about sent me into orbit...it was so painful! Now, I realize that I am a 34 year old woman complaining about a shot, but I have been doing this for 5 months now and I've never had this bad of a reaction. We put ice on it, and I was finally able to drift back to sleep- only to be woken by a wrong number phone call at 4:30 this morning.

The weird thing is that I am still hurting so badly today. I spoke to the nurse at my Dr's office and she thinks that we must've injected into the muscle. And, to top it off, for some reason the nerve endings are a little damaged too. So, they told me to take it easy today and keep ice on it and tylenol for the pain. Honestly, I'm on bed rest for today because of a stupid shot gone awry.

Even worse than this, my Dr. really wants to switch me from Heparin to Lovenox. Well, Lovenox has definite advantages, it's only once per day and the syringes come pre-filled, etc. And apparently they come pre-filled with liquid gold. Because the cost of a 30 day supply of Lovenox? $1,000. For a 30 day supply. Of some medicine. Y'all...its not like I'm doing cocaine or trying to get some sort of high here. I just want to keep myself and my baby alive. I have 4 months left, that would be $4,000! Yes, our insurance would cover some of that, but we would still pay a big chunk...more than I would like to admit since it's a non-preferred drug. Just the $150 per month we've been spending on the heparin has been an inconvenience to our pocketbooks, so I cannot even begin to imagine how we'd be able to do the Lovenox.

My initial thought is that I will just go back to work. But who will hire a woman who's in her 5th month of pregnancy that plans to quit to stay home again when the baby's born? And who will handle all of our responsibilities at church? And who will pick my baby up from kindergarten every day?

I am just tired. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of hurting. And I hate complaining, because it doesn't solve a thing. And I feel like I'm complaining- which obviously isn't solving anything. I guess I need to go make a list or something...making a list always makes me feel better. It makes me feel some sort of control. However, it's only January 5th- I really can't think of any other possible list to make right now- unless I make a list to organize the lists that I made on January 1st.

All that I can do is just give up control again. In the Word it says that Our God shall supply all our needs. It also references the fact that if God can care for the sparrows and birds, how much more will He care for me? He loves me, and He loves this life within me. He will certainly provide the way to keep us all going.

I never knew it would be possible to be so excited, yet so scared all at the same time.

A Few Things I've Learned along the way...Part V

2009-01-02T22:31:00.002-06:00

continued from previous series of posts...

I wish that I could say that over time I had totally laid all of my fears aside and trusted God totally and completely and planned out the perfect time to try again for another pregnancy.

The truth of the matter is...my next pregnancy happened totally on a whim. Actually, my sweet husband commented that we shouldn't be fearful and that he really wanted to try again for another baby. That was on cycle day 3. After that I sort of panicked again, and told him I'd rather wait until I was certain that I was ready for the emotion of trying again. I realize that they say that God is the one who opens and closes the womb- and apparently that is correct. Because medically, um...it just shouldn't have happened.

But it did. And I am ever so glad.

We found out in January 2003 that we were indeed pregnant again. Since our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, my Doctor ordered some early blood work and an early ultrasound. The labs came back ok, but the ultrasound was borderline. The heartbeat was 99 beats per minute. We were told that there was a 50/50 chance of survival. We had to go home and wait it out for the next 2 weeks. We had made the decision at that point not to tell anyone at all about this pregnancy. So it was literally me, Jason and God for the next 14 days. It was one of the scariest times of my life.

During that time, we learned that a good friend of ours from church had lost her 2nd baby. She lost her first one 1 week before I lost mine. Ironically, we had been pregnant together again, but neither of us had told anyone, so we didn't know it. We called for permission to go visit with them and they allowed us to go. Their grief was horrible. The grief was so thick in the air, you could feel it upon entering their house. I sat and talked with her for several hours, trying my best to comfort her. I was pregnant, but she didn't know it; and we weren't even sure if our little life was going to make it. As I sat there with her- the tears streaming both of our faces she shared with me that an early ultrasound of theirs showed their baby with a heartbeat of 99 beats per minute. They were given the same odds as us. And their sweet little baby didn't make it. I remember excusing myself to the restroom literally gasping for air, praying and pleading with God to allow our life to make it; and feeling guilty for asking that knowing that on the other side of the door sat a dear friend of mine who had just lost hers.

Needless to say the next 2 weeks we were on pins and needles. I would love to say that I was full of confidence and relied totally on God's grace- but that would be a lie. I was scared out of my mind that our next ultrasound would show another still heartbeat. My prayers were more like begging and pleading rather than praying and believing anything that God said in His word.

It was a very difficult time to walk through, but we made it, and God blessed us. The next ultrasound did not show a still heartbeat, but instead a thriving pregnancy with a beautiful heartbeat! 160+ beats per minute. I was 9 weeks and 1 day and we were ready to rejoice!

Our original plans had been to wait until we were 12 weeks to share the news, but we both had peace that since we were farther along than we were when we lost the first baby, then certainly we must be ok. We were ready to spread the news! So we did exactly that. We told anyone who would listen. I carried ultrasound pictures with me in my purse and was thrilled to show anyone and everyone. The baby at that point looked like a little Teddy Graham snack cracker- so that was our loving term of endearment that we used when referring to the baby.

We never looked back, and the fear never returned during this pregnancy. We went full steam ahead planning for this baby that would join our family. We were overjoyed to say the least!

to be continued...

Our Baby is Perfect!

2008-12-31T10:14:00.002-06:00

We just returned from the visit with the Perinatologist and in his exact words, "If I have to give my honest, professional opinion, I totally believe that we will see a healthy baby born into this world in late May/early June 2009. Nothing that I am seeing here alarms me or gives me any indication otherwise."

At which point I begin to sob. Because those are words that I have waited to hear for years!

My heart is overjoyed! And I look forward to getting some much needed rest now. I feel certain that I should be able to relax enough to take that long winter's nap that I kept hearing about but haven't been able to witness first hand.

And, on a side note, we opted NOT to find out the sex of the baby. Jason was a bit disappointed, but this is another thing that I've wanted for years...that element of surprise when going into the delivery room. We go back for another ultrasound with the Perinatologist in about 4 weeks, so we have a little more time to discuss it and change our minds if we decide to. I guess I'm just so happy to be carrying a healthy baby that the sex doesn't matter at all to me either way. I would love a little boy since we already have Bayli and then Grayci will be on her way from El Salvador one day. But I'd also be perfectly content with a houseful of girls.

We'll see. God has obviously already determined the perfect little life to join our family and for now it is our plan to wait to open and marvel at that gift at the time it enters our world. Boy or Girl, what'll it be?? I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Thank you all for your prayers! And thank you Jesus...giver of all wonderful and perfect gifts! Thank you for blessing us. It is still a little hard to digest this news after so much heartache and heartbreak, but I am more determined than ever to just live in the moment and enjoy the blessing before us!

An Update

2008-12-30T17:26:00.003-06:00

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to ask for all of your prayers tomorrow morning as we are going to see a specialist that will more than likely be co-monitoring me, along with my regular OB, throughout the remainder of my pregnancy.

I know I've spent a lot of time recently re-living a little bit of past, but the truth is, I'm still pretty freaked out about the present. I am very excited about our pregnancy- but yet there are many times a day when the fear that grips my heart is so overwhelming I can barely catch my breath. There are many times when the words leave me and all that I can do is barely whisper "Life...God I pray for Life". Maybe it's not the most eloquent of prayers, but I don't think that matters.

I haven't been sleeping real good the past few nights because all that I can think about is what we will find out tomorrow. I pray that it is a good report...no complications...and quite simply- I pray for life.

A few things I've learned along the way...Part IV

2008-12-28T13:39:00.003-06:00

continued from previous post...

If you remember, we had just celebrated our 7 year anniversary. I remember sitting in the break room at my job when my supervisor told me that I should beware because he had heard that the 7th year of marriage was the toughest...that's when most divorces occur. Funny- we were in the middle of the most difficult thing our 7 year old marriage ever knew. But, apparently it was going to get worse before it got better.

I was sitting at my desk when Jason called me suddenly one day to tell me that he had been laid off from his job. He was going to finish out that week, collect that paycheck and then he'd receive 4 weeks severance pay.

Ok, in case you need help keeping score...brand new house, with a brand new house note; still dealing with the very difficult loss of our first pregnancy and now the loss of our main source of income. Wow- happy 7 year anniversary!!

I guess that this news, although a little overwhelming at the time, came at a good time because it forced us out of our pity-party. It also brought us closer together, we worked together on our budget and things to cut if necessary. We prayed together more and decided that no matter what happened, we would never short change God. Our tithe would still be the first bill we would pay, regardless of how tight things became. We were very blessed, though, because it never became necessary to go to that extreme. By the time that the severance pay had been used up, God had blessed Jason with a new job that was only a mile or two from our house and he received a $6000 per year increase in pay.

Although focusing on and dealing with Jason's change of jobs had forced us out of the pity-party with the loss of our baby; we did have another challenge to deal with. Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby. I was responsible for giving her their baby shower. Although it was an exciting time for all of us in our family, there was no hiding the fact that my heart was hurting over our loss during this time. The day that my sweet nephew was welcomed into the world was bitter sweet for us. We were so very happy for them, and loved him so much, but it was such a hard time for us. Please don't misunderstand, I love that little boy like crazy- I have from the beginning; but no matter how much you love someone and no matter how happy you are for someone else- it becomes very difficult to watch someone so close to you receive the blessing that you yourself have wanted for so long. But, as hard as it was, the most amazing thing happened...the minute I held that sweet bundle of joy my heart began aching again- but in a different way. I realized more than ever what we were missing out on. I realized what had been stolen from us. And I started rounding the corner of maybe, possibly being able to give another pregnancy another try.

If God had allowed us to become pregnant the first time, certainly he could allow it again, right? And, even though we were still scared out of our minds, there was no guarantee that what happened before would happen again. Maybe, just maybe I was ready to try again??

to be continued....

Merry Christmas...a tad late

2008-12-26T22:18:00.003-06:00

Christmas 2008 was wonderful for the Moran family! I lay awake several hours on Christmas Eve thinking about the day ahead of us. I was so excited for Bayli-bug. I just knew that she was going to have the time of her life opening gifts. I was also so overwhelmed as I lay in bed and felt the little life inside of me fluttering a few times. If you had told me even 6 short months ago that we would be at this place this Christmas I wouldn't have been able to believe you. I believed that God would answer our prayers, but yet we have been so programmed to just accept our situation, like it or not, that truly realizing, accepting and processing this information has been , oddly enough...almost a challenge. Allowing the joy to overshadow the fear- it's taken quite a bit of prayer.

We also started a new tradition with our Jesse tree. It was so much fun making the ornaments and putting it all together. Every night we looked forward to that time as a family. We will look forward to this for many years to come!

I have to tell you about the funniest thing that happened Christmas morning! We had 1 present that was really big that couldn't fit under the tree so we set it beside the entertainment center. I had wrapped it and put a bow on it, but didn't put the name tag on it. I started to do it Christmas Eve, but Jason told me not to. He just wanted me to surprise her. So bright and early Christmas morning Bayli knocked on our door and said, "It's Christmas morning and time to open presents! And guess, what? There is a BIG present beside the TV and there is no name on it. Is it for me?" All morning she kept asking who the big present was for and we just told her we weren't sure, we'd open it all together after we opened all of the other gifts. Eventually she quit asking, but when all of the presents were opened she asked to open the big gift. Luckily I grabbed my flip video because what happened next might go down in history as the most excited gift opening experience of a lifetime! Enjoy!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part III

2008-12-19T22:17:00.002-06:00

continued...

In between sobs, "Jason, I need you to come back to the Doctors office...there's no heartbeat". I was hysterical in the truest sense of the word. I couldn't believe that the little life we had so carefully planned for had slipped away from us. We watched it happen, slowly...almost daily ultrasounds- first 160+, then 120's- now silence where the flickering heartbeat had been only a few days before.

For me, losing our first pregnancy brought so many bigger fears, "what if we never are able to have children?" "what if I have to go through this again (little did I know...)" "what if I can't get pregnant again so easily next time?" "how will I tell everyone this horrible news...they are all so happy" I could have chosen to just believe good things, but instead my heart and mind reeled with the negative truth of the situation.

My heart was broken, as was Jason's...and I really felt like I had let him down.

But, by far, the absolute worse thing of all was that everyone's life just went on. The world kept turning- even though my personal world had come to a sudden halt. I was so angry at the people who called me- literally within hours of us finding out that we had lost the baby and they couldn't understand our sadness. They couldn't understand why we cried. People actually gave us words of wisdom to try again the next month! Quoted, word for word, "You guys better get busy and jump back in the saddle again right away!" Um, ok- are you guys the same breed of people who held signs at abortion rallies before?! Do you not believe that life begins at conception? Because, if you believe that...which I do too...then you are telling me to forget about the little life, the little life that was to grow into our child. The life that was living inside of me! It was a life...and it was my child! I also found it interesting there is no bereavement time at work for women who have miscarried. Even though they have miscarried a human life. But if your hubands great Aunt Sally twice removed were to pass away I could have taken 3 days off with pay. However, I had to take vacation time, and then time without pay to cover the few days that I took off to recover from my D&C .

My other personal favorite is the "well at least you didn't feel it move yet" or "at least you didn't have time to know it and/or love it yet" or "well, at least it happened now" and "this must be part of God's plan". Please people- if this is the best you've got then you should try again. Because, it's no secret that mother's are very protective of their children. And, what I felt at that moment was you attacking my child... as if my child was less than yours because it didn't make it long enough for me to feel it move. And, I did absolutely have time to fall in love with this baby. For real, please, please don't ever say these things to a woman who just lost a baby...just simply tell her that you love her and that you are praying for her...then really pray for her because more than likely she'll need it.

As far as trying again- I was scared out of my mind. The devil ate my lunch. For me personally, I had to take some time to grieve this loss. We had to take some time to find our new normal. We had been suddenly thrown feet first into a new chapter of our lives- one that we weren't prepared to handle. Those of you who have never lost a baby might think that I have over reacted, and maybe I did- but my hurt and pain was very real and I had to figure out how to deal with it.

Jason and I chose to get away for a few days in Florida. Funny thing is, I hate the beach. The sand is, quite frankly, just a little too sandy for me. However, I love nothing more than to get a beachfront room and sit on the balcony for hours reading and listening to the waves and smelling the ocean air. There is nothing like it. We also went to a Christian Book Store in Destin and picked up a devotional book entitled "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" it is a remarkable little book and I have actually purchased many of them for women I know that have lost babies. This little book, done daily with my sweet husband helped us forge our way through the fog and deal with a lot of our hurt and pain.

We were at a scary point in our lives. It was the first real problem that we had encountered in the 7 years since we were married. All of a sudden, the world that we knew was different. We no longer had the bliss of being young and naive.

We had lost our first child...

to be continued

Spilling the Beans

2008-12-18T08:12:00.004-06:00

We decided to tell Bayli about her new little sibling on the way a little earlier than originally planned. We were going to tell her Christmas Morning, but so many people are finding out now at Church that we were so afraid that someone would say something before we had the opportunity to. I had her Big Sister shirt and the framed pics of the ultrasound wrapped and ready to stick under the tree on Christmas Eve, but instead we surprised her last night. We all had our heads bowed and as Bayli said the blessing for dinner, I pushed her plate out of the way and placed the gift in front of her on the table. When she opened her eyes- there it was- the shiny red wrapped gift.

She opened the present- so excited- and then pulled out the shirt and sounded out the words. She was confused at first b/c she knows she's going to be a Big Sister to Grayci once the adoption goes through. But, once she saw the ultrasound pictures and we explained that Mommy had a baby in her belly she went crazy! She ran to the phone to call her Grandma and Grammy and Aunt Shelley- then she put her shirt on and we had to make our rounds to all of our neighbors to show them the picture. Some of them knew already but some of them didn't. They were all quite surprised that I was already 16 weeks and that we had kept the secret this long!

Last night was the best. We were sitting on the couch after doing our Jesse Tree for the evening. And she laid her head on my belly. Suddenly she shot up and got right in my face and said, "Now Mommy, I want you to open your mouth so that I can hear the baby!" It was hilarious! She is certainly one excited little girl!

Also, I was in Baton Rouge today finishing up some last minute Christmas shopping, so I decided to stop by my Doctor's office to hear the heartbeat again. I wanted to be sure that we were making a wise decision by telling her last night. And while I was on the table I felt the baby move twice!! It kept running away from the doppler and I could feel it- very faintly...but I still could feel it! How incredible. I've waited quite some time for that flutter...not just a few months; but instead many long years!

What an amazing day we had!

A Few Things I've Learned Along the Way...Part II

2008-12-17T15:40:00.002-06:00

What else could we possibly ask for? (continued from previous post)

1 1/2 short weeks into my pregnancy I began experiencing a lot of cramping on my right side. Afraid that I might be experiencing an ectopic pregnancy my Dr ordered an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks along and she advised me not to be discouraged if we didn't have a heartbeat yet, considering I was still so early. We went for the ultrasound to find that it was not an ectopic pregnancy- but rather a seemingly healthy pregnancy with a growing fetus that had a heartbeat of 164 beats per minute! We were thrilled...everything seemed to be falling into place just as we had planned for so many years! What a miracle to see that little life so early with the heart beating away- a miracle life created by God using me and my spouse whom I loved so much. It was the product of the two of us...what a blessing!

Our Doctor was very surprised to find such a strong heartbeat so early on- but was still mystified about the cramping. Since it didn't subside she admitted me over night for observation and an IV. Well, after my 3rd bag of IV fluids the cramping stopped. Apparently I wasn't aware of how much a little life can take right out of you. I had been dehydrating- just not taking in enough fluids to cover what the baby was taking from me. I felt like a new person the next day!

4 days later, on a Sunday afternoon, I began spotting. I was very freaked out but really had no immediate reason to be alarmed-after all we had been so careful in timing and planning this pregnancy to the very last detail. Certainly it was God's will for us to have his baby...

I went to bed that afternoon and stayed in bed until the next day when I called my Dr. She requested to see me right away and scheduled another ultrasound. We went to see her and upon examining me she really felt like everything was still ok. We saw a still strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen- it had dropped slightly but was still in a healthy range. She advised me to continue with our regular routine and to stop worrying about the spotting. If a miscarriage were to happen there is nothing medically that can be done to stop it. It was a hard road to walk, but we took her advice. We went to work, cleaned house, grocery shopped, kept up with our regular routine...all the while I kept spotting.

Another 3 or 4 days passed and I called to request another ultrasound. The heart beat had dropped to 120. My Dr. insisted that this was still a healthy range- let's just try not to worry. I had a regualar visit scheduled for the following week- I would be 7 1/2 weeks at that point. I held on to hope that everything would be fine. After all, that's what the medical professional recommended and I trusted her. I continued to spot the entire weekend, sometimes lightly and sometimes pretty heavy. I began to dread trips to the bathroom as I knew I would be reduced to tears as I surveyed the situation. I kept my faith high- as high as possible given the situation. All that we could do was pray and hope for the best.

We went for our scheduled appointment and my Dr. insisted that all was still well. She prescribed a prenatal vitamin (isn't that funny that we hadn't done that yet?) and just to set my mind at ease I went for another ultrasound. Jason asked her if it was safe for him to return to work b/c he had missed so much work already the past couple of weeks. She assured him that everything was fine, this was just to reassure me...after all- some people spot their entire pregnancy.

I layed on the table in disbelief. The technician couldn't tell me the results- but she didn't have to. I could see with my own 2 eyes that the little flicker was gone. The flicker that had been life had been replaced with a still, blank screen.

Our little life was gone. The baby that we had hoped for, wished for, dreamed for...prayed for. It was gone. Too early. As the technician escorted me back up to my physician's office, she allowed me to use her cell phone to call my husband. My sweet unsuspecting husband who had gone back to work assuming everything was fine. I had to call him to tell him that I was so sorry; and that I felt horribly responsible even that I knew it wasn't my fault...but who else's fault could it be? My heart was broken. God had trusted me with this life, and my womb failed us...

...to be continued...

A Few Things I've Learned Along The Way

2008-12-12T11:34:00.002-06:00

As I've documented a time or two over the past little while of doing this blog thing; growing our family has been quite the challenge for Jason and I. And for some reason over the past couple of months I have felt rather compelled to share our journey in greater detail. Maybe it will minister to someone, maybe it will minister to me- or maybe it will just be documented for my children to one day read so that they can fully grasp how very important it was for us to try so hard to bring them into the world.

Either way I will attempt to spend the next several posts spilling my guts in (hopefully) a somewhat organized and orderly fashion as I try to put into words the events that have taken place over the past 6 1/2 years of our lives.

I have always wanted to be a Mom. From as early on as I can recall- probably about the age of 4 or 5, as soon as I made the connection to girls being the ones that had the babies and that I was a girl, therefore I could be a Mom...I was hooked. My mother tells me one of my first words was baby. I have always adored children and could not wait to give birth. My sister in law used to joke that my body "yearned to give birth". I couldn't wait for the moment when I would feel life flutter inside me for the first time. I spent many, many hours babysitting as I grew up. I remember being 18 or 19 years old and cancelled plans with some friends of mine to spend the night in New Orleans just to babysit for 2 little children that I adored.

When I started looking for "Mr. Right" I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would have to be a family man, would have to love children and would have to want a houseful of kids one day himself. God certainly did not disappoint me when he sent my husband my way. God totally did not disappoint; not only did this man meet all of my criteria- he was also called to be a Children's Pastor. Hello- children were obviously in our future. When the time was right, all we would have to do is name our number and viola! We'd have the family we'd always dreamed of...or so we thought.

We were married and like most young married couples, struggled some financially. I always knew that I wanted to be a stay at home Mom when we did have children, so we knew it was better to wait until we were a little more financially set before trying to have children. We also wanted to be in a house, not in the mobile home we were living in at the time. After about 6 years of marriage we had finalized plans on our starter home. We began construction and knew that as soon as we moved in we'd begin trying to have a baby. After all, we had it all planned out- it was our time, so certainly it would be God's time too. The last nail was hammered into place on May 30, 2002 and we received our inspection certificate on May 31st and we began moving in.

We started trying to grow our family immediately. On July 14, 2002 I handed my husband an anniversary card with shaky, nervous hands. It was our 7 year wedding anniversary and the inside was signed, "With much Love, Holly and Baby" We had achieved our dream- and rather quickly I might add! We were both ecstatic and couldn't wait to share the news with anyone and everyone who would listen. What we had dreamed of was becoming a reality! We were going to have a baby. Our beginning of our 7th year of marriage looked to be promising...new house, new baby on the way!

What else could we possibly ask for?

The Weather Outside is Frightful...

2008-12-11T09:00:00.003-06:00

The weather outside is frightful...but fun!

We woke this morning to actual snowflakes falling. We ran outside in PJ's and coats to snap a few pictures- thinking that would be the end of it. Well, 3 hours later the snow has finally changed to sleeting rain. But prior to that, we had at least 2 inches of snowfall. It was so much fun...but so cold. We southerners just ain't used to the extreme cold!

Having been born in Pennsylvania, I remember the snow, but it's been a long time! I also remember having the proper gear and attire to play in the snow. We have been make-shifting all morning. We just don't have snow boots and nice gloves. Bayli had some sorry little mittens and her poor fingers were freezing! But she didn't give up. She even made a snow angel!

Speaking of not having the proper gear and attire; we need to pray for everyone to drive safely in these conditions. It's fun to watch the snow fall while in the safety of your own home, but when out and about without snow tires and the other proper equipment- the icy roads become very dangerous. There are already several accidents and major road closures.

But, enjoy these pictures.

A mother's touch

2008-12-10T08:32:00.005-06:00

This morning as I was taking Bayli to school I asked her if she ever got tired of my loving on her. Because, let's face it- I probably kiss and hug her 100+ times a day, combined with the number of times that I tell her that I love her combined with the time spent cuddling on the couch at night and in her bed at night before she falls asleep...well, lets just say she gets loved. But sometimes I'm afraid that my desire to mother another child overtakes me to the point of suffocating the one that I have. And, like it or not, there will probably come a day when she might not be as excited about the snuggle time. But her response to me this morning brought tears to my eyes. She said, "Oh no Mommy...who could ever get tired of their Mommy hugging them."

Oh sweetness.

But I couldn't help but think of a little girl in El Salvador who was brought to an orphanage b/c her mother loved her so much and desired a better life for her. And because of that great act of love we will be able to grow our family. And as much as I love this little one growing inside of me- my heart still burns with desire for the little one more than likely already born several hundreds of miles away. The one that will more than likely join our family as a toddler, not as an infant. The one who's mother loved her so...but who's mother's touch she probably hasn't felt in quite a while. The one who shares a room with 20 or so other children, none of whom are siblings. The one who has a care taker- doing the best she can to care for all of these children, but might not have the time or take the time to "love on her" in the physical sense of the word. The little girl who is to become our Grayci...the one that will be brought to us through the wonderful gift of adoption...the one who is growing in our hearts while one is growing in my belly.

My heart aches for her...I wish that she were here now, so that on Christmas morning we could share with her the wonderful news of a sibling that will be born into our home. I pray that she knows a Mother's touch. I pray that she feels my love across these miles.

I pray that she makes it home soon.

Hello, 2nd Trimester!

2008-12-04T22:11:00.003-06:00

Edited to add Ultrasound Pic...new moran sucking his/her thumb! too sweet!

Well, I haven't had time to scan the latest ultrasound pic, but we did go to the Dr. Tuesday afternoon for another ultrasound and Dr. visit. And we are very pleased to announce that all is well! I am so very relieved to be out of my 1st Trimester and officially into the 2nd! What a HUGE milestone! My Dr really feels that it would be very odd for something to happen at this point- I am so relieved. My MIL commented today that my entire countenance has changed...she said for the first time in 3 months I actually look relaxed. I still feel a little anxious inside, but for the most part I'm allowing myself to get excited.

My next appointment will be December 31st where we will have to go to a specialist for monitoring due to the condition I have- Factor V (five). Apparently my body is more prone to blood clots, especially during pregnancy. This is why we've been doing the injections of Heparin 2x's daily...to help thin the blood so no clots will form. She said the main places of concern are in the placenta, uterus and umbilical cord. Please agree with us that the Heparin will do it's job and I will be able to remain blood clot free the entire pregnancy. I cannot even allow myself to think of such a complication.

And, on a more personal note, she is also open to the thought of allowing me to attempt a VBAC delivery this time. My delivery with Bayli was horrible- after a relatively easy labor I pushed for 3 hours, along with the use of forcepts at the end- just to end with an emergency C-section at the last minute b/c she was no longer tolerating the delivery. Knowing that this will be my last pregnancy I really desire to have a vaginal delivery. I wish to have that moment. However, trust me when I say that I will be totally ok with however the baby gets here, as long as it gets here safely. BUT- I am still praying for this desire to be met. I know that a decision regarding this particular situation will not be made until the very end, but I am just pleased that she is open to the possibility.

Thank you all for your prayers...

I'm either getting older or wiser

2008-11-26T16:38:00.002-06:00

Monday was my birthday. For the first time ever in my now 34 years of life- it didn't matter to me one bit if we did anything, went anywhere, if anyone remembered or if I received any gifts. See, by nature I am a very high-maintenance sort of gal. I am also a romantic. I expect and I have high hopes. Always. Not caring is totally out of character for me.

This year, Jason asked me what I'd like for my birthday. Normally this one question alone would be enough to send me into orbit. (Why, oh why must you ask? Have you not spent every day with me for the past year? Can't you listen to or pick up on subtle little hints?) This year, I simply replied- absolutely nothing. I am so content. I feel as though God has blessed me abundantly and there is nothing on this earth that he could purchase that would make me even one ounce happier! Not just because it seems as though God has answered my prayer with blessing us with a healthy pregnancy- but just because my heart seems so full. I am blessed.

However, he has also been married to me long enough to not exactly listen to me also. Which was fine too. Monday night we went out to eat on a whim to a local Japanese restaurant that we love. It was our first time bringing Bayli with us- she didn't love the fire of the Hibachi grill; but aside from that loved the other entertainment and loved the food! She cleaned her plate! She also told the waitress 100+ times that it was my birthday so they brought out a dessert and sang Happy Birthday to me. We had so much fun! After that we ran to the mall where I returned a shirt and entertained myself while Jason and Bayli bought a couple of gifts for me. They had them giftwrapped in the store and Bayli bugged me to open them right away so I did and everything was wonderful. After that we went to Whole Foods to pick up a piece of Chantilly cake for me (YUMMY! It has a light icing with tons of fresh berries- blueberries, strawberries, etc...delish!). I literally grabbed a fork and ate it on the way home.

Everything was totally unorganized, unplanned and "on a whim"...and it couldn't have been any better! A great night with my favorite people...it doesn't get any better than that!

PS- also totally out of character for me- I didn't bring my camera. I took a few pics on my phone though. If I can figure out how to put them on here from my phone I will post them later. Hope everyone has a blessed and happy Thanksgiving!

Live Coverage from the Battle

2008-11-20T08:28:00.003-06:00

I fully intented on waking up this morning and heading up to my Dr's office to let the nurse find the heartbeat for me. Just for reassurance. It has been almost a week since the ultrasound and we have a crazy busy holiday week next week. Not to mention that we will see alot of family next week and I'd like to be able to have confidence that all really is well and growing and thriving inside before facing everyone next week.

See, the way things work for me typically is that I go about my business being pregnant, feeling pregnant and then end up at the Dr for a routine visit and the pregnancy has ended without any signs or warning whatsoever. Usually the heart has stopped 1-2 weeks prior and my body still hasn't clued me in on it at all. It is enough to make you go crazy.

I have a wonderful Dr and the nurse is just as wonderful and they have told me that at any time I can drive to their office and they can find the heartbeat to put my mind at ease. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it is...until God asks you to trust Him.

Yikes.

I was spending some time in prayer this morning and I was thinking about how reassuring it would be to my heart to hear that little heartbeat again when I felt God speak to me "What do you expect to hear Holly?" I was silent. I should have automatically said that I expect to hear a heartbeat, but the truth is that I live scared that it might be gone. I live constantly battling the thoughts that it might have stopped. What if it stopped last night while I was sleeping? Because that's what my body does. See, medically I have absolutely no reason to hope. Medically speaking, my womb is a joke...and medically speaking it fails me all the time.

But, who's report will I choose to believe? And will I keep my faith and trust in medicine or in the God who breathed this life to begin with? And here I sit with tears stinging my eyes crying out to Him, "God I only wanted to hear the heartbeat again...just for reassurance." But if I have chosen to believe His report, and if I've chosen to keep my faith and trust in the Giver of Life, then why do I need to hear the heartbeat? Because in Jesus' name...the heart is still beating strong! I don't need a Dr. or a nurse or their doppler to reassure me of it. So I have decided to be obedient. I have a sudden change of plans and will not run up to hear the heartbeat after all. God is my source...His hand is upon this life and he will continue to breathe life. And I continue to trust Him and speak and confess life.

The battle between what I know to be true and what I fear might happen wages on. I pray that through spending time with Him daily that we will eventually get the upper hand and that I can learn to fully trust and rest in what I know to be true. I pray that the fear will continue to dissipate.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.

Psalm 126:5 So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.

Father God, thank you for speaking to me this morning...even if you didn't let me have my own way. Sometimes I guess we all still need that. God I thank you for the life you've blessed us with. I pray that I can continue to allow you to just be God and handle everything for me. God, for the millionth time I lay my fears at your feet and I choose to think only on good things; only on things that are right and pure and lovely and of good report...God the things that are excellent and praiseworthy! And God, even though carrying this baby brings me happiness-it is not my source of Joy. Father God- YOU are my source of Joy! I love being your servant and I strive to please you God. Father forgive me and help my times of unbelief. Thank you Jesus for blessing us.

New Moran

2008-11-17T09:26:00.000-06:00

Apparantly when I'm quiet for a while I've been up to something. And, it also appears that I can't keep a secret and post about anything else at all. Thus the long silence. This post is very hard for me to publish. I have been going around and around in my mind for weeks now about this, but I felt suddenly like there is no time like the present.

It appears there is going to be a New Moran...should be here by early June 2009!

For those of you who are not familiar with our history, Jason and I have had 4 miscarriages in the past 6 1/2 years. Growing our family has not come easily for us. In fact, it has been down right cruel most of the time. We have our beautiful 5 year old little girl, who is the absolute light of our lives. She has brought us much happiness throughout this very trying journey. We have always wanted a house full of kids, and for several years we thought that would be impossible. But, like we've always known...God is in control of this and every situation in our lives. He has allowed us the opportunity to become pregnant many times, but we've lost so many.

Our prayer is that this time is different. I am currently 11 1/2 weeks...this is farther than we've ever made it, except for with Bayli. I have always miscarried between 6-9 weeks. So, in our hearts and minds, we've crossed a major hurdle. Of course, we are not out of the woods, medically speaking, for another 2 weeks. But, we chose a long time ago to put our faith in God...so we have made a choice to believe that this life will make it to term. However, I must admit that my heart and mind constantly battle each other. What I know to be true vs what I fear might happen...it is a constant struggle. I have to constantly remain in prayer and have several scriptures that I've posted around me so that I can refer to them as necessary.

Please join us in praying for this little life. Please surround us in prayer as we go through this pregnancy. Medically, there are some issues that we are addressing in order to try to keep life going...I am on 2 shots of heparin daily in addition to a lot of oral medicine. To say that my body is tired and is going through a lot is an understatement. We've already been advised that if we are able to make it to term, this should be our last pregnancy. Even though that isn't our plan, we'll take it and we will consider ourselves blessed!

You might be asking how this affects the adoption. Well, it doesn't. We are still waiting and will likely be waiting for several more years. We are keeping up with our paperwork in order to keep everything current. So, we will welcome that baby with open arms when the time comes also.

Love you guys...all 2 of you who read and follow our journey. :) Please keep us in your prayers! We are beginning to allow ourselves to get a little excited. Please don't misunderstand that comment. Of course we are excited, but we tend to guard our hearts; but God has been faithful and the longer that things have progressed, the more we are able to relax a little and even begin to plan a little bit about the future.

Oh, one more thing, Bayli still does not know about this. We have decided to tell her on Christmas morning. I found a cute "Big Sister" shirt that we are going to wrap up, along with a few other big sister related items. We are going to give this gift to her that she has waited so very long for! It will be a very special Christmas indeed!

Enjoy the ultrasound pics below.

The pic on the left was at 11 weeks- the arms and legs were just beginning to bud. He looked like a little "Teddy Graham"! The one on the right was last Friday. In 2 short weeks the arms and legs have fully developed as well as hands and feet. If you look closely you can see the little hand up by the mouth! We are so blessed and Praise God for the work He is doing! Praise God for life!

5 Years Ago...

2008-09-15T14:13:00.005-06:00

5 years ago today was the eve of my first and only (so far) child's birth.

5 years ago today I was still unaware of the power that 9 pounds could have on a family, on a household, on a marriage...on my heart.

5 years ago today I was still filled with wonder and uncertainty...mixed with a little bit of fear and trepidation.

5 years ago today I was not complete.

5 years ago today was the last day that my heart was my own and inside of my own body.

I wouldn't change a single thing about the last 5 years.

Happy Birthday (tomorrow) to my sweet baby girl!

My Promise

2008-09-12T15:25:00.003-06:00

The past few days have been difficult for me. I'm not sure why...it appears that there is not always a specific reason. Some days the pendulum swings more on the emotional side. I guess that's just me...the way God made me. I have always been tenderhearted so it's easy for that side to take over. Tenderhearted is good and emotional is ok...but both need to have a balance...that's the part that I struggle with. The balance.

The other day I listened to a clip of a Steven Curtis Chapman interview. And of all of the many incredible things that he mentioned, one thing in particular really stuck out. He spoke about how they are "grieving with hope".

Wow! What an incredible statement.

If you have never really been at a place of grieving in your life, that statement might not mean a thing to you. But Jason and I have had many times during the past 6 years where we have had the opportunity to grieve. Sometimes we've grieved gracefully and other times not so much so. Until recently, I can honestly say that we never grieved with hope. We were very ugly and defeated in our grief. We were bitter and angry.

Grieving doesn't have to be simply due to loss of life; it can be the loss of a dream- or the loss of an idea or plan. For us it's been all of the above. The time when we felt that we were giving up on our dream of having more children, and trying to deal with the emotions that accompany that; that is the time where we grieved the hardest and were the most desperate.

Recently we have grieved, but with hope. Hope for our future. Hope for the children that God will bless us with; both biologically and through adoption. We are no longer going to think of ourselves as parents of an only child here on earth. We will have the house full of kids that we've always dreamed of...in God's perfect timing.

And when the pendulum swings too far to the side of emotional- I'll allow it as long as there is a balance. A balance that reminds me of our promise from our Loving Father. A promise that He knows the plans that He has for us...a plan for a hope and a future.

A balance that allows my heart to hurt when necessary...grieve when necessary; but that grieves with hope!

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

(I love the message version...So those who planted their crops in despair will shout hurrahs at the harvest, So those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing

I personally choose to believe and take that "armload of blessing" literally! I pray and believe for an armload of blessing...a little 9 pound blessing wrapped in a blanket washed in Dreft! With a little sweet head that smells like Johnson's Baby Magic.

Anyone choose to believe with me?

Until now the ACT was the longest test I'd ever taken...

2008-09-11T14:07:00.005-06:00

Note to God...

God, I know that part of the fun of life is to make mistakes and then learn from them...and hopefully do a little better next time. However, this little test called adoption and trying to grow our family? This particular test seems a little hard...and I totally don't understand all of the rules.

So, God- for fear of being disqualified from this test and having to take a re-test...

My heart is confused. I am trying so hard to find a balance between being happy for those all around me who are getting the things that I want, without grieving too hard for my own losses and disappointments. God, please clarify- is it ok to be happy for others and still be sad for me? As long as I promise to keep my sadness to a minimum?

Because God, in all fairness and honesty, I just can't take another re-test. And God, my heart breaks today. But I will continue to serve you and love you with all of my heart. And I will continue to walk this very road...for as long as You want me to.

Home study update

2008-08-27T08:56:00.002-06:00

This week we met with our social worker to update our Home Study. Our I600A expires at the end of this year- not to mention our fingerprints. How, can anyone explain to me, can your fingerprints expire? Regardless, we will have to make a trip to New Orleans one day in the next couple of months to re-do our fingerprints just to keep everything active and updated.

Current wait time for El Salvador? 28-30ish some odd months and counting. How many more times we'll have to do this? No telling.

I'm trying very hard to not get bitter about the process. We have been through so much, we've had to spill our guts to social workers, pychologists, had physicals, labs, etc. Had to wait for numerous reports to be written about us. We've had to PROVE that we are competent people and that we could offer a good home to a child. Meanwhile a good friend of mine has a 17 year old daughter that is pregnant that would have to go on welfare and state assitance if it woudn't be for her parents paying for everything. We, on the other hand, have to prove our net worth, prove our sanity, prove our competence, prove our IQ...need I go on?

And it's getting old. I'm tired of jumping through hoops. I'm ready for God to move already.

Sorry to be so cynical...just keepin' it real.

Bayli for President

2008-08-13T10:58:00.004-06:00

Yesterday morning we were sitting on the couch trying to wake up and get ready for school. (The new schedule has been killer on all of us!) Jason had the TV on the morning news and they were showing clips and scenes from the controversy brewing between Russia and Georgia. There were clips of fighting, houses and buildings burning..."normal" war-type scenes. I didn't realize Bayli was paying attention, she was sort of zoned out, trying to clear the sleep from her eyes; but- it was obvious...this wasn't Noggin'.

Suddenly she perked up and said with much concern in her voice, "Mommy! What are they doing?" I began explaining to her that they weren't getting along, so instead of working it out they started to fight each other.

To which she replied, "Oh dear...I just don't think this is a good idea!" "I think we need to get all of these people, and bring them to my school. And Mrs. Allen will move their man to the sad face. Then they'll have to miss recess AND have to go to Mr. Veron's office! Then they'll stop fighting!"

I don't know about y'all, but I think that's one of the most concise, well thought out plans I've heard in a while!

Bayli for President!
Year 2048
She's got my vote

T minus 1 year and counting

2008-07-20T17:11:00.003-06:00

Well, we officially made the 1 year mark since Dossier submission for our adoption. 1 year and counting...indefinitely. As far as our agency goes, so far they've only received 1 referral for El Salvador since the inception of this program. So, it appears that it will still be a long haul until we are on the other side of this.

Frustrated? Maybe. Disappointed? A little. Tired? Yeah.

Worth the wait? Absolutely!!

Father God, my arms are weary from holding them up during the battle. I'm so tired and frustrated and sad and hurt and just plain old ready to get somewhere already. I'm tired of seeing Bayli hurting for a sibling. I'm tired of just struggling to hold it all together. God I know you are still in control and you can still move mountains! We are in this for the long haul, unfortunately we didn't realize what "long haul" meant 18 months ago when we began this journey towards adoption. God I pray for your mighty hand to move and I thank you for being in control of our lives. I love you father and thank you for blessing us beyond measure!

Happy Anniversary

2008-07-14T15:53:00.003-06:00

Just a quick little note to let everyone know that today is our 13th Year anniversary! In some ways it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems like forever that we've been married. We've certainly had more than our fair share of rough times, but I feel like that's only made us stronger. I am certainly very blessed to have this wonderful person that God has given me the honor and priveledge of walking with, serving alongside and doing life with!

Happy Anniversary Jason!
Love...your pretty flower

Whisper my Name...

2008-06-11T23:43:00.003-06:00

I've come to a conclusion recently...if this adoption never happens, and if God never opens my womb again, I am one blessed woman! I have a beautiful daughter, and if I do say so myself...God really outdid Himself when He created her! My heart has been so full recently! Joy unspeakable!

Every night the past few weeks, I sneak into her room at night and I curl up next to her and listen to her breathe. I pray blessings over her. And I seek God's guidance and wisdom in raising her. And I revel at her beauty as the moonlight peeks through her blinds and falls across her face. And I listen to her breathe some more. And I touch the soft skin on her arm. And I love every minute of it. And the dishes can wait, and the clothes can wait; but this can't. These moments are fleeting and I don't want to miss a single one.

Tonight as I was tucking her in bed, I told her my secret, about how I sneak into her room for a few minutes each night. To which she replied, "Mommy, tonight when you come to snuggle with me, can you just whisper my name so that I'll know you are there?"

So tonight, when I went to visit her in her dreams, I pushed aside my OCD fears of what if she wakes up, what if she can't get back to sleep? And I whispered her name as I settled in beside her. She stirred a little, rolled over right into the crook of my arm and then grabbed her thumb and started sucking away drifting off into another deep sleep...another sweet dream.

And as I lay there, thanking God for creating and blessing me with such an amazing creature, and praying blessings over her...the waterworks began to fall. It was late and the tears stung my eyes as they rolled down my cheeks and onto her pillow.

And I was reminded of the many times throughout my Christian walk, during the hard times when I feel so alone...the times that I ask God to please come visit me in my dreams late at night. And I ask Him to please just whisper my name so I know that He's there.

And He shows up. And He listens to me breathe. And He thinks that I'm a perfect and beautiful creation. And He loves me just the way that I am. And He curls up beside me and covers me with His blood and protects me. And He listens to me breathe some more. And He speaks life to me and to my circumstance. And He cares about my hurts and He bottles my tears. And He whispers my name...

Tonight I walked out of Bayli's room, and not only had I met my daughter in her dreams, but God met me and spoke to me in a very real way.

And the dishes are still there, and the clothes are still there. And I'm turning the light off and going to bed.

I'm going to wait for God to whisper my name so I know that He's there...

Face for Grace,
Holly

Praise Him in the Dance...

2008-04-17T21:14:00.012-06:00

This is Bayli's first year in dance class. She absolutely loves it and her instructor tells me quite often that she is doing very well. She attends Divine Dance Academy here in town; all of the faculty and staff are Christians and everything they do is to christian music. Each and every week they open and close the class with group prayer and a devotional. I cannot say enough about Mrs. Cammie and the wonderful things that she is doing at Divine Dance...we have been so pleased and look forward to Praising Him through Dance at Divine Dance for many years to come...they are an answered prayer!

I say all of this as a prelude to some of the cutest pictures in the world. Wednesday afternoon was picture day for the upcoming recital. Her class has 2 of the most adorable outfits (1 for ballet and 1 for tap) so I let her pick out which costume she wanted to wear for her pictures. I brought my camera with me and snapped a few of my own pictures while waiting her turn in line.

I have to say, that as much as my heart longs and hurts for another child, I feel so utterly and completely blessed. It is my constant prayer of thanksgiving to God that if for some reason we were only to have 1 child in our earthly lives- the 1 that He chose to bless us with is the most completely wonderful, beautiful, precious little blessing that He ever could have created.

I love this little girl so much...

I've been quiet for a reason

2008-04-02T07:37:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to check in to let everyone know that we are alive and well. There really has been a lot going on and although I've been quite transparent in previous posts, I'm finding it hard this time to share all of my thoughts and burdens. I'm totally still working on bringing my relationship with God to a new level and I've found much joy and fulfillment in laying my burdens at His feet. After all, He's so much more equipped to handle them anyway.

We are almost at the 9 month mark since Dossier submission. Good thing since the last update we received was that the current wait time is now 26+ months. The totally bazaar thing is that I'm ok with it. God had really prepared my heart for it before it even happened. It is a little humorous when you consider the fact that one of the main reasons we felt led to adoption is because we wanted a guarantee. Pregnancy has not been a guarantee for us in the past, so we felt sure that adoption would bring us a child...guaranteed. Now, I do know that God has given us a promise, therefore we will definitely still have biological children, and we will still get our Grayci too...when that will happen is totally out of our hands.

Guarantees? The only one that I can think of is that God sent His only Son to die for our sins, and if you accept Him as your Lord and Savior you can have an amazing eternity with Him. Guaranteed!

It's the only guarantee that I need...

Father God, whew...the roller coaster ride of a life time. I was so ill-equipped to handle this ride 14 months ago when it began. But, the ride is getting smoother. God, Jason and I are still longing for children to fill our home...siblings for Bayli...babies to rock and noses to wipe. God, my heart overflows with love and I'm longing to mother someone else. I know that You have the perfect plan, and I rejoice and praise you for that. I thank you for the promise that you gave us many years ago regarding the children that you will bring into our lives. You didn't say when- but I still trust that it will happen.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Hide and Seek: Version 2008

2008-02-15T13:28:00.003-06:00

The other day, while picking Bayli up from school she informed me of something they will be doing at school next week. To say that it left me speechless, would be an understatement.

She went on to explain in great detail how her teacher had explained to the students that next week there would be a fire drill. But that they won't go outside. Instead they will stay inside and Mrs. Lanoux will secure all of the children either under or behind a table (I couldn't quite understand which one), then when all of the children are 'hidden' Mrs. Lanoux will race to the door to cover the glass- so that no one can see inside.

"We're just practicing mommy."

What are you practicing for sweets? Still not fully comprehending.

Well, Mrs. Lanoux said that we have to practice hiding...just in case a very bad, bad man might come to hurt us. We have to know how to hide- so that he can't find us.

Hide and Seek...Version 2008. That, my friends never occured in the classrooms that we grew up in. That is the frightening reality of having a child in school in 2008. And, apparently, there are no exceptions even in a private school.

Don't misunderstand me, IF some very bad man were to go to her school- I'd be very happy that she learned to hide in a way that she wouldn't be found. HOWEVER, just the thought of it, merely typing this, makes me sick to my stomach. I shudder to think of everything that goes on in this world that we live in.

Imagine what God thinks about all of it.

Father God, we pray for a hedge of protection around our children. I pray that angels watch over them while they are not in our care, whether it be at school or daycare. God, I'm all for planning...but we pray that this will only be a test- not a plan that will ever have to be implemented. God, wrap your loving arms around our children and keep them from harm.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Eating my Lunch

2008-01-25T16:42:00.000-06:00

It's been longer than I'd like to admit since the last time I've posted. I really can't even begin to think up a good excuse- other than we're just plain busy and I haven't really felt like it. I can manage to read blogs and keep up with other people; I just can't seem to find the time to write anything of my own.

Regardless, my little pity party that I've written about before continued well into January. I've been telling myself that I deserve it- we've been through a lot of heartbreak- so I'm certainly justified in my pity party throwing. However, during the last 10-15 days or so God has just ate my lunch.

It all began with a reluctant participation in our church's annual new year's fast. And also with a commitment to join our church in reading the Bible through in year. Both, I must say, have been life changing...God has honored my commitments- even though I was reluctant at the start. I am normally quite legalistic by nature- planning my fast very carefully. This year I was very open and obedient to what God wanted me to do, daily. Everything changed constantly. It really was a good thing, because I visited a side of me that I really didn't know existed. The side that could let God be in control- of everything- down to every morsel of food I put into, or didn't put into- my mouth...for 10 days. It was a very good thing.

Somewhere around day 5 or 6 of this 10 day fast, I began to weep- literally uncontrollably at times...for days on end. There were times that I cried so hard and so deep I couldn't stand, drive, think or function. I just cried- deep cleansing crying for days. And it felt good. So much hurt was purged, a lot of pain surfaced and I was actually able to make a few steps forward for the first time in a long time. I'm not certain, but I think I may have grieved a little. My marriage was strengthened, we had some issues that we've both been putting off discussing that have now been dealt with and a few important desisions have been made. For all of this I truly am blessed.

I have to also share my excitement over the reading plan to read the Bible through this year. Scripture that I've read time and time before now just jumps off the page and speaks to me in ways that it never has before. I used to struggle to understand things, but this time it's so different. And I am so grateful for it. God and I are meeting daily- and that goes without saying as being life changing.

I am also on a personal journey to joy. I've discussed this before many months ago in a previous post. I really thought I'd caught hold of something at the time. But, it appears it will be a daily thing for a while...something I'll need to work on. To stay happy and joyful. Isn't that sad? It's horrible to be at a place of such longing and dissatisfaction with how your life is. One night during the fast Jason and I knelt and held hands together in prayer in the sanctuary of our church and, between sobs, I confessed to him and God that I didn't want to miss another minute of my life because I was consumed with what I don't have right now. I want to be happy right now. If you are a planner and a goal setter, sometimes you can be your own worst enemy because you "wish away" the present. I can think back over most of my adult life and clearly remember exactly what the next phase of life would be...and that whenever that next phase came, then I'd be happy. But the happiness was fleeting. When we were dating, it was always "when we're married..."; then when we were in our mobile home, it was always "when we get a house...'; then it was "when we have kids...". I've spent the last 15 years wishing away the present trying to plan and figure out the future. Because certainly then I'll be happy. Enough! I'm not saying that I'm not blessed, because I KNOW that I am blessed. And I'm not saying that I'm a stick in the mud- because I always have fun. I'm talking about deep down joy that cannot be shaken, changed or stolen...because it is God-given. I have to tell you that I've been praying fervently for God to reveal something to me- I want some sort of pill to take or a book to read with a few simple steps to follow to finding joy. But, it doesn't exist. Sure, there's the Bible and it's full of a ton of things to help you find joy. But, just like the magic pill that I want, or even the self help book- you have to ingest it...daily! You can't set a pill on your nightstand and expect it to cure you- you've got to ingest it- and it has to go through your bloodstream and be digested and absorbed by all of your organs. It's the same for God's word. You have to let it seep into your organs and bloodstream. You have to apply it- and let it do it's magic. It's life changing...but you have to allow it to work.

The thing is, truely meeting God is starting to work. I had no doubts that it would- it's just crucifying the flesh and taking the time. Every day I am making the time...and God and I are meeting. And He is speaking to me. And the joy and contentment are slowly showing up, I'm noticing it in little ways. I was able to sit in the pediatricians office today and play with a 7 month old baby sitting beside us. I was able to do that without having to run to the bathroom and cry after. I truly was happy to see a happy baby that wasn't mine. I still longed for a baby...and I thanked God for the babies that are still to come into our lives. Instead of the woe is me I made a decision to choose to look at the positive...just like I made a decision to choose to meet God this morning before I started my day.

It truly is life changing stuff.

Face for Grace,
Holly

PS- it's officially been 6 months since we submitted our Dossier! How time flies when you've having a pity party!

Ok God, I Hear You

2007-12-31T14:59:00.001-06:00

So, as I'm sure you are aware of, from reading my past several posts...I'm a little down. I'm trying with all of my might to not be. But, it's been really, really hard for us. It's a tad overwhelming to go through all that we've been going through, on top of being in ministry (that can be very draining if you aren't filling up constantly), on top of working outside of the home- in conjunction with the ministry and adoption and the Holidays...add it all together and combine a little dose of fear with my brother being in Iraq. When you sum it all up- life is just a little hard to live right now. I am very transparent and have no reason to hide things from anyone. The truth of the matter is, if I'm not careful I could stay in my pj's every day and hide out....I didn't realize how susceptible I am to depression- I've never really been at this place before.

Today I've been working on cleaning out my office at home. It's totally another post for another day- to say the least. One of my goals for the new year is to simplify things. I'm very organized by nature- but simple I'm not. I've got to purge some things. From my heart, from my mind and from under our roof. It's amazing how you can accumulate things and not notice it when you are organized and can find a place for everything to where it fits nice, neat and tidy. But, I've decided to simplify- lighten the load. This will not be a natural thing for me...I'll have to work hard at it this year- but I feel that it'll be worth it in the long run.

So, back to the story at hand. I've been cleaning out my office and I came across some stuff in a pile of scrapbooking paraphernalia. As I was digging through the pile and pitching stuff with a vengeance, I came across a little footprint and hand print of Bayli's from when she was about 4 months old. I took a picture of her every month on her "birthday" and stamped her footprint so that I could compare how it grew. I tried every month to stamp her hand print also- but you know how babies clench their little fists- I always ended up with a smudged little mess of ink, but this month I had gotten it perfectly. It went so well I made 2 that month. Which explains why one is in her album and one was in this stack. But seeing that little bitty 2-3 inch big footprint and little bitty handprint took my breath away. The next thing in the stack was a picture of her at that age...in all of her sweet baby goodness.

My heart breaks.

Then as I'm silently screaming at God in my mind- "God! Are you listening!! Why oh why is all of this happening this way?! Have we heard from you? Are we supposed to be on this path? Are we on the right path? I don't like this path! It seems so lonely and so forelorn! Hello!!! ... Are you listening?? You promised me that we would have children...that the fruit of my womb would be blessed!"

Then the next thing in the stack, oddly enough and very out of place, is a Christmas card that my Dad sent to us years ago. And the verse on it reads: "Every promise from God shall surely come true" Luke 1:37

Ok, God- so you are listening. I'm listening too. And I love you with all of my heart. I'd rather be on no other path than this seemingly unending one...because I know that you are right there with me, always. And that you always make good on your promises...always!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Wow! Another post!

2007-12-27T21:21:00.000-06:00

Yes, we're alive and well. Sorry for the delay in posting. It's hard to explain, but it seems like posting is such a lot of work for me recently. I think of things that I need to BLOG, but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it.

And, the truth is, this Christmas has been very hard for us. I really thought things would be easier this year, but the fact of the matter is- it's another year without another baby. We had a wonderful time with Bayli, but there is something missing in our hearts and in our home. Not to mention that we should have a 5 month old right now. I also remember sitting at my Mother in Laws table last Christmas, we had only told a few people that we'd mailed off our adoption application because I was afraid they would think we were acting on impulse from the last miscarriage. But,at that time, the wait time was only 11 months from Dossier submission. I remember thinking that if I could only make it until this Christmas, we'd be right around the corner from getting a baby. There was this mental little timeline thing...and this Christmas was a major milestone. Well, now we'll be lucky to get her by next Christmas. I realize that's only another year. But, not having that hope this year made things sting a little bit more.

So as to not leave things on a sad note. I will say that one of the highlights of our holiday was running into my friend Amanda at the mall this past weekend. She had Bella with her. And, she is just a doll! My heart was about to explode just looking at her! I couldn't wait to hold her! Which, from reading this post, you'll see that has been an issue with me. The next morning, Jason asked me why I was able to hold Bella so willingly, but can't hold my own niece. The only way that I could describe it was that she didn't remind me at all of what I've lost...only she gave me such hope for what is to come! It really did my heart good to see them both.

God, my heart hurts, a lot. I pray for all the orphans in the world, but especially for the orphan that is to become our child. God, bless her and keep her safe. I pray that you move the mountain that is standing between us! Jason gets mad because he thinks I'm not fighting enough, but I don't know how to fight this one. It's all up to you God...I pray for favor in this situation and in our finances- especially regarding the adoption. I pray for good things to come!

Face for Grace,
Holly

'Fore'heads are better than one

2007-12-10T13:45:00.000-06:00

I know you must be thinking that my title is incorrect. The old saying is actually 3 heads are better than one. However, in the mind of an adorably witty 4 year old...things are a little different.

The other day I was stealing some kisses from miss Bayli. Every now and then she gives me a hard time and pretends that she doesnt love to be showered with kisses...even though we know better than that. Anyway, she was giggling and laughing and trying to play hard to get. All of sudden she pointed to her forehead and asked me to "Kiss me right here Mommy." So I obliged. Then she asked me "What is this thing called again?" (still pointing to her forehead) I answered that it was called her forehead. Her face lit up with excitement and she got a huge smile on her face and quickly responded excitedly, "Next year it'll be my fivehead?!" And then she took off running into the living room, leaving me cracking up laughing, to kiss her Daddy on the forehead and loudly proclaim, "I kiss you on your thirty-threehead Daddy!"

Is that cute or what?

Face for Grace,
Holly

The Powers that "B"

2007-11-27T15:05:00.000-06:00

When Bayli was about 18 months old she named her favorite blanket her "B". To be totally honest with you, we didn't even realize it was her favorite until she named it. The blanket came in a set with a little outfit, matching hat, socks and complete with the bib. It was precious and was one of my favorite shower gifts, given to me by my friend from high school, Brandi and her husband Gered. Of course she outgrew the little outfit when she was about 4 or 5 months old, and I packed it away for safe keeping. But the blanket stayed out. We had 2 or 3 blankets that we alternated; for swaddling when she was an infant, and for covering her up with as she got older. Apparently some where along the way, she picked a favorite...and she named it her "B".

"B" is still very much with us today. We don't allow her to drag it along like Lionus on Charlie Brown, but she probably would if we'd let her. She loves that blanket. Recently I was looking back at the scrapbooks that I've done since she was born. And I was amazed to see how many pictures has "B" in them. I wrapped her in it on her trip home from the hospital. I covered her with it on her first trip to the pediatrician. I also have a picture of her covered with it when she was about 6 weeks old and we were going to take her Christmas pictures. It has accompanied her on trips to Pennsylvania, Florida and Tennessee. Not to mention that it has comforted her during many ear infections, stomach viruses, 3 sets of tubes, an adenoidectomy, tonsilectomy and even a 3 day hospital stay this spring.

When I was pregnant last year, we were cautiously optimistic. I would love to say that we were just down right excited without a care or fearful thought in the world. However, that just wasn't the case. The day before Thanksgiving last year we had the first Ultrasound that showed a very strong heartbeat. Whew! We had made it past another hurdle in the pregnancy. The day after Thanksgiving we went Christmas shopping. I allowed myself to get a little excited and I bought a "B" for the baby. We didn't want to know what we were having, so I bought this soft baby green one. I love that baby green...so sweet. I kept that "B" on my nightstand so that it was the last thing I'd see at night and the first thing I'd see every morning. I wanted the sight of it to bring me to a place of excitement. I'll never forget walking into my bedroom after we got home from the hospital after my D&C...seeing that blanket on my nightstand. All that I could do was hold it and cry...thinking of the baby that this "B" would not swaddle. Jason put it away the next day.

The other day we were shopping for our trip to Tennessee and we went into Carter's to get Bayli a few things. We were looking around and suddenly Bayli said, "Mommy, I think we need to buy Grayci a "B"...she's going to need one you know." At first I hesitated because I hate to begin getting my hopes up, knowing that from the information that they're giving us that it'll likely be another year before we get her. But then I thought about it. I thought about the lifetime that we'll have Grayci as our daughter. And in the scheme of things, 1 year isn't really that long...especially if it's God's perfect timing. And I decided to stop guarding my heart so much, that it'll never heal if I don't deal with these things.

So, we bought a "B"...

It's hanging in my closet, and every day I look at it and think of the little life that it will be a part of. The sweet body that it'll cover at night. Maybe she'll feel the seam around the edges like Bayli does, or maybe she'll touch her face with the softness, or maybe she'll want to cuddle with it when she skins her knee, or maybe she won't be a blanket girl after all, but it's ok. Because what that "B" represents is so much more to me than the pretty floral fabric and seam around the edges...the softness of that blanket- it softens my heart a little more. It's a little bit of hope for my continually broken heart.

It's a reminder of what good things are still to come for us...

Face for Grace, Holly

Look...a new post!

2007-11-14T13:48:00.000-06:00

Well, I didn't realize quite how long it's been since I've posted anything. We're here, just not blogging much. We are getting ready for some exciting Thanksgiving fun with family. It's hard to believe that the holidays are already here! Time really is moving quickly.

We just made our 4 month birthday...into the waiting game, that is. However, we just found out that our "Gestation Period" is lengthening some. During the 11 months that we've been on this journey we've gone from 15-18 months total processing time, from application through to referral, to now having a wait time of 12-18 months from Dossier submission. For those of you who don't have a clue about international adoption, basically this means that where we originally thought we'd get Gracie around March of '08, then it was more realistically June/July of '08..now we're looking at Dec of '08 or Jan of '09! A whole year from now! Which makes our total process just over 2 years total! When we first got this news, it was upsetting but really didn't shock me much. There had been no referrals coming out, so I had a hunch that they were going to push things back a tad. But when you've come this far, there's really such a peace. Even though the waiting stinks, I have a peace that it's just all in God's timing. The only time that I get antsy at all is when I take things on myself, and don't let God drive.

Our adoption coordinator has asked us to have all of our friends and family continue to pray for the government of El Salvador...they just are not in a hurry to process these applications. I would ask for all of you to pray for us as we continue to wait. Wait on the adoption, and wait on God. I know that He can move these mountains.

Father God, help us and keep us strong as we continue to wait in the process of growing our family. It gets hard when my mind keeps telling me that we're wasting time. Then my heart keeps telling me that we're right on time in your will. The battle between my heart and my mind is a tough one! God I continue to surrender to you and your will in this situation. You will be our rock and our strength and our joy!

Face for Grace,
Holly

God made Everything...even thumbs

2007-10-20T19:44:00.000-06:00

Back before I had a child, you know in the day when I knew everything, I was determined that my child would never "get used" to needing a pacifier, and I would most certainly not have a thumb-sucking child. Heaven's no!

Then came the early days of sleepless nights, sleepless days...and general sleeplessness. And, my oh my the crying. Everyone in the house did a whole lot of crying those first few weeks, but Bayli took the cake. We became desperate, we tried everything, spending probably close to $100 trying to find a pacifier the child would take. We shoved everything in her mouth in an attempt to get her to suck it...we put her thumb, her fingers, her whole fist...possibly even a foot on occasion. Anything to end the crying and to get her to stop the incessant crying. All to no avail.

Somehow we all made it through, and fastforwarding about 6 months; one day we watched her study her hands for quite some time. Then all of a sudden she put her right thumb in her mouth and the rest is history.

And, for someone who did not want a thumb sucking child, I must say...it melted my heart. I still think it's one of the most precious sights in the world...watching a sleepy baby sucking their thumb as they drift off to a peaceful sleep. We knew that we should stop it then, but she was a baby, and it was so cute...so we let it ride. All the while in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that we'll break it when she's about 2. That should be simple enough.

On Bayli's 2nd birthday, I was just 2 weeks past learning we'd lost our 2nd baby. It was a hard time, and she was still a baby herself, so I decided we'd let it go a little longer. After all, she was growing so much and so fast every day, this kept her more of a baby. We decided that it was ok for her to suck her thumb only while sleeping for naps and bedtime. Any other time we'd find her sucking it, we'd make her stop. For some reason I kept thinking that 4 years old was my cut off. 4 is the limit, too old to keep sucking your thumb.

Now she's 4. And she's my only baby still...And, it still melts my heart, and I still think it's sweet, and she only does it for about the first 15 minutes of sleep. But I know it's time. And the dentist confirmed it at her last appointment.

She's been asking for a pink ballerina room. So, we figured that might be some good ammunition to work with. We'll encourage her to stop sucking her thumb and when she masters it completely, we'll give her the pink ballerina room of her choice.

She went along with the plans quite nicely for the entire first day of the "new plan". We even went to Lowe's to pick out some paint chips, just for some tangible incentive. But as bedtime approached she started crawfishing big-time. And as I tucked her in that night, I prayed with her that God would give her strength to help beat this habit. And I prayed scripture over her, "Bayli can do all things through Christ who strengthens her!" It was looking good, until she turned over and said, "Mommy, in Club Faith we learned that God made everything." Stupid Mommy, not even realizing I'm being set up here, pipes up with "That's right honey...God did make everything. And He made all things good and perfect." So, my 4 year old, that's going on 14 replies, "Yes, Mommy...even thumbs. God made thumbs...and they're good. So I'm going to keep sucking mine until I'm older. We'll just wait on the pink room, ok?"

Now, what do you do with that my friends?

Can we talk?

2007-10-13T20:40:00.000-06:00

*Disclaimer...if you do not want a glimpse into the reality and transparency of me...what's really going on inside me...please move on and do not continue reading.

And, I ask that you please do not judge me for being real.*

I remember the day clearly. 2 weeks after the loss...still trying desperately to pull myself together. Something was said to us that just should not have been. And right then and there I subconciously decided that the grieving process was stopping, even though I had not dealt with a thing...I had not accomplished a thing aside from crying for 2 weeks. I carefully chose my bricks and firmly planted them in the fashion of a wall. It's quite lovely, ivy growing on it, pretty flowers. All covered up. Disguised quite nicely. You have to look very carefully to even realize that there is indeed a wall there. But it's holding back the river of healing that so desperately needs to take place...that I want to take place. I want to be free from the weight of this wall, and free from the hurt and the pain that it's hiding. I also know that God wants me to be free from it all...it is not His will for me...

I am going out on a limb here, and might end up regretting it. But, I have realized over the course of the past several weeks that I am not totally healed, mended, whole, whatever from the course of events that we've been dealt over the past 6 years of life. I'm not sure why I thought I was ok, I guess because I've managed to do what I do best...get busy and get things done.

I've set some goals, and accomplished them. I've taken on new projects, and most are nearing completion, if not totally finished. I've implemented some systems and have an entire legal page filled with an on-going to-do list. But, no where on the list is there an entry 'take care of Holly'.

The day I learned we lost the last baby I started clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, severely. I thought it would let up after some time had passed. Well, 10 months has passed and I'm still crying myself to sleep most nights and I'm still waking up with splinters of plastic in my mouth from grinding my splint so badly. I wake myself up several times in the middle of the night because I'm grinding so badly and I can't stop. My shoulder is swelling off and on and I've been having odd chest muscle pain, all from grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw. It's now to the point that my Dentist is totally worried about the long-term damage and, he's totally frustrated because he can't do anything more to help me stop.

Let me stop right here and admit...I am totally defeated in this area...and I'm mad about it.

See, I am smart enough to know there is a bigger problem here. One that can't be solved by getting my splint adjusted. And I'm mad at myself that I can't get to the root of the problem, spiritually speaking. I know this is an attack, and I know that I should be prepared to fight. However, it appears that I'm not. And that makes me mad. I've been saved, and have been full-steam ahead, on-fire for God for 14 years...I should not be battling with this- I should be able to lick this; but it appears that I'm too tired. I'm too tired from keeping myself so busy so that I won't have to think about it or deal with it at all.

My question is, how can you live life and deal with a huge major life thing...how do you heal from 6 years of repeated hurt, suffering, disappointment, grief and loss? When the only way you've ever known to "deal" with something is to stay busy? To not think? To remain numb? It's just the easiest thing to do...dealing with it takes too much time. I'm OCD, I'm pretty sure that's well documented. So, really and truly, how does one go about managing work, home, dishes, supper, meal-planning, grocery store, not to mention bathing, brushing teeth, etc AND take the time to heal and learn to be ok with something that has totally rocked me to the core? Am I analyzing too much? I'm sort of an all or nothing sort of gal, dealing with bits and pieces at a time so that by the time I'm 52 I have this whole thing worked out just isn't good enough for me. How do I get past the hurt for longer than a few days without it festering back up again? How do I get to the point where I can have a conversation with a friend from High School and explain why it is that we only have one child, without getting angry? When does that come? When does the pain stop?

What I've done up until this point is just went on with life, still praying, reading my Bible, spending time with God...hoping that my emotions will catch up with my mind and my body. But it hasn't totally worked yet. It's too much surface stuff...I need to go deeper somehow. Get to the heart of the matter...but who wants to do that...honestly?

Because apparently the easiest way is not always the best way. Because this stuff that you haven't dealt with begins to seep out of your pores in every area of your life. It limits you. And I don't want to be limited, because I serve a God without limits and boundaries.

I don't want to sound like I'm going off the deep end. I know that my life is in God's hand. And I know that He will continue to sustain me. I'm just hurting still, and I don't know how to stop. I'm tired of just coping, because I know that God has more than that for me. And, I'm just being honest. I am not one to put on a show or put on a front...I'm real. And this is the real me right now...thank you Jesus that you are there to rescue me!

Father God, I know that you already know everything about me. You know how badly I'm hurting...you see it and you want me to give it to you. I know that, I just have to do it. God, there are times when the pain is so overwhelming.......it takes my breath away. God, help me. I don't even know what to pray anymore...or how to pray...but You know God. You know. Thank you for loving me...even when I'm in a funk like this. God, heal my broken heart. Father God, I spoke to a friend the other day and mentioned that maybe it's a good thing that we still have this wait time ahead of us...maybe me and You can get some "stuff" worked out. I love you so much God, and all I want is to serve you with my whole heart. And I know that my whole heart isn't available right now b/c of this hurt over the losses and also the words that were spoken. God, those words hurt worse and have done more damage. Help me try to work past that, to forgive that person. God, this is it, all laid out on the line. Tell me the next step, please show me. I can't live like this any more.

Face for Grace,

Holly

A Perfect Princess Party

2007-10-11T15:32:00.000-06:00

I've been a little hesitant about posting this, I think part of it is denial. It hurts to type the words that Bayli is officially 4 years old. 4 years old. I mean, it's not like she's ready to drive or anything, but there is absolutely no sign of baby anywhere on or around her. She is so past that, she is officially a little girl, with this 4th birthday making it official.

Regardless, we set out to have a Princess Party. And, indeed...a Princess Party it was.

We had glass slipper invitations (the pic is a bad example of how very cute they were) glass slipper cookies, we played "Slipper, Slipper...who has the Slipper?" (a princess version of hot potato), we played "Pin the slipper on Cinderella's foot" and the kids even decorated their own cupcakes with the sprinkles that were in the little acrylic glass slippers.

It was, in the words of a very special Princess, "a perfect day and a perfect party...and I wouldn't change a thing Mommy". In my opinion, that is a very high compliment coming from a princess.

(In this picture she's showing off her new "Princess" ring that Grammy and Paw gave her...it's adorable!)

Sorry sweet princess, you will always be my Baby...no matter how much of a Big Girl you grow up to be!!

Face for Grace, Holly

I held a baby

2007-09-25T19:31:00.000-06:00

Some of you might not find this to be a big deal, but I held a baby. Which is something that I have not done in almost 3 years since my last nephew was born. Maybe some of you out there who have experienced loss or infertility might be able to relate to what I'm about to share. Some of you might find that I'm crazy. Regardless, it's my feelings. I haven't been so good at sharing my feelings recently, hence the lack of posts, but I guess now is as good a time as any.

I guess it's best described as needing to guard my heart. I can't explain the physical pain that my heart experiences when I'm around someone's baby. There is such a longing...it's overwhelming. I can think of no other way to guard my heart than to just not hold them.

It's a little sweet smelling 8 lb reminder of what I've lost, wrapped up in a soft little blanket washed in Dreft. And it's agonizing to me.

Jason's brother and his wife had their first baby last week. It was an emergency, she was born a couple of weeks pre-mature with both Mom and baby ending up in ICU. They are both fine now and are both home, praise God! We went to visit them Saturday night in the hospital. And it seemed like the right thing to do, and I wanted to hold her, but I was afraid that I couldn't trust my own emotions. Jason held her first, and he was a natural. He swaddled her for them, and then picked her up and loved on her. It hurt me to watch him. I can't give him what he wants...another child. Then Bayli wanted to hold her, so I had to help. Bayli climbed into my lap and we both held the baby tightly. We took off her little hat to see the sweet, soft little baby hair. She smelled so precious. She made tiny little noises. We investigated her tiny little hands and marveled at her itty bitty fingernails.

It was a precious moment that Bayli and I shared, but it should have been with me showing her our baby. The three of us marveling at her new little sister or brother and investigating all of their sweet little features.

I held it together until we were driving away and I noticed that Bayli was quiet. That doesn't happen too often. I asked her what was wrong and she said with tears in her eyes and chin quivering, "Mommy, I wanted us to be the ones with the new little baby."

Me too....sweet girl...me too

Face for Grace,
Holly

Ode to the "Kitchen" flag

2007-09-13T22:48:00.000-06:00

Apparently the very first thing Bayli's class does every morning is Pledges. They say their pledge to the Bible, the pledge to the Christian Flag and the Pledge of Allegiance. I love the habit training she is receiving, and she seems to be catching on quite well...at least to the pledge to the Bible. The other two flag pledges she has combined into one...and it goes a little like this:

I pledge allegiance to the 'Kitchen' flag of the United States of America,
and to the public for which kingdom it stands,
One nation under God, 'indibidible'
with life, liberty and justice for all who believe.

For those of you who don't know your pledge to the Christian Flag...this is a very good combination of the 2 pledges combined as one. Now, I have to admit that I ascribe to the club of letting the cute phrases go, figuring she is only little once. What's the harm in calling a Starburst a Starbucks anyway? But Jason feels that even though it is indeed oh so cute, we must absolutely correct her at once. I know that's what the professionals will tell you to do, but maybe they just don't know just how much I enjoy this little girl and how much I need for her to stay little for as long as absolutely possible.

But, I am the most patriotic girl one will ever meet. I get angry every time I watch someone from the USA winning a gold medal at the Olympics and they don't sing along with our National Anthem. That is my absolute number 1 pet peeve in life! And, another interesting little tid-bit I bet you didn't know about me...my 2 favorite songs EVIR are "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood and "The Star Spangled Banner". That is the absolute truth. For real. I absolutely love our country and we are absolutely blessed beyond measure to live in such an amazing place. We are the land of the free and the home of the brave people...for the love of all things Red, White and Blue...please sing along the next time you are on the podium receiving a gold medal and representing our country, ok?!

I digress.

Anyway, due to my over-the-top patriotism and feeling it was my duty as a fine upstanding citizen, I did correct Bayli on the pledge to the Kitchen flag and explained that instead it's the Christian flag. She's doing better with it...now it's more like "Kritchen" flag. She's getting there. Even though the 2 pledges are still combined as one long pledge to everything including the "Kritchen" sink :)

face for grace,
Holly

Adventures in Dog Sitting

2007-09-03T19:54:00.000-06:00

Jason, Bayli and I had the adventure of a life-time this weekend...dog sitting.

Anyone who has known me for at least, oh say, 5 minutes knows that I really don't love dogs, or cats, or any other animal, to put it lightly. Actually, I can't think of any other way to say it than to say that I really, really dislike dogs...strongly. Very strongly. I don't like to see them hurt, or hungry or abandoned along side of the road...but even more than the fact that I don't like to see them suffer, I really don't like to see them at my house at all.

But I love my sister and brother in law, so we decided we'd help them out during their long weekend away. We agreed to watch their little 8 lb dog. 8 lbs, couldn't cause that much trouble, right? I should have went back in my memory to when someone else I know was 8 lbs, then I would have had a clear recollection of what trouble an 8 pounder could really be.

Now, let me begin by saying that as far as dogs go, this one is pretty cute. Adorable actually. Cute personality and little floppy ears, very cute. And had it not been for the 4 times that she escaped from our loving arms to frolick around the subdivision, complete with me diving to the ground in hopes of catching her. And our neighbors laughing at us because they know of our "love" for the canine friends. And the fact that we've been woken up at 5:30AM every morning, because even though this cute little doggy sleeps until 10:00 with Mommy and Daddy...apparently it just ain't so when she's away from home. Aside from these few little incidents, we might have decided to keep her...because she's just that cute.

But, 3 really great things came out of this weekend:
#1- Jason has decided he doesn't want a dog after all
#2 Bayli even decided that having a dog is over-rated
#3- I now have even more leverage if any of the above-mentioned folks have a weak moment and change their mind about wanting a dog. I can casually bring up this weekend...enough said.

It's just a lot of work. And when you are as busy as we are, you have to pick and choose the things that are important enough to spend extra time and energy on. And, I think we established the fact that having a dog doesn't fit into the right category. I'm sure it's like having a baby. It's a lot of work, and a lot of extra time. But see, God knew that so he created this thing called "Maternal Instinct" and He makes your "Biological Clock" tick, etc. If there is such a thing as a "Canine Instinct" or "Canine Clock"...I missed it. God didn't give it to me or I've lost it or something.

But, tomorrow is a new day. And then sweet pup will be going home. I'm sure that we'll miss her...although she may not miss us. I'm sure she'll be much happier to get home. But we made it through and we learned some important lessons. And praise God...I'm no longer the only person in my house that doesn't want a dog!

What on earth are they teaching them?

2007-08-22T10:49:00.001-06:00

Well, I am pleased to announce that Bayli loves school and loves her teacher and all seems to be well in the school area. She cried every single day last week, except for Monday, because I was, you know, the self-appointed Teachers Assistant that day. And, I guess, there is no need to cry when your Mommy goes to school with you and all. But, this week she has decided that school is good, even if we do "have to do this every single day!" She hasn't cried once this week and loves to tell me every detail of everything, including the specific details of the hair accessories that each girl wore that day. She can also tell me what every child had for lunch too. Maybe that's why her sandwhich is only half eaten when I pick her up.

And she has learned a ton of new things already. Aside from how to stay in line, that she is number 13 and she must always line up behind Rebekah, who is number 12, and she's also learned about raising your hand before you speak. She has also learned real quick-like that the teacher has a hidden stash of treats for those who are "caught doing something good"...and let me tell you...she has learned to totally maximize her treat-earning possibilities.

They've learned all kinds of new Bible stories too...like last Friday when they learned the one about "Madame and Eve"! She showed me the picture of them, and had the entire story quite accurate...except the Madame part. She's quite ready for Bible College, don't you think?

Of course, they are learning other important things like numbers and letters, etc...but there are no exciting stories to mention about that. Oh, and she is the door holder this week! And she takes it quite seriously too. When I dropped her off yesterday morning, she announced loudly as we were opening the car door, "The door holder is now here!".

We may not be able to stand to live with her when she gets promoted to Line Leader!

Face for Grace,

Holly

We lived to tell about it...

2007-08-13T20:01:00.000-06:00

Well, today was the first day of school. We are still alive, and I guess we're even going back tomorrow. We'll see in the morning.

Really, all in all- it wasn't bad. I guess I had cried enough the entire weekend that it wasn't so bad today. It took my breath away when Jason got her dressed in her uniform, then she walked into my bathroom for me to fix her hair. She suddenly looked rather grown up. I was not impressed with the thought of her growing up and having a backpack, a lunch bag and everything else. It's just crazy...she's still a baby.

But I do have a confession to make. I stayed the entire day today to "help" the teacher. Hey...she asked for volunteers throughout the year. I just decided to start the first day! I promise that I helped and I didn't show my child any favortism. After all, I'm used to that with her being in Club Faith every Sunday and Wednesday. I've become rather good at being in the room with her without favoring her. Even if I do think she's the cutest one in the room :) (Kidding!)

I was rather amazed at how well Bayli did. I was concerned because she's the youngest in her class, but you couldn't tell when observing the entire class. That makes me feel better about everything. I was afraid that she'd be helpless in this big class of 20 kids. I guess being a "mommy" you tend to be an enabler to your child's helplessness. It's what we do- we do everything for them, even if they are more than capable of doing it for themselves. But, today I realized that everything that I've worked so hard to achieve during the time I've spent at home with her became my own worst fear...she was fine without me and is a very capable, confident and competent little girl. But when we got home, we were barely in the door when she climbed up into my lap for me to hold her. I stroked her hair and we talked for a few short minutes about the favorite parts of her day before she drifted off to sleep. She was literally snoring in a matter of seconds. I needed to start supper, but chose not too. I just kept rocking her and stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. I held her for about 15 minutes before laying her down for a little nap.

It was a sweet moment...one that we both needed.

Face for Grace,

Holly

Train up a child

2007-08-10T14:17:00.000-06:00

From very early on in my pregnancy with Bayli, I remember praying one specific thing...I prayed for a child with a sweet spirit. I had never raised a baby before, but I had dealt with many, many children and I determined that children with a sweet spirit seemed to be correctable and very teachable, not to mention the obvious sweet hugs and sensitivity.

I've heard, over the course of the years, many pregnant women praying for specifics about their babies...things that they want. The hair color, the eye color, long eyelashes, they pray for a "good" baby...one that doesn't cry too much and sleeps well. All of these things are fine, and I believe that God wants to us to pray specifically for things we desire, as it's His will to give us the desires of our heart. I honestly didn't pray for much more than a healthy baby with a sweet spirit. I did, on more than one occasion make my request known before God that I desired to have a girl, but I knew that the sex of the baby had already been determined at conception, so praying for it at that time really wouldn't change much.

But I did continually pray for a child with a sweet, teachable and correctable spirit. I figured if she had that, then everything else would fall into place.

Throughout her life so far, I cannot even begin to count the number of people who have told us about what a sweet spirit she has...perfect strangers have commented on it. We even had a perfect stranger pay for our lunch one day because they thought that Bayli was so sweet and loved how we prayed together as a family. That was during her stage when she'd throw her arms up into the air and shout "AMEN!" after we would pray!

Now... is she always sweet? Not always, she can be mean and bossy and demanding and caddy just like little girls (and big ones too) are known for. But, when Jason or I try to talk to her, she listens and understands. I have witnessed her repent in a very sincere manner many times.

Jason and I take turns reading and praying with her every night. And a couple of months ago, Jason came out of Bayli's room after reading and praying with her and said that she had asked him about asking Jesus to live in her heart to forgive her of her sins. At 3 1/2! And she has quite an understanding of it all. She is very sensitive to the fact that Jesus died on the cross for her.

Earlier this week, we were talking in the car and she said to me, "Mommy...I've made a decision. I think that it's not fun to make you or Daddy sad or Jesus sad when I do wrong things. So, I've decided I'm just going to listen the first time all of the time. Is that ok?" (We encouage first-time-obedience as part of our discipline and child-rearing)

I was floored.

With tears streaming down my face, I encouraged her and told her of course that was more than ok...and that would make Jesus and Mommy and Daddy very happy and very proud. And that there may still be times when she may not listen the very first time even though she knows she should. And if that happens, she can just ask Jesus and us to forgive her and it's all forgotten about. Then we both said I love you's...started by her.

This was 5 days ago. And I cannot even begin to explain the level of sweetness this week. She really, truly is a changed little girl...we've had first-time-obedience all day, every day the entire week. It has been utterly amazing.

Now, do I think that she will be perfect from here on out? Absolutely not. But somewhere, somehow a change has taken place. She's gotten a taste of something real, and we need to continue to foster that and help her grow in her walk. Her walk of obedience to us, her parents, and to her Heavenly Father.

See, I am so very sad about her starting school...I'm really having a super hard time with it. I feel like my "job" is being taken away from me...like I've been demoted. Being a full-time Mom is what I do. Now someone else will be raising her for about 7 hours of the day. My heart and my home will be empty until 3:00 every day. But, praise God that I was able to see a glimpse of the reward of the molding and the shaping that has taken place in our home for the past almost 4 years. I know that we still have a long way to go, but she is beginning to "get it"...she is beginning to grasp what we've been pouring into her since the day of her birth. God has revealed to me that she's going to be ok. I've done my job until this point...and I've done it well. Now someone else will handle her education.

Someone else will teach her phonics, reading and writing, but I will still be her one and only Mommy.

Father God, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with anguish because of the babies we've lost and with my desire to mother someone else. Sometimes the pain in my heart is unbearable...I just wish there was one person out there who understood that I could talk to. But God, if for right now I can only be the mother to one child...thank you for allowing me the privilege of being the mother to Bayli. Thank you for creating her to be the light of our lives. She is wise beyond her years and it is an awesome honor to be her mother and to be a part of the journey of her life. Even though I am so priviliged to be one of the first people to share the love of Christ with so many children week in and week out...there is no greater joy than sharing Jesus with my sweet girl. God, she's getting it! She's getting and gaining an understanding of Your love! I pray that we can continue to foster her sensitivity and encourage the desire she has to please you. I pray that Jason and I are pleasing to you as parents. Please show us and guide us and teach us as we continue to teach her.

God, protect Graci...I pray that if she's been born yet that she has someone in the orphanage to bond with. Someone who does more than just meet her physical needs. I pray that she feels love...God, we love her so much even though we don't know her yet. God, keep her safe...her mind, her body, her spirit...keep her safe and protected.

Face for Grace,
Holly

We're still here

2007-08-06T13:19:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted. But, no news = no post! We've been very busy with VBS/Cheering for Jesus & Sports Clinics. We had a bigger turn out than we originally expected and had an amazing week. The rain held off all week until the last night, which was sort of a bummer. But we worked through it and still managed to have a very successful week.

Scott, my brother, was home last week before heading off to California for additional training prior to heading to Iraq. We had a very good week visiting with him and hated to see him go. He feels that it's something he needs to do, which is why he re-enlisted. All that we can do now is pray for his quick and safe return.

We are already almost 4 weeks in to the waiting game for Gracie. The time has gone quickly because we've been so busy. I can't wait...to see her, smell her, hold her, just get to know her. My heart yearns to mother someone else. I pray that God is preparing this little girl for her freak of a mama...I've been holding back so many emotions and have been denied so many "mothering opportunities" through the miscarriages that I don't know if she'll be ready for me when I finally get to meet her. I think I will hold her and squeeze her until my arms break!

Life has been very hard for me recently. My mind is in constant warfare...actually my mind and heart are battling each other a lot. I know it's because the due date from our last pregnancy is still so fresh on our minds and hearts. Bayli will be starting school one week from today. Then I'll have an empty nest. I know that has a lot to do with my sadness too. I still struggle a lot with my emotions...trying to keep them in check and at a healthy balance. I know that it's normal to be emotional; I mean, we've been through a lot. But God is good and He will continue to grow us as we complete this journey.

Isaiah 55:11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

I am also struggling with going back to work. I know it's something that I must do in order to pay for the rest of the adoption. But, I'm concerned with fitting everything into my schedule. I have a lot of hours that I already put into our children's ministry...a lot of hours. Going back to work 3 days a week will make it almost impossible to do the work for the ministry. I am battling...it's like I feel God telling me to trust Him for the rest of the finances. But it doesn't make sense...I'm afraid of making a wrong decision either way.

God, thanks for loving me even when I'm a tad bit skeptical about things. I know, deep down inside my heart that you've got this whole thing figured out. I know that you have a plan for Gracie to be a part of our family, so I know that you have a plan to pay for her becoming a part of our family. God I pray that you will continue to show and reveal to us the next step that we should take...give us unquestionable peace. Prepare our hearts to hear your voice.

Face for Grace,
Holly

VBS is NOT good for the BLOG

2007-07-23T07:49:00.000-06:00

Just for the record, VBS is not good for the BLOG. I've been burning the candle at both ends in an amazing way the past couple of weeks. Sorry for the lack of posting. I have a friend that jokes with me that they'll need to take a vacation day to read all of my posts because I usually post all the time. Well, now's the time to catch up if you are behind. This will probably be it for a while.

Not only is this week VBS/Cheering for Jesus/Sports Clinics, we also have Water Day Sunday. Not to mention that Scott, my brother, is coming home for a one week leave from his training prior to heading out to Iraq. The next 10 days will probably be a blur. But it's going to be good! Nothing fuels me more than ministering to a bunch of kids! And I'm very excited about seeing Scott and spending as much time with him as he can stand.

Nothing new on the adoption front. All of our paperwork has been sent, now we just wait for it to be processed. We're still looking at about a 12 month wait, but we're of course praying for things to proceed more quickly than that.

There's also the fact that my baby girl will be starting school in a few short weeks. I'm not happy about this, but it's the way that it is. I know that it will be good for her, she's so ready to learn more. But I plan on spending some major time with her in the next few weeks. This will be the last few days we'll have like this. Things will be different after she starts school. She'll be more independent and she'll be a big girl. I just don't like change...

Anyway, see you guys in a week or so, unless something majorly post-worthy happens.

Face for Grace,
Holly

YEAH for BELLA

2007-07-17T12:51:00.000-06:00

Some of you may remember my friend Amanda that I've met through our adoption process. She and her husband have been going through so much during their adoption process. They've been caugh up in a lot of red tape and just plain old craziness, with months of delays and not an end in sight! But, God has heard our prayers and He has moved...and she's got good news! BELLA IS COMING HOME! You've got to visit her BLOG to see this precious baby. It is the absolute best news that I've heard in forever! I can't describe the happiness that I feel for them right now...I can only imagine that their hearts are overflowing with joy, excitement, relief...

God is good, and He answers prayers!

A great weekend & a reflection about tomorrow

2007-07-15T13:06:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Jason and I celebrated our 12 year anniversary. 12 years. It seems impossible...the time really has passed so quickly. To celebrate we got away for a few days, just the 2 of us. We had a great time...it was a much needed mini-vacation. Jason really went all out in making sure that we had a special and memorable weekend and anniversary! He is such an awesome husband...and I am one blessed woman to have him! While we were away, we got a call from Christi at our adoption agency, and she told us that our Dossier was mailed out and was on it's way to El Salvador! That was the news that we really needed to hear, at a time that I really needed to hear it.

Tomorrow, July 16th is the due date of the last baby that we lost. Due dates are always the hardest days to face. No matter how hard you may try to not dwell on the loss, or on what should have been...you can't help but wonder about what should have been. We should be welcoming a new life into our family tomorrow. A new bundle of joy with 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. With itsy-bitsy little hands and feet. We should be eagerly awaiting the time when we get to meet this precious little life, learning the personality of this new family member. I still cry for this baby...my heart really still does hurt over the loss.

All weekend I teared up at the sight or sounds of little babies. It was really difficult to stop the tears. But I did. Even though I had so many thoughts of the life that we've lost, I had to make the decision to be ok with going on. I decided that I was going to have a good weekend, and that instead we would celebrate the lives that are still to come into our family. Whether biological or through adoption; our family will grow, and Jason and I will be ready and waiting when it happens.

I wonder about who she would have looked like. Would she suck her thumb like Bayli? Would she have a head full of hair? Would she have been another 9 lb moose? Would she......if only we had been able to know. From past experience I know that tomorrow will be one of the 3 hardest days that I will ever face. But I will face it, and eventually the sun will set and night time will come, and a new day will be only a few hours away. And I will make it through, even though I wish I didn't have to.

Father God, I know that you have us on this journey for a reason. We really are excited about our future, even though the present is sort of difficult right now. I know that it will get better and you will carry me and Jason through. Thank you that your hand is upon us as we continue with our adoption. I thank you for being with us during the paperwork process, and I praise you for having your hand upon our papers as they are being processed in El Salvador. I pray for favor, that things will go according to your marvelous plan...as we continue to the next leg of our journey. I thank you for a sweet little girl that we will name Gracie, that will come into our waiting arms and hearts and home in your precious, perfect timing.

Face for Grace, Holly

Something unexpected

2007-07-10T19:52:00.000-06:00

I've struggled with whether or not to post about a particular recent happening in our lives, but I finally decided after much prayer that God needs to be glorified for the work He's done. Without giving away too many details, I will try my hardest to tell a sensible story without too many holes in it.

One of my earliest posts was in reference to my fear regarding the financial side of our adoption...and that after much prayer and just daily laying down my fears and struggles at His feet, I came to place of peace. I was not sure how the finances would come about, but I knew that God had spoken this to us...therefore He would provide.

I have tried many times to make this work out according to how I thought it should go. Jason and I had made the decision when I got pregnant for Bayli that I would stay home with her. The end. It was absolutely important for both of us. When we decided to adopt, I figured I would go back to work to help fund the adoption; and then would stay home again after Gracie came home. But we knew that I only had a few short months until Bayli started K-4, and neither Jason or I felt that it was fair to Bayli for me to go back to work now- just to fund the way for another child to come into our lives. I automatically assumed somewhere in the back of my mind that God would just send an angel with a check written from The First Bank of Heaven to the tune of $20,000. Well, we waited...and it didn't happen.

After much dragging our feet and gnashing of teeth, we did something we did not want to do...we got a loan for the adoption. With the intentions of after Bayli started school and got settled, that I would go to work part-time to pay this loan off.

I sought counsel from 4 or 5 different people regarding this decision. They were people that I really trusted, and whose opinions I value greatly- and most importantly they were people who I really trusted would give us Godly counsel. They are also people who are good stewards of their money and don't have a lot of debt, if any at all. They all had slight variations on their opinions, but all basically agreed that it was ok to get the loan, so long as we paid it back quickly. I had peace about this, but still really struggled with whether or not this was the right thing to do. I wanted to trust God for the finances, but I also didn't want to put a time-limit on Him, but then I didn't want to do things on my own accord. So, we continued to pray and fast and felt a release to get the loan. We figured that if God felt the need to bless us unexpectedly with monitary blessings, we would just apply it to our loan and pay it back that much quicker. We also went into it with the understanding that we'd pay for everything we could out of pocket, that the money from our loan would be there for the bigger payments that we didn't have time to save up for.

With all of that said, I had gotten to a place of peace with the way that we are paying for the adoption. It wasn't my ideal of what we'd do in a perfect world, but I was ok with it. But we were still believing for all of the blessings that God felt should come our way. We have sowed seeds, continued with our tithes and offerings above our tithes. And I thanked God that I had found a job that I could do 3 days a week while Bayli was in school to pay this off. It was all good.
Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue...the unexpected happened. God had impressed upon someone's heart that they should bless us with a specific amount of money towards the adoption. They said, "It's not much"...but it was plenty. Not just the dollar amount, but the whole package...the kind words, the hugs, the prayers, the fact that they were obedient to what God had instructed them to do. And, last but not least, the reassurance to us that God really certainly has ordained this time in our lives. And we were at a point where we needed another confirmation to that fact.

The best part was, we had to make a payment Friday when we sent off our Dossier. We also had to pay quite a bit for all of the apostilles, and for the shipping fees. And everything was covered with our unexpecting blessing.

Our Pastor just shared with us Sunday night at a Leadership Meeting a quote that goes "if it's God's will, it's God's bill"...

Father God, we were content but still asking and praying for bigger, for more. Thank you for not allowing us to make due with just making it...thank you for giving us more than we hoped and asked for. We continue to leave this all in your hands...the rest of the process, the rest of the money that we'll need, the waiting, the everything that goes along with it. Thank you that you speak to your children, and thank you for making our hearts soft to listen and obey.

Face for Grace

A college education is definitely required...

2007-07-09T17:44:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning and my child was a 3 year old asking 3 year old questions. By about 4:30 this afternoon, she had blossomed into a 3 year old asking 20 year old questions. Now, make no mistake about it, we've always known she was smart. We joked when she was 1 year old that we were going to pre-enroll her in Harvard. I realize that everyone thinks their child is the smartest, brightest human being that God ever created...and we, obviously were no exception to that.

For her 1 year check-up the pediatrician asked me if she could say about 3 words, even if others couldn't understand them...if we were the only ones who could understand them they still counted as words. I took a quick mental inventory of the words that Bayli could say, I'm talking clearly say where perfect strangers could understand her. The total was 15+ words. I'm not just talking "Mama" and "Da-da" type of stuff here. By her one year birthday she could say the normal stuff plus "balloon" and "elephant". By 18 months she was up to 100+ words.

How cute, we thought. Awe...she loves to talk. We really had no idea...It's now a race for the child to get in 10,000 words by 9:45. IN THE MORNING!

I really thought I was prepared for the question stage, because she's been talking for so long. And she has always talked so much, and was down-right good at it. I feel safe in saying that talking could be considered a hobby for her. Maybe one day she may be able to tie it into a lucrative profession. I'm telling ya'll...she's that good.

Anyway, for the past forever, she has been dabbling with the question phase. Just dippin' her toe in the water apparently. Why is it supper and not lunch? Because we already had lunch. But why? And so on it goes. Well, today she decided to try her hand at the big guns. She was helping me make supper and asked, "Mommy...when I tell someone I'm 3 with my hand (holding up 3 fingers) what holds my fingers up?" My limited 1 1/2 years of college education self answered her in all honesty "Your hand and your arm holds your fingers up". She said, "No Mommy what makes them stand up straight and not fall over...is there sticks in there?!" Oh. Ok.

So much for the typical 3 year old "why" questions. At this rate, by Christmas I might have to enroll in some night classes at the local university to keep up my qualifications to be her primary care giver!!

Face for Grace

FED EX spells RELIEF

2007-07-06T21:03:00.000-06:00

Well, today was the day. We officially mailed our Dossier today! As much as I thought I had everything together waiting for that one last document from New Orleans; I was sadly mistaken the more I looked things over. I had over looked a few things, misinterpreted a few instructions and just plain old messed a couple of things up. I'm making it sound a little worse than it actually is...I was able to correct everything in just 2 days. But it did leave me scurrying around a bit more than I had wanted to today. I feel pretty confident that all is well right now, we're just going to have to wait it out for a few days until I hear from Christi, our coordinator from America World.

I got very nervous earlier today when I handed my documents over to the clerk at the Secretary of State's office to be Apostilled. My hands were shaking and I had a hard time letting go. I can't put a finger on it; maybe it was just the finality of this stage in our lives...or a deep down fear that something might be wrong, or maybe just a fear of letting those papers out of my hands for the 10 minutes it took for her to process them. Regardless of why, I can promise you that I went through a broad spectrum of emotions today; excitement, pressure and tension, overwhelmed with tears at one point...but eventually total relief won out. I feel as though we'll be able to have our lives back now. I had no idea how much of my time this would consume. Now we'll be consumed with waiting and watching the pages of our calendar flip as time passes.

Anyway, just for the fun of it, I thought you guys might be interested in seeing the fruit of our labor. This is the plethora of paperwork, documents, home study report, psychological report, etc. This is what has taken me since February 20th-ish to complete. And, rest-assured, there are several of these stacks that are more than one document deep.

Aside from the stacks of paperwork, I've also included a picture of one of our photo pages. Aren't we cute?

I've really enjoyed this part of the process, but I'm glad to be leaving it behind and moving on to the next step. I will, no doubt, keep everyone posted on any progress from here. Aside from being officially logged-in, I can't imagine there will be much to communicate for quite some time. Which means that you'll have to be bored with hearing about "us" for a while...just good old family stuff while we wait.

Are we there yet? Is it May 2008 yet?

Just kidding! Have a great weekend!

Face for Grace

Being OCD is hard work...

2007-07-05T21:09:00.001-06:00

I've admitted before that I'm a tad OCD. This should come as no surprise to any of you. However, I realized this weekend that this is hard work. I need to lighten up and give myself a break already.

See, I don't allow myself many hobbies; I guess it's because I don't rest well if I can't follow something through to completion. I love to scrapbook. Any every time I have the opportunity, I scrapbook like the wind because I can't stand to be behind...I am only at peace when I'm caught up or working on current pictures. There is no such thing as just leisurly doing a page or two for the fun of it. Oh, no...there's no fun in it anymore. I must conquer the scrapbook hobby. It's quite sad.

Aside from scrapbooking, I love to read. I don't necessarily have a style of writing that I prefer, I just love to read. If it sounds interesting, that's good enough for me. Since I have that little OCD thing happening it's hard for me to start a book, read a chapter or two and just put it down until there is more time. Because guess what? There is never any more time. Not just to lie around and read, that is. My only time to read is in the tub, and even that isn't totally uninterrupted. But it's so relaxing to me. Until recently. See, I decided some time ago that I might put novels aside for a while and stick to some easy reading, like Reader's Digest. It's full of short stories and I can just pick it up and read several articles and then put it down, and I'm ok with it. The problem is this...our subscription had lapsed. When I finally got around to filling out a check and mailing it in (is that antiquated or what? Let's get with the program here...online bill pay people.) Anyway, we had missed a few issues by the time they received my subscription card and payment. But apparently they decided they'd be nice and catch us up or something. Because currently I have 3 months of issues that I've got to read. Then, my sweet husband ordered me Real Simple for Mother's Day. I love this magazine with all of my OCD heart...it feeds my need for organization and all things OCD. It's awesome. But see, when he decided to suscribe to it for me, he bought me the May issue, then the June issue came out the next week and he picked that one up for me too. So I have 2 of those to read also.

5 magazines y'all. And I can't just skim through them because I might miss something. I have to read from cover to cover because it's the way it should go. The craziness...

I tried to share my magazine woes with my sister. I really thought she could offer some sound older sisterly advice regarding this oh so delicate situation. Her response was quite shocking to me. She subscribes to 9 magazines. Nine. A few of these come in weekly! And she is looking for a few more things to read by the end of the month. I would have to take a vacation daily to read that many magazines. I can not imagine keeping up with that. Not to mention the clutter that nine magazine subscriptions could create in a month's time. Anyway, she proceeded to advise me that reading is supposed to be fun, and I should lighten up and enjoy it already.

OK really, so that's how that works. I'll make a mental note of that.

On the way to Baton Rouge tonight Jason called the people from Real Simple because it appears that we haven't received the July issue yet. Apparently it takes a while for them to begin sending the magazines to you once you've subscribed. My first one will come in August. He was totally sad for me and told me that we'll just have to purchase July. He is so precious. But, deep down inside I breathed a sigh of relief. I think I'm just going to throw caution to the wind this time and wait for the August issue to come in.

Maybe I will be better caught up with my summer reading list by then.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Please join me in singing the Hallelujah Chorus...

2007-07-02T19:49:00.000-06:00

The envelope please...

Q. And what exactly was the return address on the envelope?
A. US Department of Immigration

Q. And what very important document was inside of the envelope?
A. The single piece of paper that we've been waiting for 6 weeks to recieve!

Q. Did you hear the angels resound with the glorious singing of Handel's Messiah/The Hallelujah Chorus?
A. O.K. you may have missed that part...but we heard it clearly and so did all of our neighbors over here in our cul-de-saq!

Q. What's next?
A. I have one more appointment to get some things notarized & I have to fax the last little stack of papers to our adoption coordinator for her review. Once she approves everything I head to the Secretary of State office to get all documents "Apostilled"...then I send them all off to America World. After they are translated to Spanish, it will be sent to El Salvador and logged in. In other words, we'll officially be on the waiting list! (Sounds like a lot, but shouldn't be longer than a week or so)

Whew! What a relief!

Father God...thank you for answering prayers. We are one step closer on our journey. Even though I've gotten discouraged at times, I have certainly grown by leaps and bounds during this process. I know that the wait really has only just begun...but it feels good to have made it this far. Thank you for guiding our footsteps to make it this far in this amazing journey!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Soaking it all In

2007-07-01T21:40:00.000-06:00

This weekend I was able to get away to a women's conference in Lafayette. Our Pastor's wife was one of the guest speakers and she invited some of us to go along with her.

I was very excited to go, but I'm always hesitant to leave Jason and Bayli for any amount of time. I guess the devil senses that about me, because he always tries every trick in the book...and every time I am supposed to go away Bayli gets sick. For real. This time I thought I had eluded this, and then she woke up at 3:00 Thursday morning with high (102.8) fever and croup. She went to bed Wednesday night with no signs of any sort of sickness at all. Oh, and did I mention I was to leave Thursday in less than 12 hours?

And this time, to make matters worse she didn't just have the Croup cough, you know the one that sounds like you have a seal living in the room next to you? This time on top of that, she had much breathing diffiulty. Much. It scared me to death. Jason, on the other hand, told her to calm down and that it would all be fine. She was gasping for air at times. Good thing we balance each other out, because as you can see, he's not easily rattled or alarmed...as I'm sure you can imagine I was totally calm myself. Ahem.

This was her 3rd time with Croup, so from previous experience our Pediatrician had told me to stick her head in the freezer to let her breath in the cold air and it would shrink the swelling in her throat. He also said that swallowing ice chips or drinking very iced down water should have the same effect. We opted for the latter. After a few minutes of drinking the ice water she was able to breath a little better, at least momentarily. So, my suspicions were confirmed that we indeed had a case of the Croup. Not being the one to over-react, Jason felt she'd be fine waiting until the morning to see the Pediatrician. So, I allowed her in our bed (which never happens...) it was quite the treat for all of us involved! She is not a calm sleeper, and I woke up with bruises...well, I got out of bed in the morning with bruises. Saying that I "woke up" would imply that I actually slept with my child wheezing and crowding me and kicking me, etc.

Anyway, we went to the Dr. first thing in the morning. He gave her a steriod shot and she was breathing better within minutes. But still had fever. Considering that I hate to leave at all, when she is sick its almost impossible to pry me out of this house. But I really felt an urgency to attend this conference. So, I arranged to drive myself to the conference. That way I could leave later, and would have my own transportation if I needed to come home. It just made me feel better.

At 3:30 I dropped Bayli off with my Mother in Law and I got on the road. And, I kid you not, I felt like a woman on the run. I was all panicky and kept looking in my rear view mirror...thinking that the "Mommy police" would be behind me with the sirens going and the lights flashing. It's like that feeling you get when you think you've forgotten something, or when all day you keep thinking you left your flat iron on and just know you'll come back to a cinged house. I remember right after I had Bayli, I had severe depression. My friend suggested that I get out of the house, go to Wal Mart or something. So I did...but it was never the same again. No matter where I went, she always belonged to me, and the realization hit me that I will always have someone to take care of and to be responsible for. I guess I didn't feel guilty for getting away, as much as I felt irresponsible. Jason kept telling me she's be fine, he could handle it. But, he's not me.

But, it was absolutely the best weekend. And we all lived to tell about it. And my goodness, the sweetness when I got home! She kept holding my cheeks and kissing me and telling me that she "is happy that I'm her Mommy" and that she was "so happy that I'm back, because she missed me all day long!" And, I was "her favorite and her best". Maybe I need to go away more often?

And, I got to hear 7 incredible women of God speak...I sat in 6 sessions and a 2 hour long worship session! You have to understand, Jason and I are in children's ministry. I have only been in "big church" 4 times since January 1 this year. We've had a lot of changes in our ministry and a lot of adjusting due to adding a service, and we've had to miss a lot of church to have all areas covered. So, to get this much word in one weekend was so amazing to me. And I wasn't responsible for a thing. All I had to do was show up and sit on a pew. Now, I love our work in the ministry and I love being a servant...but sometimes it feels good to receive. It was amazingly good...I cant' even begin to describe how refreshed I felt.

And the best part was...I came home to an almost spotless house. And Bayli's fever was gone. Her Daddy had taken excellent care of her while I was away. They had some good quality time together...2 whole "Daddy Days". I am certainly blessed.

Father God, thank you for making a way for us to get away sometimes. And thank you for making it so very sweet when we get home! I love our life, and I love the place where we are right now in our lives. And I love my husband and my daughter...thanks for your abundant blessings!

face for grace,
Holly

Adoption Update

2007-06-28T13:09:00.000-06:00

Some people have been wondering where we stand with the adoption. Everything is basically at a stand-still while waiting for our I-171H from New Orleans. That is the paperwork that we've been waiting on from New Orleans Immigration office.

It's quite frustrating because our hands are totally tied at this point. There is no way to check the status and we are past the estimated time frame. Well, sort of. USCIS covers themselves by giving you a window of 60-180 days. And you think having a window of 4 hours for a repair-man or cable tech, etc is bad? They go ahead and give themselves a 6 month window of opportunity to get their work complete. And then there is a rule that you can't question your application until it's 30 days past the estimated time frame. Is that crazy or what?

It's all going to be ok. It's just frustrating because we are wasting time. We are not even on the waiting list because we are lacking this one last piece of paper. And we can't go forward until we get it. I've been finished with everything except for this for about 6 weeks or so. So I feel as though we've lost 6 weeks of progress.

But, our lives are in God's hands. And He is the author and the finisher. And He will bring this to completion. If it pushes things back a few months, then He must have a good reason for it all.

So, these are the days of our lives at this paricular time. Pray for the people in New Orleans Immigration office to get themselves together and begin processing paperwork in a more timely manner. They don't seem to realize, or maybe they realize but don't care, how much they are putting people's lives and futures on hold.

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how we could possibly get this worked through quicker, please let us know.

Dear Jesus,
I thank you that this is all in Your mighty hands. I am content to wait, but of course my flesh would prefer if we could get moving a little quicker. I am believing and holding out for Your perfect will to be done with this situation. I thank you for always being right on time.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Remembering and Hindsight...they're both 20/20

2007-06-25T20:39:00.000-06:00

Today was Jason's Grandmother's funeral. She was 88 years old, but was in excellent health. We were all very shocked when she suddenly passed away, despite her age. I first met Maw Maw a few months after Jason and I began dating. She has probably only spoken about 10 sentences to me during the entire time that I knew her. She was a woman of very few words, but yet very loving and caring. She loved her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren. Her oldest child was a boy and he had 1 son. Her middle child never married or had any children. Jason's mother, Mrs Carol, was the baby and she went on to have her 4 boys. No girls. Jason's brother was the first of the grandchildren to have children, and he was a boy. Do you see a pattern here? Still no girls. Bayli came along a year later, which means that she was the first girl born on that side of the family in 53 years. The word spoiled officially had new meaning. The child has more jewelry than I do, and that is saying something.

During the service I kept thinking about the fact that I never really got to know Maw Maw very much. Her husband had passed away before Jason was even born. I sat and wondered how they had met... how did he propose to her? Was he a romantic? Did he ever surprise her with flowers? Was it love at first sight...or did it take a while for their love to blossom? As I sat there thinking about all of these questions, I realized that some important family history is now gone. Bayli will never know the answers to those questions about her Great-Grandparents. I love geneology and history and I have spent many hours painstakingly trying to preserve my family history...not only because I want to know, but because one day someone else may want to know. Anybody can look up birth records and death records, and any body can find out a maiden name or an anniversary date. But the stories of Maw Maw are now lost.

Hindsight is 20/20.

If I had one more afternoon with my husband's grandmother, I would have asked her what her favorite memory was of the time she shared with her husband. And I would have written it down for my grandchildren to be able to read one day. Who knows, maybe it would have began a conversation with this soft spoken, precious woman. Maybe she never talked much because I was never quiet enough to listen. I really wonder what stories she had kept inside that she may have shared with me. I would also take a picture of Bayli together with Jason's Mom and Maw Maw...because can you believe that we never thought to do that? Her only granddaughter and the first girl in 52 years and no pictures of them together. What a shame that Bayli or her children won't have that one day.

These thoughts have been playing inside my head all day. Because, even though I scrapbook, and I'm trying to put together a family history album, I now realize that I need to include some more personal information. My great-great granddaughter may need to know about my miscarriages one day. About how it prompted us to this time in our lives. She may need to know more than the facts...I was born in 1974, and that I was 28 before having my first child. It will probably give our descendants comfort to know that I was, and still am madly and passionately in love with my husband. And that if not for him, I would never have made it through the horrible pain of the miscarriages. And that I love his smile. And that after 12 years of marriage my heart still does skip a beat when he walks into a room. And that we still argue sometimes...but that we choose to make up. And that when he proposed to me it was not the story book proposal that I had always dreamed of, so I made him do it again...because it really was not that good the first time around. But he did it right the second time, and I said yes...again. I would have been crazy not to...because he completes me.

Those are the things that you can't put on a tombstone, or write about in an obituary. And to me, those are the things worth preserving...for the sake of history...for the sake of a family name.

Now, because it's not like me to be totally serious...emotional and mushy yes, serious no. Tonight at supper I asked Jason what his favorite memory was of the two of us together. He said it was our first trip to Niagara Falls. We had just gotten engaged (the not-so-good proposal time) and I had brought him to Pennsylvania to meet all of my family and we went to Niagara Falls with a friend of mine and her "friend" that she refused to call a boyfriend. Niagara Falls is absolutely something to see, especially at night. There is an amazing light show. Well, my memory was not a lovey-dovey memory. Right after we got married we moved to Gulfport for a year. When we were moving home we had made it about 5 miles, if that, outside of Gulfport and the U-haul truck that we had rented broke down. We had to pull off to the side of I-10, the u-haul and the 2 or 3 other cars who were traveling with us. This was before the days of cell phones, so someone drove to a gas station and called the U-haul company, etc. Well, one thing that I may just need to document about Jason...you know, for the sake of preserving family history and all; is that there are times when he can have a pretty short fuse. This was definitely one of those times. I, on the other hand, try to be the eternal optimist and didn't see the huge problem with being along side I-10 with all of our belongings right there with us, in a truck...that had broken down. I knew we'd figure something out and it would be ok. So, thinking this would be a good memory to document for future generations to read about one day, I started snapping some pictures. Well, he began to snap also, but in a different way. He came over and told me that he would not break the camera because it cost too much money and was way too new, but he'd have no problem injuring my picture taking finger if I snapped one more shot. Well, we'd only been married a year and that whole submission thing hadn't quite kicked in yet for me. Let's just say it got very interesting real quick.

But, I learned tonight that remembering is also 20/20, because finally, after 11 years I was able to laugh about that memory.

Ok, so truth be told, for Jason remembering is more like 20/200...because he still isn't laughing. But one day he will. And, yes, I have the Kodak and the scrapbook page all complete...our great-grandchildren should get a good kick out of that one!

Go take some time and call your grandparents, or your parents for that matter. And ask them something that you'd like to know about them. Something worth passing down. Actually, it's all worth passing down. I shudder to think of the history that is buried...lost...forever...every single day. I don't even know my grandmother's favorite color. I guess I have a phone call to make too.

Face for Grace,
Holly

A Big Smile

2007-06-23T12:38:00.000-06:00

Last night we went to Chuck E Cheese. No special reason, just because we could. We really had a great time, and one particular person had a GREAT time. Bayli had fun too! Jason loves to play games...especially when he is pumped up about winning some tickets for his little girl. She had her eye on a light up princess wand, and he was determined to win it for her.

I am here to tell you, the new Chuck E Cheese on Seigen Lane is not the Chuck E Cheese of old. Holy Cow! The excitement level in that place was amazing. I saw first hand the competition that we are up against in the church world. I mean, if we could get some kids that excited about Jesus...talk about a generation of world changers!

On a different note...y'all know how emotional I get about things. Bayli has been asking for months to go to "Chunk 'n' Cheese"! And for the past 2 days she could hardly contain herself. We had printed some coupons off the internet and it had a little picture of Chuck E Cheese himself on the page. She asked me several times yesterday if "That little guy right there would actually be at Chunk 'n' Cheese...because you know, he's the one that talks on the T.V. and all" So, I'm guessing in her mind he's quite obviously a celebrity.

Anyway, being as how much Jason loves to play games, I got nominated to sit at the table and wait for our pizza while Bayli and Daddy bonded and began the 2 1/2 hour process of using up her 90 some odd tokens (again, the internet coupons are the way to go). As I was sitting there waiting, I watched the two of them from afar. I promise you, there was a permanent smile on Bayli's face. She kept looking at Jason...and there was sheer excitement across her entire face...the entire time. There seems to be nothing better in this entire world than watching your child have the time of their lives...when they've been looking forward to something and it comes to pass. To us, it would be something much bigger than a night out at Chuck E Cheese, but to her it was the stuff that dreams were made of. It brought tears to my eyes. I had one of these moments...and for a brief moment, nothing else mattered. Only being right there, making a lasting memory with my family.

See, I've been fighting discouragement this week, because we still have yet to receive our I-171H from New Orleans, and we are officially past the time frame that our social worker told us to expect it in, let alone the time frame that I had believed God for. But all of those worries just faded. It's all ok...and I saw through my child (and my big kid :) exactly how God sees us and how it pleases Him to see us happy and excited. And just like Jason was determined to win enough tickets for Bayli to get that wand, God is determined for me to get that report, in the perfect timing...so that we can move on with this process and continue on with our journey to grow our family.

And I realized how very blessed I am.

God, I know that you speak to me in the craziest of ways. But last night tops them all. Regardless, I thank you for making me sensitive enough to catch on to the little hints, and sensitive enough to be able to realize the blessings of the small things in life. And it's all proof that you are with us at all times. Thank you for your abundance of blessings. And thank you for always speaking to me...especially so unexpectedly at the craziest of times and the craziest of places!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Out of the mouth of babes

2007-06-20T21:12:00.000-06:00

Last night when I was putting Bayli to bed, she asked me, "When are you going to play with me Mommy?" I asked her what she meant, because I always play with her. She replied, "No Mommy, you always say that you are going to play with me then you cook supper, or clean things or do work for church."

Ouch. Knife through the heart.

The sad thing is, she's right.

I have always been an overachiever. I can't rest if things aren't put away and picked up. And everything has a place. There is no such thing as not knowing what to do with something. Everything has a place or it goes in the trash. That simple. I sweep and/or swiffer several times a week, if not every day, because I like a clean house. I also do a lot of work for church from home. This used to not be a problem, but apparently now it is.

I went to bed last night with my head spinning...trying to figure it out. What needs to change, what needs to give...or is she just exaggerating?

The conclusion that I came to was that I need to find a balance. I can't give any of these things up. The work for the ministry is our job...it has to get done. I've delegated as much as I can to people who are willing and the rest is up to me. I can do things during the day, or I can take away time from my husband at night. I think I need to do things during the day. But then, she wants me and needs me. There will come a day when she'd rather my not be around. What will I do then? When she looks back on her childhood I'd like for her to remember her Mommy playing with her and teaching her things. Not reminiscing about all of the time she spent playing by herself because Mommy had to swiffer the floor.

This morning I tried things a little differently. We snuggled in the bed for a few minutes like we always do. Then we went to the couch and snuggled some more (she's cuddly in the morning...)then we ate breakfast. Then I decided to take one hour and only one hour and do everything that I could...and anything I didn't get done in that one hour would have to wait until tomorrow. I timed myself, and got going...I made all beds, started a load of clothes, started supper, cleaned all the floors and dusted. The rest was going to have to wait. Then I was able to spend time with Bayli before getting ready for our plans for the day. We spent the next hour doing a craft, playing with flashcards and playing school (I was an excellent student if I do say so myself!) Then we got ready and some friends came over for a VBS meeting. The meeting lasted a lot longer than I had originally thought, but it was ok because the house was tidy and supper was in the crock pot, and I had spent quality time with someone who needed me the most. And it meant the world to her, and me too. And, totally unlike myself, aside from picking up a few toys and doing the dishes after supper, I've done no other housework today. And it's actually ok...I'm living to tell about it.

It's hard when you are pulled in a million different directions. No doubt about it. But, I feel that if I continue to seek God for His wisdom and direction things will flow more smoothly...which to me equals peace. And nothing sounds better.

Father God, I pray that you continue to show me creative ways to get everything done that I need to get done in a day. Help me to work smarter and still have time for everyone who needs me and needs my attention. I know that things are always changing, what worked today may not work tomorrow. I pray that I will continue to keep my priorities straight. It's very easy to put ministry ahead of my house, or Bayli ahead of my husband. But I know that is not how you desire for things to be. I want to honor you in all that I do and I want my life and my work to reflect you. Thank you Jesus for using my most precious gift, my baby girl, to reveal the err of my ways!

Face for Grace,
Holly

The Beauty of a Date Night

2007-06-18T16:43:00.000-06:00

I remember back before the days of having a child, when I had big opinions about motherhood and childrearing, etc. In other words, back in the day when I knew everything. Ahem.

I remember listening to my friends talk amongst each other and say things like, "I just wish I had one night out with my husband without having to tend to my child first." Or, "If only we could have an uninterrupted conversation, etc."

Most of these women were stay-at-home Moms. I used to listen to their conversations in awe. I have to be honest with you and confess right now that I thought they must have been the most selfish people in the world. A stay-at-home Mom should have nothing to complain about. She's got the easiest job in the world..you know, she doesn't have to work! Besides, who cares if she has to tend to her child before herself? How selfish. She should be honored to eat cold food every night, with limited adult conversation time. Being a Mother is the highest calling! She should do it with pride!

Then I became a Mother. And my viewpoint suddenly changed.

Now you know I love every minute of being a mother. And I love the fact that I'm able to stay home. This is a huge blessing. And we have and still do scrimp and save and sacrifice a lot for this to be able to happen. But let me also say, cold food does nothing for me personally. I do not enjoy it one bit. And I should have been slapped for thinking that a stay at home Mom was the easiest job in the world. I've absolutely never worked harder! And now I also understand the need to be able to have an uninterrupted conversation. Just being able to finish one or two sentences without having to answer a question that begins with "why?" And, on a note that doesn't sound so selfish...I love spending quality time with Jason. Just the two of us. Trust me when I say, it doesn't happen often. But I believe it's absolutely vital to a healthy marriage.

Friday night was date night. We had a wonderful time, and we tried very hard to find things to talk about that didn't include Bayli, adoption or ministry. We talked almost non-stop for over 5 hours. And we got to eat our food when it was still hot...steam and all!

And the most amazing thing happened. Sometime mid-morning on Saturday I realized that the 150+ questions that had already been asked didn't bother me in the least. I was refreshed and ready for all of the excessive talking and question asking.

I'm suddenly all about date night. I can't wait for the next one...(hint! hint! to the guy who needs to do the asking! :)

Face for Grace,
Holly

It's mine, mine, mine...not that I have a problem sharing or anything...

2007-06-15T13:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't had the priviledge of watching an entire TV show, from beginning to end, since 2003.

September 16, 2003 to be exact. Which happened to be the day a little princess made her debut into our family.

I've never been a huge TV fan, but I love to watch Good Morning America and Oprah along with any and all things on HGTV. But, you see, those are "peoples, not cartoons"...which poses a problem in our household. At least to a talkative and opinionated 3 1/2 year old.

Then when Jason gets home, the remote is glued to his hands. If for some reason I actually get to hold the remote control for longer than the necessary time to pass it off to him like it's a hot potato; I actually get some weird form of stage fright while trying to perform the task at hand. When he is in the room, and I'm trying to work the remote, I actually get sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach and a dry mouth...for real. Because the pressure to flip fast enough and with a quick, even tempo is just too much for me!

And, in case y'all haven't noticed, I am a rather competent individual with not much in life able to intimidate me.

Then, there's the fact that I actually WATCH the commercials *GASP*! I like to follow the story through to the end. I do not find it necessary to switch the channel during a commercial; it goes against my OCD nature...like I'm moonlighting on the current show at hand.

And what on earth is it with Sports Center? I am all about sports, love every single one of them. (Well, aside from the one that my husband loves where the guys drive the cars in circles for say, 500 laps or so. But, who am I to juge?) But honestly, the play of the day is the absolute same the entire live long day! Why must we watch it again? And again? And again?

I've tried retreating to my bedroom, but then one of two things usually happens. I either fall asleep; or I get pushed over by a cute little 3 1/2 year old who asks to watch Dora on Mommy's TV.

So, what is this post all about you ask? It' all about this, my new Mother's Day/Birthday present. Ta!Da!

Now, before any of you start to leave me a comment wishing me Happy Birthday, don't bother; because my birthday was last November. It's a long story as to why we are where we are with the present purchasing; but I'm all about it because now I can watch TV any time I want to.

You see folks, Lifetime Movie Network was no more for me...only a distant memory. So I had to get creative. First of all, notice that it's mounted under the cabinet. Oh how I can't stand ANYTHING aside from absolute necessities on my countertops. A gift of any sorts, even a TV, that would have to sit on my countertop, would certainly be "the gift that kept on giving" all right...it would constantly give me panick attacks! And also, take note of the small 10 inch screen... a tad small you say? Well, I think it's a stroke of genius! Nothing in the world will make "other people" not want to use your TV like a small screen! Now, it does come with a remote control, but I think I can handle it. And it also has a DVD player, plays CD's and has a radio!

It gives me great pleasure to announce...hello Diane Sawyer, Oprah, all of HGTV and, yes, even the occasional Lifetime Movie Network. It's been way too long since we said our abrupt goodbyes...but I'm back!

Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And, Happy Birthday to me, even if it is a tad belated!

Face for Grace, Holly

Happy Birthday

2007-06-13T08:47:00.001-06:00

My rock, my confidant and my best friend!Happy Birthday to the best father and husband in the world!

Love,

Your Princess's...

Holly and Bayli

You might have a problem if...

2007-06-13T06:45:00.001-06:00

I have a big confession to make. I adore little girl clothes. They are so adorably cute, and for the most part you can find some really cute things for very reasonable prices.

Let me also say that Jason and I both would prefer to don fig leaves than to spend money on clothes for ourselves, all so that Bayli can be decked out at all times.

And she is officially well aware of this. And she's well aware of her cuteness. And she's well aware of the sheer joy I get when buying her said cute outfits with the perfect bow and matching shoes. And she truly enjoys being the recipient of all of the joy and goodness when recieving some good, new clothes. She is one of the only children I know that gets extremely excited about recieving clothes over toys. She'd rather get a cute pair of shoes than a toy any day of the week. That's my girl!

This weekend we went to several stores, Target, Lowe's, etc. She found something that she loved and admired and just had to have, around every corner. Even in Lowe's! I was amazed at this child of mine who found several things she felt would be a necessary purchase at The Home Imporovement Warehouse! (I think she might be a shopper, what do you think?) Can I tell you how very proud I am? The shopping gene has not only found her, but has apparently been fostered quite well!

However, after the first 80 times that she just had to have something, it sort of lost it's appeal. I was worn down and just plain old tired of telling her no. So, I shared with her the old saying about how money just doesn't grow on trees. Daddy works very hard for the money that we have and God expects us to spend our money wisely. Jason and I both ascribe to a strict budget, and buying our 3 year old a "cute toilet" and "a very nice refrigerator that's we'd all enjoy" just weren't in our budget for the day's shopping excursion! I continued to explain to her that she was blessed that we got to go out to eat that night, and that she'd gotten a candy at the checkout at Target; and quite frankly that was enough. She had plenty of things at home, etc. I wasn't sure exactly how much she understood, but she quit asking, and that was a winner in my book.

So, when I was getting her dressed yesterday, she asked me if she could wear her silver sparkle flip flops tomorrow. (She's also quite obviously a planner, too...but that's another post for another day) Then she informed me that she knows it's very important for her to match, so we probably need to go ahead and get her a silver sparkle shirt. "And then Mommy, I'll probably need a pair of silver sparkle pants too, because that's the only thing that will really match a silver sparkle shirt and silver sparkle flip flops."

Then she looked at me with all seriousness and said, "Mommy, I know that moneys don't grow on trees....but these tings are just important!!"

Alrighty then. What on earth are we going to do when she's 16...or even 6 for that matter?!

A Few Good Words

2007-06-11T07:42:00.000-06:00

For some reason recently, I've been going through a major season of feeling unrest and just fighting the blues. I feel like I could break down and cry at any given moment of the day. I've been unable to share my feelings with anyone. My true, honest to goodness deep down feelings. They've been eating at me, but I've been unable to open up. This is so unusual for me. I normally run to at least the first 10 people I see to dump on them and ask for advice and wanting them to fix everything. I'm as open of a book as they come...normally.

This time, it all just seems so personal. And I think that if I acknowledge my fears and frustrations and worries that it's like giving life to them. I want to continue to have the utmost trust that God knows all and is in control of all; so if I begin to talk about my fears or doubts, then it seems as though I will be doubting God. I've cried to Him in my quiet times and I've prayed, it seems, almost without ceasing; but I only feel better for a short while and then it all comes back again. The heaviness in my chest and tightness in my throat, and fighting back the water well of tears; mixed with all of the questions, fears, doubts, etc that try with all of their might to encompass my brain.

I've been a christian long enough to know that I've got a major battle on my hands. But, it's a battle that I thought I'd already won. Which makes way for even more confusion.

I don't have the answers and have never claimed to either. But, I can say that the more that I seek God, the more that He reveals to me. I love the following verses that I've come across the past few mornings.

Isaiah 55:11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Psalm 145: 9 God is good to one and all; everything he does is suffused with grace.
13 God always does what he says, and is gracious in everything he does.
14 God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those
those ready to quit
16 Generous to a fault, you lavish your favor on all creatures.
17 Everything God does is right— the trademark on all his works is love.
18 God's there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it.

(I love the book of Psalm! There is nothing like deciding that regardless of how you feel or what you are going through that you are going to press in and praise God anyway. This book gives me a guideline for that.)

I have no fancy ending to this post. No quick fix-all. It just is what it is right now. I have no doubt that I'll make it through. I can only pray that I'll make it through this time a little stronger than last time.

Father God, I come to you right now with heaviness in my heart, as has been the norm for the past few weeks. I have so much on my mind, so many fears and doubts and struggle that I'm trying to make it through. You know everything about everything going on inside my heart and mind. I thank you for speaking to me, I know that I'm not alone...I pray that you continue to speak to me. I'm listening. I promise.

Face for Grace,
Holly

It's the little blessings...

2007-06-06T21:39:00.000-06:00

The little blessings in life are sometimes the most fun to count.

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who has watched me walk through the past 6 years of trying to grow my family. She hasn't necessarily been a "hands on" sort of friend, so I wouldn't say that she's walked with me, but she's witnessed my ups and downs and recent progress.

Anyway. I was sharing with her what a blessing it was that Bayli has always been so small, until recently that is. When my heart ached for another child, I was always comforted by the fact that her foot was still so tiny. At 1 year old, she was still only in a size 1 shoe. It was remarkable. By 15 months old she finally fit into a size 2 pair of Mary Jane's that I had bought for her right after she was born! I loved the fact that she was short for her age, and was relieved when we'd go to the Dr and find out that she was 35th percentile or 50th percentile. Literally, I could feel relief sweep over my body. She was still little, so I could keep her my baby.

Jason and I were gone all weekend because we had brought the kids from church to camp. Monday we spent all day being lazy; cuddling and sleeping and watching TV. The only productive thing that we did aside from cooking supper was wash some clothes. We were super tired all day, and I have uncovered a pattern that when I'm tired, I have a tendancy to get depressed. We are still waiting for our report from USCIS in New Orleans, and my mind was beginning to let negative thoughts come in about possible delays, etc. I started longing for another baby in the worst sort of way and my heart began to ache. I tried not to allow it to happen, but I began to get depressed about the wait ahead of us and started to pout to God about how we don't deserve this...and on and on it went.

But that night before bed an amazing thing happened. Bayli specifically asked me for some water in a sippy cup. More often than not she drinks from a "big girl cup", but I indulged her wish. Then, we went to sit on the couch for some more snuggle time and she asked me to hold her and feed her like a baby. My initial reaction was to say no, that she's becoming a big girl now and that she shouldn't act like a baby. But then, the thought came to my mind that these moments are fleeting. Maybe, just maybe this was God's way of giving my broken heart a rest for the evening. What harm will it do to cradle my little girl in my arms and "feed" her an inch of water in a sippy cup like it's a bottle? I just don't think that she will be 18 years old and still have this request. I think she'll turn out ok.

So, I did just that. I held her like a baby, and I sang a song to her that I wrote for her when she was born. I used to sing it to her every night, now she sings it to her babies. But, Monday night I got to sing it to her again. And God in all of His infinite wisdom allowed a way for my needs to be met, and it also created some wonderful time for my daughter too.

Such a small little blessing that turned my day around. My heart was ok again, and I was ready to face the road ahead. And more importantly than not, it reminded me that God knows my needs...and He cares about them. He's very intimate and personal...He cares about my desires!

The small blessings certainly do make a difference!

Dear Jesus,
Thank you so much for taking the time to worry about my needs. We're not talking about a necessity here, just a basic little intimate, personal need or desire. God, thank you for loving me in such a personal way! So many times we come to expect big things and great things, so much so that the little things get overlooked. God, I pray that I never fail to count the little blessings in life!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Some More Link Love

2007-06-05T21:44:00.001-06:00

I have shared with you before about my friend Amanda and her journey to adopt their little girl, Bella, from Guatemala. She has been through so much over the past 6 years leading up to this place in her life, and this adoption process has tested her and her family to the core. I would like to ask for all of you to go here to check out the latest in their adoption process. And please, please pray!! God is still in the miracle working business! And I know that He wants to unite this sweet little baby with her forever family. Let's pray that the judge will rule in their favor and sign off on their papers so they can go get their little girl and soon!

For you are great and perform wonderful deeds. You alone are God. Psalm 86:10

Father God, I thank you for your wonderful deeds. You alone are God. How on earth can we even begin to argue with that? God, I know that you have Amanda and Bella in your hands. God, we pray right now for favor with the Family Court judge in Guatemala. God, prick his heart with a sense of urgency to sign off on this adoption paperwork! We thank you in advance that it is done soon!

Face for Grace,
Holly

A little about him...

2007-05-23T11:48:00.000-06:00

I've idolized him my entire life. From as far back as I can remember, my love and admiration for him overflowed. My Mom says that he adored me, too, when I was a baby. I think we have one picture of him holding me when I was an infant. That would probably be the only proof to that theory.

When I got to be about 4 or 5 years old, he tormented me. He told me that Jaws lived under my bed and that piranhas and alligators were in my bubble bath. I took a running jump from my doorway to my bed every night for years because I believed him about the Jaws thing.

Our relationship went through many different phases as we grew older. The longest span of time would have to be the years that he ignored my even being alive. Mixed in there was the time that he told me I had no parents because my Mom found me under a bush and the time that he offered to hold me down so that the neighbor kid could shoot me with a BeBe gun. I remember leaving candy on his pillow in hopes that I could bribe him into actually liking me. When I was a teen all of my friends thought he was so cute. They all wanted to date him, and some even mentioned wishing to marry him. Come to think of it, even now people comment on how cute he is and they can't believe he's not married. (He is pretty cute, if I do say so myself.)

I remember one day many, many years ago my Mom telling me that one day we'd be the best
of friends. I used to laugh and tell her she was crazy.

Who Knew? Mothers really do know everything, and sometimes they can even predict the future.

Now as adults we can freely tell each one another "I love you", we can laugh and joke about our short comings and I can say with confidence that he is my friend. I am so glad that my Mom was right.

Who knows...he may have even liked me all along!

As I've already posted before, Scott left last Thursday for some training prior to heading to Iraq. He has started a BLOG to journal his events while there. You can check out my brother's BLOG here or by clicking on the link on my sidebar.

Face for Grace,

Holly

It is what it is

2007-05-22T13:25:00.000-06:00

Well, today was our appointment in New Orleans for our fingerprinting. For those of you who read last time about the visit that I had, let me say that today was a totally different experience! We were treated so well ...and we were only there 40 minutes! It was unbelievably quick!

This morning as I was doing my devotional, God showed me the following two verses:

Psalm 85:1- You showed favor to your land, O LORD; you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
Psalm 86:10- For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

As we've been praying for favor today and for these reports to come back in record time, these verses were brought to my attention at the exact time that I needed them. It confirmed that God is in control, He shows favor, He still does great and marvelous deed...and He alone is God! How can you argue with that?

What an awesome God we serve!

Father God, thank you so much for revealing these verses to me today. To give me something extra to stand on. The thing is this...I don't deserve anything else. You've already proven yourself to me time and time again that this is your will for us. You've shown us that you are in control. Yet, you still give me peace when I need it...again. Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to be concerned with my emotional well being. I have no doubts that your favor rests upon our lives. We are praying to be able to receive this report expediently so that we will be able to log in our Dossier within a few weeks. However, we will accept Your will and whatever time frame you feel is necessary. Thank you God for giving us a good experience today! We felt your hand upon us!

Face for Grace,
Holly

Oh the goodness of it all...

2007-05-20T15:49:00.000-06:00

We have everything in our possession for our Dossier paperwork except the report from USCIS in New Orleans. We go Tuesday for our fingerprints, then we will just wait for that report to come in. After we get that, we are good to go.

When we first began the paperwork process we were told it would take anywhere from 3-6 months to compile and complete the Dossier. Tuesday will be 3 months exactly from when we received the Dossier guidelines/information. So, I feel that we've been pretty quick in getting everything together.

I've burned the candle at both ends, hurried around, and basically have wasted no time. I've made phone call after phone call and sent email upon email. Basically, I've been productive and busy. Now, I will again relinquish the control and put it all in God's hands and wait. Just wait. I've hurried to get to this point. Now we wait.

I've mentioned before about the delays in New Orleans and that it's quite possible that we may have to wait 2 months or so to get the report back from them. I certainly hope not because that will push everything back. But, this will all be in God's hands. If He feels it is necessary for us to wait 2 months, then so be it. But, I will pray for favor and believe for quickness every step of the way!!

We brought our paperwork to church this morning and had our kids in Club Faith lay hands on it and agree with us for favor. They have walked with us every step of the way through the past 9 years of our lives. They have prayed for us through all of our pain during our losses. Even though they can't comprehend or totally understand our pain, they are super sensitive to our feelings and emotions. They love us with an unconditional love. We pour into them week in and week out. For some of them, from divorced homes or unstable homes, we are some of the only constant and consistent people that they see in their lives. And for many of them, we are certainly the only people who can show them the love of Jesus.

We sweat, breath, drink, eat and live children's ministry. And let me tell you, Jesus absolutely knew what He was saying when he said, "unless you come unto me like a little child..." because they know that if they believe God it will happen. Their hearts and their spirits are pure. For them, there is no such thing as doubt. God said it, and they believe it...it's that simple. Oh the sweet goodness that encompasses a room full of children praying, believing and agreeing...for anything. Children's ministry is absolutely amazing.

It was so precious to see 150-200 kids this morning praying for our paperwork...and agreeing for us to have favor. One thing I know for sure, regardless of the outcome...we are certainly blessed.

God, we continue to pray for favor. You know the last hurdle that we must cross before we can get our Dossier logged in. You also know every detail of every aspect of this process. You thought this out and planned this out a long, long time ago. Thank you for allowing all things to work together for good. And in your word it says where two or more are gathered in your name...God we definitely have the "or more" part covered. Thank you for blessing...everything.

A lesson learned

2007-05-17T13:24:00.000-06:00

After much discussion and even more prayer, we finally decided to tell Bayli about the adoption.

See, we were so excited about our last pregnancy that we told her very early on that she was going to be a big sister. We learned the hard way that you just don't toy with a child about information like that. Right after we lost the baby we really discussed and prayed about what to tell Bayli, if anything. We really thought that we'd just try again for another pregnancy, so therefore we wouldn't have to tell her anything at all. Then God led us in another direction, so we thought we'd just leave it alone and let her forget about it. Yeah right! Anyone out there who knows my child knows that she does not forget a thing. Ever! Telling her anything else about the baby going to heaven was never an option either because she would have never ever let it rest. Ever. Talk about opening a can of worms! Oh my word! But by the same token, telling her about the adoption we were afraid would be like telling her 3 years in advance that we were going to Disney World. You just don't do that to a child, or to yourself for that matter.

But, as time passed it became quite clear that she was figuring us out and she was becoming increasingly irritated with the lack of information that we were giving her. The positive but vague comments like, "Yes you are going to be a big sister...one day" just wasn't cutting it any more. Her questions were becoming more intense and were getting bolder too. Until finally last week she just point-blank asked me, "Mommy, do you still have a baby in there or what?" I could not lie to her. So, since we were in the middle of Old Navy, I told her that we'd talk about it when Daddy got home.

That night we briefly touched on the fact that Mommy no longer had a baby in her belly, but that Bayli was still going to be a big sister. God has opened a wonderful door for our family to grow! So, one day Daddy, Mommy and Bayli will all get on a big airplane to go get your little sister. And her name will be Gracie. She asked if we could get her tomorrow, to which, of course we replied that it would take some time...but that it would happen in God's perfect timing.

She was so totally ok with all of it. And, I am quite surprised about the fact that she really hasn't asked very many questions...she'll just mention a few things every now and then. She does, however pray for her little sister every night...she asks Jesus to watch over Gracie and keep her safe.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to share the rest of this process with our daughter. Looking back, I am a little bit ashamed of myself for thinking that she may not be able to handle this. We are children's ministers. This is what we do. We are constantly telling people that children can accomplish great and wonderful things now...they don't have to wait until they are older. We should have listened to our own advice and told her sooner. I could have saved her the months of curiosity and uncertainty. She is my baby, and it's my instinct to try to protect her. But it's obvious that she is already wise beyond her years and capable of handling much more than I give her credit for.

God, thank you for reminding me and teaching me a very important lesson through my daughter. God, I pray that she will have peace during this time of waiting. I know that she is anxious to become a big sister, just like we are anxious to grow our family. God, continue to bless us as we continue on our journey.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

A Healthy Dose of Fear

2007-05-14T12:30:00.000-06:00

I shared in my previous post that my brother is going to Iraq. He joined the Marines right out of high school, back in the late 80's. He was activated during the 1st Gulf War. Things didn't seem to be quite so dangerous that time...at least it seemed.

This time is different. There is a great danger that all of our soldiers are facing daily.

My brother hurt his back in an automobile injury, probably around 1993 or so. He was medically discharged from the Marines around that time. He didn't want to get out, but the damage to his back wouldn't allow him to keep up with the requirements placed upon him in the service.

In the aftermath of 9/11 my brother tried to re-enlist. I'm not sure about all of the main details, he didn't really tell anyone, but he's been trying on a regular basis to re-enlist ever since. From what I understand, he went as far as speaking to his old Unit Leader to see what he could possibly do to get back in. The ball really started rolling for him earlier this year. There was a huge paperwork process and a lot of "stuff" had to happen for things to work out. His paperwork had to go as far as Washington for someone there to sign off on it. The unit he was assigned to has known for about 2 months that they would be leaving at the end of this month. He was officially sworn in again last Wednesday and found out at that time that he'd be leaving on May24th. Talk about a whirl-wind of downright craziness going on for him to get all of his affairs in order. We hurried and scheduled some family pictures that we took over the weekend. He's trying to get his entire house packed up and in storage so that he can rent out his house while he's gone. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The thing is...the devil is so smart. He knows that I lean towards the emotional side of things. I have been upset about this, but I am trying to remain strong. To depend on God...what is crying going to solve anyway? But, the devil is on full attack on every emotion that I own. He is trying to attack me from each and every angle. He's trying to scare me with fears about every aspect of my life and our adoption. He is trying to make me give in to worry...to fall for his silly tricks and get discouraged and/or depressed.

The key word here is that he's trying.

I am choosing to not give in to him. I am more than a conquerer through Christ Jesus and the enemy has already been defeated. I am not going to begin to fight a battle that has already been won. I will not give into his tricks, lies or attacks. We have God's hand upon us...we are walking in God's favor. I will not give the devil the satisfaction of controlling me through fear and worry. God and I have worked too hard for God to drive...to be in total control.

I am scared for my brother's life. I am concerned for my mother's heart as her son leaves. I am scared about the changes that could take place in our family if something happens to Scott.

But I am not controlled by these emotions or this fear.

I love my big brother and want to see him return safely. I am proud of him and I'm proud of the choice that he made. He always has been, and always will be a hero.

Father God, you know the fears that I am facing. You also see the attack of the enemy on my emotions. I'm feeling down and he's trying to sneak in. God I choose now to keep my eyes focused on you. I choose now to continue allowing you to be in control. I will not give into the fear...the fear that something is going to go wrong...the fear that things are going to fall apart...all of the fears that keep popping into my head. You have already paid the ultimate price. In your word it says that God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. A sound mind sounds really good to me right now...because my mind has been on overdrive the past several days. God, thank you for showing me the err of my ways before things got out of control. God I love you and I thank you for your amazing peace.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

A Day of Mixed Emotions

2007-05-13T19:36:00.000-06:00

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. Actually, for several days leading up to today; it seems that I've been all over the emotional spectrum.

I remember when I was pregnant for Bayli stating that "next year, there won't be any of this running around to my Mom's then your Mom's for Mother's Day! Next year I will be a Mom too and it's going to be about me!" Looking back on that statement that I made 4 years ago reminds me of how much I've grown up since becoming a Mother. Because now, I go even more out of my way to make sure that my Mother and Mother in Law get the royal treatment for their special day. I guess because now I realize the magnitute of what great things they have accomplished as mothers. I realize the full extent of their mothering. And you can see the fruit of their many years of labor. I know first hand how hard they worked to get where they are. I know the tears they cried, the hours on their knees in prayer. Their motherhood has come full circle as now they both are grandmothers. I feel unqualified to be in the same league with them. To be honored on the same day as them.

Then there is another part of me who is anticipating the growing of our family. My heart hurts for my friend Amanda, and other people that she knows who are waiting for the green light to go get their babies from Guatemala. They've gotten their referrals, they've held their babies, they just can't bring them home yet. I can't imagine the agony that they must be feeling today...the day that honors mothers. And although we haven't officially even logged in our Dossier yet, I still know that there is a baby in another country that will be ours. I don't have a picture of her yet, and I don't know if she's born yet or not...but she will be mine. And I have a desire to be her mother. To hold her in my arms. Wherever she is...I am her mother and I desire to mother her.

Then there is another part of me who is feeling a little bit of emotion for the babies I've lost. For the fact that I should be 7 months pregnant. Feeling a baby move inside of me...right now as I type this post. I remember being in a very defeated state and sitting on the love seat in my Dr's office crying, asking "What kind of mother am I that I can't keep these babies alive?" The tears sting my eyes as I recall those feelings and those emotions. I yearned to mother those babies.

Then there is the part of me who hurts for my Mom. Just finding out 4 short days ago that her only son will be shipping out to Iraq with his Marine unit on the 24th of this month. He made it through this one time. God will surely have His hand upon him again. But, her torn emotions as she deals with knowing that this is something that he feels that he must do and that he was trained to do...defend our country. He supports our President and he would rather go and serve so that a soldier that is a husband and a father may not have to. But, I see the pain and fear and worry and anger and frustration and everything else that goes along with it. I see and hear the constant lump in my Mothers throat as she fights back the tears.

And I understand. Because when you are a mother, your heart is no longer your own. It is walking around outside of your body. My mothers heart is going to Iraq.

My own heart is in Central America, possibly in an orphanage somewhere...or still in utero; it's in heaven with 3 babies that have gone before me; and it's lying sleeping in the antique bed in the room next to me. And my heart is also overflowing...

Because I am a mother, and I am so thankful for it...and everything that goes along with it.

Father God, thank you so much for again allowing me to sort through my thoughts through my words. Father God, regardless of what we've walked through, we still have so much to be thankful for. God I lift up all mothers to you today. I pray that you strengthen those who wait. And comfort those who hurt. Protect Gracie...and protect her Uncle Scott. Keep your hand upon them both.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

A good morning

2007-05-09T13:02:00.000-06:00

Although Bayli sleeps in her own bed all night every night, she always sneaks into my bed at about 7:00 each morning. Most of the time we drift back to sleep while I hold her. Some days if we have a lot of errands to run or things to do that day, I'll let her snooze in my bed while I get ready. Then there are the other days when she is ready for breakfast regardless of what my plans had been, so we relunctantly begin the day.

Today was one of the snuggle days. Something woke her up and she saw the light of day peeking through her blinds and decided it was Mommy time. I heard the pitter patter of her feet on the wood floors, then I felt her breath on my cheek. I knew she was standing there ready to be hoisted up into our big bed.

I am not too much of a morning person and I truly value every minute of my sleep. But, oh how I love these morning moments with her. She smells so sweet, morning breath and all. I love her bed head and I adore the fact that she drags her "be" (blanket) with her to cuddle with.

This morning she was snoozing again in no time. And then I could hear her sucking her thumb with a passion. I pried open one eye to look at her. I think my heart actually stopped beating for a moment. She looked absolutely precious with her hair gently falling over the side of her face, and her long black eyelashes were perfectly framing the rims of her eyes. And that still chubby baby hand next to her mouth, with her thumb slightly falling out and mouth wide open. All that I could do was barely catch my breath and just whisper a thank you to God for blessing me so much.

And then it hit me. This sweet little girl, my baby; is going to be a big sister one day...hopefully sooner rather than later. Within the next year or so, I will pry one eye open in the morning and see two sweet little girls sleeping on the pillow beside me, instead of one. I will hear the pitter patter of 4 little feet coming to the safety of Daddy and Mommy's bed when day breaks through the blinds in their rooms. I am suddenly more grateful than ever that we invested in a King size bed. Not so that they can sleep with us at night, but for lazy mornings like this. The type of mornings that motherhood is made for.

As I laid there and gazed at her sweet, sleeping little head, I couldn't help but think about what our future holds. I have no doubt that there is enough love in my heart and in our home for another child. I feel bold enough to say that we have enough love for probably 100 other children. But my mind can't quite comprehend how good it will be. I can taste it; but I can't digest it just yet.

Father God, just like in your word in Jeremiah 29:11 is says "For I know the plans I have for you...plans for a hope and a future". My mind cannot even begin to comprehend what your plans hold for us...for my family. I know that it includes a little girl named Gracie. But the magnitude of that we'll only be able to understand when she gets here and is officially part of our family. I thank you that in just 5 short months we've gone from an uncertain future, to being well on our way to a new addition to our family. Thank you Jesus for blessing us beyond measure. And for loving us enough to give the Moran family an amazing future.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

There is a light

2007-05-07T12:32:00.000-06:00

There is officially a light at the end of the tunnel. And no, before you ask, it's not a train!

We can officially say that we only have 3 documents left to complete our Dossier!

One is Jason's birth certificate, which I ordered on February 20th! Who would think that it would take 12 weeks to receive that? I contacted the necessary personnel to find out where we stood in receiving this vital piece of paper. To which they repied, it's on hold indefinitely due to Katrina issues. My goodness, I'm sure that my mind can't comprehend the magnitude of the issues that dear Katrina posed on our great state, but it would seem to me that they should be a little bit closer to being able to get a man a copy of his birth certificate, huh? Especially considering the fact that I received mine from like 8 states away in less than 5 days! And especially considering that we already have his birth certificate, it's just not a brand-shiney-new one. But, never fear...my dear friend Amanda gave me some inside scoop on how to get one expedited to us! We should have said birth certificate by the end of this week! YEAH!

The other piece of information that we are lacking is my passport. Let me just state, for the record, that I ordered that on February 22nd. One might think that 11 1/2 weeks would be enough time to get a passport. Apparently with all of the seniors heading to Cancun in the next 3 weeks or so, mine has taken a backseat. So, according to the state department website, mine is being processed and should be received within the week also. Don't think that I didn't take it upon myself to go ahead and send a follow-up email just to be sure. 'Cause I did. One has learned that one can't be too careful in dealing with things of this nature. (I may not be able to do math in my head or know my odds of grabbing a green paper clip...but you better believe that I've got one seriously quick learning curve when it comes to deadlines!)

The last piece of information that we are lacking is a biggie. It's the USCIS I-171H. Fancy lingo for "important report from the feds". That's the immigration/fingerprinting thing that I've been referring to. I think I've mentioned before that the word on the street indicates that the New Orleans immigration office being "backed-up" is an understatement to say the least. So I've been very careful about what I post and what I confess about when we'll get our report from them.

But I'm done with that. So, I'm going to go ahead and say it. We've got favor. We're going to get our report in record time. 2 weeks. Or less. There. It's done.

With all of this said, I must say that as much as I have been enjoying the busyness of preparing all of these documents...I'll be oh so glad to send them off and make the waiting official.

Dear Jesus. Thank you so much for pouring out your favor upon us. Thank you for blessing us with inside scoop and ways to get things wrapped up. Thank you so much for having your hand upon us during this time. Thank you for giving me the grace to keep my OCD side in check so that I was able to enjoy every and all things involved in this process. I am thrilled to death over this journey that we are on and I'm so greatful that you are in the drivers seat. Bless our baby girl...keep her safe.

A Face for Grace,
Holly

A different viewpoint

2007-05-05T21:53:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine from church inquired about our adoption progress the other day. So I emailed her the link to my BLOG. She emailed me back the next day with some comments that really made me think.

She had been adopted as a baby. I think I had known this, but had forgotten. When I told her that God has led us to adoption, she began crying and reminded me that she herself had been adopted. So, it goes without saying that adoption will be very close to her heart. I got her permission to quote some lines from the email that she sent me:

Thank you for sharing your blog with me. As an adoptee, it really warmed me to read some entries (and brought some tears). Gracie will be so very grateful to you and Jason, even though she may not realize all you have and will go through until she is an adult, for the effort you put into being her Mommy and Daddy. Just as God has ordered the steps of your life with Gracie, He has also ordered the steps of her life to be with you.
I am brought great comfort in my adult life knowing that God planned and cared for me enough to have not been an abortion, but also that my Mom and Dad were obedient to the call of adoption.

Wow. I was officially at a loss for words after reading these comments. It has taken several days for me to be able to put my thoughts into words.

I have thought time and time again about how adoption is God's plan for us and how all of our lives will change, Gracie's included. And even though I refuse to think of us as a hero or anything like that (I don't like when people refer to us as rescuing her or saving her), I do absolutely think that her life will be better with us.

But thinking about this in the terms that God cares so much for Gracie that He called us to adopt her. And how utterly amazing is it that God even trusts Jason and I enough to call us to adopt her as our own? To place her in our hands; in our family forever? I have been thinking about our need to grow our family; not as much thought has been on her need to have her own family. I have been thinking of this from the top down, instead of the bottom up. God will always think of the children first.

I have been viewing the "paper pregnancy" process as necessary for us to get her; not as necessary for her to get us. It's the same thing; but yet very, very different. Absolutely none of this has anything to do with us...it's all about her. God needing to provide for His child. We are simply vessels.

So, the last thing that put a lump in my throat is this last comment:

This may sound weird, but I have sometimes wondered where I would be if my Mom had not had so many miscarriages, and turned to adoption.

I know that God has been speaking to us about adoption for the better part of a year now, but we've only been obedient in the past 5 months. So what if we would not have obeyed? What if we would have decided that we'd continue to "chance" a pregnancy working in our favor? What if we would have held out for pregnancy #5, in hopes of not having another miscarriage? What if we had not been obedient?

What would then happen to the little baby girl in El Salvador that is to be named Gracie...the one that is supposed to be our daughter? What would happen to her?

Father God, thank you again for your divine revelation through the amazing friends that you have placed in our path! God, I apologize for thinking mostly of what Gracie will bring to us..instead of her need to be in our home and lives...a part of our family. God, thank you for calling us and using us...we are willing vessels. God I thank you for our sweet baby, she may already be born...or maybe not yet. Keep her safe. God, when I may get a little sad or discouraged about the wait, help me to remember that in essence she's waiting too...and when it's your perfect timing we'll be placed together as a family.

Face for Grace,
Holly

Another day with the Psychiatrist

2007-05-01T12:19:00.000-06:00

I've got to be totally honest that this whole psychiatric evaluation thing was absolutely insane (no pun intended). It seemed to drag on forever. And the crazy tests...oh my goodness! Stuff that I cannot repeat without blushing, asked over and over in one form or fashion.

Then, just in case all of that was not enough, we did the IQ testing today. Even though we will not have official results for another 2 weeks, I'm pretty certain that there is absolutely no way on God's green earth that I have an inkling of a chance of scoring higher than Jason. I was prepared for matching shapes, and putting some things in order but when she started with the mathmatical word problems...and no paper or pencil to use as scratch paper. I was done for! (Yes, you heard me right...WORD PROBLEMS!) Fractions, averages and percentages...oh my! All off the top of my head. Then the geography started...yikes! Then the whole, who was Mahatma Ghandi (did he invent Mahatma rice?) and who was Catherine the Great? The current world population? If you have 28 orange paper clips, 5 green ones and 12 red ones, and you grab one without looking...what are the odds of grabbing a green one? I told her it depended on which one God wanted me to grab. Because, in all honesty...I. had. no. clue. There...I said it. No clue. So then when we got to the part of if you are lost in the forest, what should you do to find your way out? Jason later told me that my answer of sit on a rock and cry loudly so that they can hear you and find you quicker really was not the correct answer. Go figure. That is really what I'd do. Well, actually if you want to get technical, I'm such a city girl...I will never be in the woods, period...much less alone. (In my defense, did tell her that aside from sitting on the rock and crying I thought that there was some technical thing that you can do with following the sun or something, but wasn't exactly sure how it worked.) So, I really tried my hardest, and of course I'm only stating the blatantly obvious WRONG answers here. But there were several that I think I got right...hopefully. And I'm good with grammar and vocabulary, so I'm pretty sure I got all of those right.

So, speaking of needing to know the world population in order to be considered competent enough to raise a child...

How crazy is it really that an IQ test is even required for this process? The only way that I can imagine that having that tidbit of information handy is when Gracie refuses to eat her vegetables, I can tell her, "I know from taking my IQ test that there are 8.5 Billion people in this world and I'm sure that a good percentage of them are starving...eat up little girl!"

In summary, it was a rather stressful event to say the least. All that I could think was that poor Gracie was going to have to stay in El Salvador permanently because her Mommy wasn't smart enough to pass an IQ test! Hopefully they will give me an "A" for effort and call it even!

God, I promised to make it through this process without murmuring or complaining. I'm going to honor my word, but I'm glad this part of the process is over with. Thank you for seeing me through today. I am going to try to begin paying more attention to useless information...just in case it's ever necessary again! God, thanks for creating me with a sense of humor...we both needed it today!

A Face for Grace,
Holly

I almost forgot, we got to cross two big things off the list today. We not only finished the Psychiatric Evaluations today, but we also finished with our Home Study! Yeah! Anyone who is reading, we still need favor with Immigration in New Orleans (we go May 22nd for fingerprints) and we need to get Jason's new birth certificate and my passport. Both of these appear to be held up due to crazy things in Louisiana vital records and the new passport laws. I will need these in soon to finish everything up!

Being the good mother that I am

2007-04-29T20:07:00.000-06:00

I know that this BLOG normally only has updates about the adoption, but I have to remind myself that life outside of this adoption does still really exist. And since I can't seem to get around to scrapbooking or anything of that nature, I may as well document "life" stuff here too.

With that said, Bayli has been sick all day. She woke up with fever of 101.8 and it's been hovering there all day, one time peaking at 102.3 We've had a scare recently about her blood sugar, and I couldn't get her to eat much of anything all day. I know that's normal with fever, but then I notice that her hands were shaking, and I got fearful of the blood sugar thing again. So, Jason and I decided that she needed to eat something. The pork loin and greenbeans supper that I made totally didn't appeal to her. So I did something that I NEVER do. (I never ever fix a different meal for her...she must eat what I fix for the family.) I asked her what would be the one thing in the entire world that she would eat. To which she replied, cheese and crackers. Sounds healthy enough, right? Well, the cheese and crackers that she's refering to would be Club crackers and Easy Cheese.

Normally I do not have snackage of that nature hanging around the house. But a few weeks ago we went out of town to minister to a children's ministry in Leesville. And since it was a weekend away without kids, everyone on the trip planned the snacks out perfectly. And I was in charge of the Easy Cheese. It just so happens that it didn't all get eaten so I brought it home. One day I shared this delicacy with Bayli. Of course, she did not forget.

So, to make matters worse, we had used up the last of the Easy Cheese that day, and were fresh out of Club crackers too. So, again...something I never do...I went to Wal Mart at 8:00 tonight to buy a fresh supply of Easy Cheese and Club Crackers.

The good news is, she ate 3 crackers, with cheese. The bad news is, after she finished the crackers, she asked me to just squeeze the cheese straight onto her tongue. "I don't need crackers after all, Mommy." She said with much enthusiasm. And with Easy Cheese being the excellent source of calcium, low in fat, totally not processed, essential part of the food pyramid that it is...I of course felt totally comfortable with doing that for her. Ahem!

Apparently the apple may not fall too far from the tree. Because I think straight into the mouth, skipping the cracker altogether is absolutely the best way, if not the only way to consume Easy Cheese. Therefore, no more Easy Cheese allowed at this household until she's old enough to buy it with her own money...not to mention get to the store by herself.